feel like a powerless, furious teenager when dealing with DH

[marriedtoatoddler]

DH and I have a lot of communication problems and are now in couples counselling, where it has been suggested that I often see myself as a child and him as the parent (although it can be the other way round too, hence my username). I think this is true ? when we met (married over 20 years now) I took over his values and lifestyle uncritically. But now I feel more and more like a furious teenager, railing impotently against an invincible parental authority. He is quite insecure himself and tends to decide with unanswerable male logic how things ought to be done and then defend his plan ferociously ? and want me both to do it his way and to acknowledge that it is the best way to do it. His way often is the best solution, in fact (partly because he tends to jump in and do practical things, like anything to do with electricity or the car or assembling flat-pack furniture, which means I really can?t do them because I have never had the chance to learn), but constantly being proved wrong leaves me feeling a complete failure. There is a lot of ?I have to win, therefore you have to lose? on both sides, which I am aware of but don?t know how to get out of.

So, any tips on how I can get out of this mindset and act like an adult when H is being a controlling arse? Something about it really upsets me and I don?t know why ? I can?t even think about it without crying. I wasn?t particularly unhappy as a teenager, but tended to exclude my parents from my life and not put my own views forward in order to avoid conflict, just as I do with DH now.

Been there, done that, left the bastard. Four years on, I'm nearly back into adulthood again. I have no tips except to say that there are worse experiences in life than ending a long marriage.

If your H is a controlling arse then couple counselling is not the right place to be going to. It sounds as though he is emotionally abusive to you.

Psychodynamic counselling just for you? It would let you develop into an adult in a safe place. I am not surprised that this situation upsets you.

this is tough.

i am a controller tbh. i've def been guilty of "taking over" and then manipulating/coercing DH into being OK with that, no matter what. i've recovered a lot from this, but it took hard work from me and a lot of habit-changing and rowing for the two of us. and we have only been together for eight years! you two have a much more entrenched set of habits.

couples counselling never worked for us. i was too manipulative and approval-seeking when there is an "authority figure" in the room. and DH is too introverted, needs to think before he speaks - so i bulldozed him and counselling just became a new stick for me to beat him with.

individual counselling for me definitely worked wonders. i needed space to be vulnerable and admit my faults in a non-judgemental, non-competitive environment.

DH would have benefitted from individual counselling too - but he found couples counselling so awful that he never wants to go back

however he was prepared to talk talk talk talk talk with me, identify the issues, get angry, forgive, help, hug, comfort, reassure, expect more, say when he was upset, etc. etc. and that was enough for us to pull through it all.

so this is a long, drawn-out way of saying...

• you and DH need to BOTH be prepared to work to change the interaction habits
• you've both got to let go of blame - both of you've contributed to the problems and you need to work together to sort some new habits
• you probably both need individual counselling. but if he won't go, go yourself.
• i would ditch the couples counselling. control issues and couples therapy don't mix.

if he won't acknowledge his part in it (or you won't acknowledge yours - i.e., you initial acceptance of his word as gospel, which allowed these habits to take shape unchecked and for him to build his self-image as a husband around that acceptance), and make a sincere effort to change and to support you in your changes, then it's not going to work and you need to start planning to move on tbh.

you've got to be on the same side basically.

Are you doing transactional analysis?

You can try and lead exchanges to adult territory, but if he is that childish and stubborn, you won't be able to keep it up and ultimately you will reach a saturation point.

Only he can make himself change at all.