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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DP doesn't seem to want to have sex with me...

8 replies

thesecrethistory · 23/04/2012 21:23

Dp and I have been together for just less than a year. I am very happy with him, love him to bits, etc etc. He is smart and funny and kind and gorgeous. I think this could be the person I spend the rest of my life with, and he says he feels the same.

However... our sex life is... lacking. When we first met he did say that he had a low libido, but already we are down to once a week, and he has begun rejecting my 'advances'. He does it sweetly, says he's tired etc, but this is making me feel like shit, frankly. It's something I feel we should be able to talk about - but I have no idea how to approach the subject with him.

We spend most weekends together, and he will usually stay over one night a week as well. I have an 8-year-old ds (who dp is great with) and I understand that perhaps he doesn't want to 'do it' when ds is sleeping next door. But I feel it's just dwindling away already. For example, we never have sex during the week, or at night (i.e. when we go to bed at night). Sunday mornings, maybe.

He is tactile and loving. We spend a lot of time kissing, cuddling. Part of me thinks I should think myself lucky to have a bloke who won't assume a shag's on the menu just because we're in bed. My xh was like this - a pest tbh - and in a way it's nice not to have that. But there's a happy medium, surely?

What worries me most is - if this is how it is after less than a year, it can only get worse, right? I know once a week doesn't sound awful but I think it's not great for a relatively new relationship. He just doesn't seem that fussed. His last long-term relationship ended because he said they'd become more like flatmates than lovers. I do NOT want that to happen to us.

Any advice? I love this man, I don't want this to become a huge deal between us, but sex is important to me and I find myself feeling increasingly frustrated and rejected with the path we seem to be taking.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 23/04/2012 21:34

It will only get worse if you don't talk about it.

He might be asexual or have little libido. Don't pretend it's not a problem when it is.

You may love him, but if he is asexual or whatever, then you need to come to some arrangement now rather than let it destroy things later.

mummakaz · 23/04/2012 21:38

I think you really need to talk to him but at least he was honest from the start. I have the same problem with DH but we have been together 12 years. I would suggest if he doesn't want sex to help satisfy you by doing other stuff. Sometimes this gets my DH going Wink

your right though it does make you feel like shit, it makes you start to doubt yourself and make you feel like your not good enough :(

thesecrethistory · 23/04/2012 21:43

I don't think he's asexual. We do have sex, and we had quite a lot of sex in the beginning. If we're snogging in the kitchen, for example Grin he'll usually get a hard-on... or have I misunderstood the definition of asexual? It's not something I know masses about tbh.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 23/04/2012 22:05

Asexuality doesn't mean you can't have sex, it just means you aren't that interested in it really - you may do it for form's sake or to please your partner.

It was just a thought and may well be completely off-beam.

Whatever, you do need to get down to brass tacks on this. Not feeling wanted sexually can be incredibly destructive.

izzyizin · 23/04/2012 22:13

Do you think there's a possibility that he may be gay? Or has he shown any sign of being addicted to porn?

As mummakaz says, you need to talk to him about it. If he doesn't get a hard on next time he stays over, harden your resolve and raise (no pun intended) the subject.

thesecrethistory · 23/04/2012 22:20

Am as sure as I can be that there's no porn addiction. Again, my xh was addicted to porn and I know how destructive it can be. Dp has never talked about porn or showed any interest. I'm not saying he's never looked or anything, but I don't think it's a big part of his life, no.

If I thought he was gay I wouldn't be trying to be in a hetero relationship with him!

So how does one begin these conversations? I have no idea what to say - 'Why are we only doing it once a week, darling?'

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 23/04/2012 22:26

In fairness to the guy he's been honest from the start about his low libido. I think you need to be honest with him and tell him once a week just isn't enough for you and see if you can both come to some kind of happy medium.

Although tbh if you're having to have this conversation when you haven't even been together a year and should be at it like rabbits then I'd wonder if you're just not sexually compatible.

21YrOldMan · 24/04/2012 09:18

I think you should have paid more attention to what he told you when you first met?

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