Ive been reading the sexual abuse survivor threads and so much seems to relate to me. I dont want to ramble on but I just want to give a bit of info about myself so at least someone might be able to shed some light on this. I have no memories at all of abuse or anything like that, but there are some behavioural things about me that I just cant explain.
I had severe issues with intimacy and felt intercourse was just a painful form of 'invading' rather than pleasure, same with foreplay, cant bear anything near my private parts. I dont like anyone, apart from dh near our kids when they are getting in/out of bath or have no clothes on. I dont like having to touch them to dry them as it makes me feel like Im doing something wrong even though Im not. I have horrible images of bad things happening to them and to me, in terms of rape. I deliberately read awful stories about rapes of young children and babies, almost to punish myself and force myself to accept that these bad things are happening in the world, though for the love of God I dont know why that is??? I also was sexually aware from a young age and would masturbate (cringe) frequently as a young child so Im told.
Anyway I have no memories, come from a loving although slightly broken home, and I dont know what the fuck may have gone on? It is starting to seriously worry me as Im supporting a good friend in getting therapy for her experiences of being sexually abused as a kid.
Has this happened to anyone else, and have memories miraculously unlocked after 20 years? Sorry for such a long post