Am I right to give things another go after ONS resulted in child?

[jean84]

Please read, especially if maybe you have or know anyone who has been through something similar......

Four years ago to the day my partner and father of our then 3yr old and 9m old had a one night stand. A couple of weeks later he confessed all. We were both young and juggling parenthood with uni so I forgave as although despite what he had done I felt I could still trust and to a certain extent understood why this had happened (relationship struggles, stress, drunk, attention). Later that year however I found out the girl was pregnant. I was mortified. I ended the relationship but we remained friends and my family, his family and I supported my boyfriend through DNA battle and not being able to see the child. Fast forward four years and my ex and I get on great. We have know each other since 13 and we seem right for one an other. We both graduated and have good jobs. I have a nice family home, he is a fab dad and everything would be great apart from this rather large black cloud.

So my question is should we get back together or stay apart? Has anyone else survived this?

Please advice needed, sometimes I learn to accept and feel happy other days I feel like I am the only person this has ever happened to. x

Is the child his?

That's an aside btw.

I think my pride would let me be with a man who has behaved in such a disrespectful way.

I would also always wonder when he would do it again.

I'm sure there are many who have got through this kind of thing and perhaps have bigger forgiving hearts than me.

Does he have a relationship with his child now? I think that would tell me a lot, did he step up? You say you get on great and he is a wonderful dad to your children and time has passed.....I just don't know sorry. If you think he did just make one 'mistake' then I believe everyone deserves a second chance but if you would always be wondering if/when he would do it again then no.

I personally wouldn't have split in the first place. I can forgive a drunken ons its an actual emotional relationship I couldn't get over. Yes he was stupid, but he obviously didn't mean to have a child did he? He's not been in a relationship with the childcare mother has he. If you think its right for you to get back together then do it. Just keep it from your kids for a while just in case. It sounds like you have forgiven him and want to be with him.

*childs

Thanks for the responses. In answer to the questions he has asked the mother of the child for contact not only for himself but for our children too. He asked in writing and she refused. He also has asked in person, this time the mother of child took a couple of days to deliberate but said no again. She had entered a new relationship and said she couldn't let her child go with my partner or to our home as she didn't really know us and would be worried that he wouldn't feel as loved as our two children who BF had brought up. Both BF and mother of child agreed this might be best for now and mother of child has our contact details if she ever chances her mind. Also I completely trust BF, this was his 1st (and last 1 night stand) in his life. We attended couples counselling once and I have attended counselling. We both have worked on the relationship so we don't ever go back to that rut. Plus, he saw the pain that was caused and he's had to work hard to earn my trust as a friend back so don't believe he want to put himself in that position again. Despite all this I am still unsure, although my friends are great they have no children or have never experienced anything similar. x

You say you get on great and seem right for each other. But you're still unsure.

It doesn't really sound as though you want to. It sounds as though you feel it would be convenient or "the right thing to do", rather than he is the one for you.

I would remain friends but leave it at that. No amount of counselling will ever get rid of that black cloud you describe, I'm afraid. You can rationalise until the cows come home but, every so often, it will pop back into your head that he left his partner, toddler and baby to have unprotected sex with some random woman.... and there you will be, fighting your natural instinct and trying to suppress the resentment. It's harder than it sounds and you shouldn't feel forced to go that path just for the sake of... what?... your kids having their dad around more?... you having someone to sleep with?

Keep him as a friend by all means but I would make far more of an effort to disentangle yourself emotionally, finding someone new that you can trust with your love.