Raging inside about this - I should do nthing, right?

[MagsAloof]

My 'step dad' and mum are breaking up after 20 odd years together.

There is no point in lying about it - I never liked him. He is emotionally abusive to my mum, and has always despised me, my DH and kids, and made no secret of the fact.

There was a family row a few months ago - too long to go in to now, but he behaved shockingly - and it gave my mum (finally) the impetus she needed to end the relationship, although she hasn't moved out yet (financial issues).

In the months since, he has been making her life a misery, verbally abusive, telling er to get out of his house, she is a sponger, and saying despicable things about me and my family. It is really awful and I have egged my mum to come and stay with me in the interim, but she says she is staying put until the money issues have been sorted out. The house is his, btw, he was mortgage free before they moved in toegther and they aren't married, so she has no claim on any of it, even after 12 yrs of living toegther. But anyway...

I have just found out from a mutual friend that 'stepdad' has been having an affair for over a year, probably closer to 2 yrs, with a family 'friend', a woman my mum knows and has had over to the house etc. My source is reliable and I have evidence.

WTF do I do??

the relationship between shitbag stepdad and my mum is over, anyway, but he is blaming her to all mutual friends/relatives, saying it was her choice to 'throw everything away'....so he essentially gets away scott-free with his sordid little affair. It makes my blood boil!

WWYD?

Sorry this is so long!

Just support your mum. Personally, I wouldn't tell her about this, if she doesn't already know. Dont worry about what mutual friends/relatives think -
a dignified exit from a relationship is generally best rather than trying to persuade everyone of how awful the other person is (even if it's true). Your dm might find it humiliating for others to know how much she's put up with and that she was cheated on, so don't even think about broadcasting it.

Have you told your dm about his alleged ow or do you intend to tell her?

If, as you say, your dm has no claim on her partner's house, what money issues need to be sorted out before she leaves him?

It occurs to me that if your dm sold her former home to move in with your 'stepdad' and has made a significant contribution to his property, or has dc with your 'stepdad', it's possible that she may have a claim on his house.

I would tell her, ESP if there is any chance she would find out from your source that you knew. If she ever found out, and then also found out that you knew ad didn't say she would possibly feel betrayed that you kept it to yourself.

Not an easy conversation to have, but if my DD ever found out something like this I would rather hear it from her than anyone else.

Can she show that she has made any financial contribution to the home? Such as paying for improvements? Does she have any claim to any finances? If so, she should see a solicitor. If not, and there are no children, she is just prolonging her agony by staying there. She is probably staying there because she doesn't want to be a burden on anyone - including you. Does she have an independent income?

Forget about the affair - it's not really relevant now, is it. It's not going to help your mum if you tell her, and she may already know anyway.

Encourage her to go to the local council housing advice centre - go with her. She needs to tell them she is about to be evicted (which he probably could do), he has been verbally absusive and she has nowhere else to go. Unless you want her staying with you on a permanent basis - as she won't be considered a priority if she can stay with you.

You can also contact Shelter for advice:

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/how_we_can_help/housing_advice_helpline

I'd tell your mum and would have no doubts about it. If someone not so close knows about this, it's extremely likely your mum will hear from someone else and that will be far more painful than if it comes from someone who loves her unconditionally and will always be there for her.

You just tell her what you've been told, that's all. What she does with that information is up to her.

I hope she's getting some legal advice too.

The financial thing is dead in the water.

Two solicitors (including a very eminent divorce lawyer) have told her she isn't entitled to anything. She is hanging on because she wants to sort out her own financial situation - she has some savings invested that she is trying to get out, and she has shares in a small property with a relative which is being sold at the moment. All a bit complicated.

I am going to tell her. Absolutely. I couldn't keep it from her, and she has suspected infidelity for a while (although not with this woman). The main thing I want to scream from the rooftops at his smug, bastardly family who are all po-faced and taking inside. I know this is irrational and I wont do it, as this isn't about me feeling better, but by God I wish i could shout 'Mr Perfect has been shagging Mrs X for months, so there!'

taking his side

Scream away, honey. From the little you've said about him, the arsehole is long overdue for his comeuppance.

There'll be local elections soon - maybe you could commandeer a car with a loudspeaker system or leaflet the area

Does the ow have a dh?

lol!@izzyizin

I would love to get my revenge on him on behalf of my lovely mum. She has put up with years of his shit, and has always been such a warm, loving woman with good grace and good manners. Poor Mum

I will think of a way...dish best served cold and all that.

OW's husband left her for a younger model some years ago . I cannot believe she had the cheek to come over for dinner and smile in my mum's face when all the time she was shagging the creep. Some people have no self respect

Oh that's a shame. I was hoping she'd have a hubby and a prominent position in the local community so you could shop her to to local rag

Btw, there's nothing wrong with a hot dish followed by a cold one long after the first course has been served.

Hmm I would tell your mum. Its not your secret to keep and i don't think any good comes of keeping these things from those involved.

Maybe he's been unfaithful with more than just one woman Mags?

In which case, maybe once this gets out all of them will dump him and he'll be left on his own, which would be poetic justice eh? Your mum might be able to have some fun with this...

It never fails to surprise me though that a woman who's had this done to her can do it to another woman.

I think you should tell whoever you want to - so long as your mother will not be hurt if you do.

But don't be surprised if it does nothing to change his po-faced family's support of him and blaming of your mum.

he has been making her life a misery, verbally abusive, telling her to get out of his house, she is a sponger, and saying despicable things about me and my family

How do you think this situation can be in any way improved if you tell her about his infidelity? It's hardly going to bother him if she knows - you might even be doing him a favour if it makes her move out before she's ready. Don't you think it could make things worse for her?

I am really not sure you should tell her.

Personally, I wouldn't tell her unless you think she is wavering about leaving him and needs convincing it's the right thing to do.

I don't think it's a good idea to tell her while she is still living in the house with him. It could lead to some very nasty arguments which could upset your DM even more. Basically the OW has done your mum a favour by taking a creep off her hands so think bigger picture and sit on your anger till the time (of your choosing is right). Let him spout off all sorts of BS he'll just look even more stupid when the truth comes out.

The most important thing is to get your mum sorted with her own place - the sooner she is out of there the better - leave HIM till later!

I've learnt that women in abusive relationships unfortunately still always have that kernel of hope that the abuser will change and come good in the end. This thread like many others is a 'reading between the lines' job. There is no good reason for the OP's mum to stay in the house with this creep and so I suspect some hope still lingers.

What I've also learnt is that for some inexplicable reason, infidelity is often the final nail in the coffin and the knowledge of it finally convinces some women that there is no hope of change. Knowledge about this is therefore always a good thing if it galvanises a woman to leave a situation that is harming her. In reality the infidelity is small beer compared to the other abuses this poor woman has faced, so the knowledge of it is not going to destroy her any more than the systematic abuse she has faced in recent years.

Get your mum out of there before you tell her. He could get really nasty.

women in abusive relationships still always have that kernel of hope

I agree but sometimes even in the face of absolute proof they will remain in denial and shoot the messenger (OP). Once OP's DM is out of the situation she will hopefully start to see things a bit more clearly and start to recover (especially if he moves OW in). If she finds out while still living with him she might have it out with him or even beg him - there's less chance of that happening if she is in her own place. Getting away from him is the priority - get started on no contact asap - plenty of time after that to spill the beans.