Feel totally alone & don't know what to do

[OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree]

Morning

I'm 24 weeks PG with our 3rd child. Older two are 5 and 15 month - weve recently moved - last week to a much smaller house & are starting extension work (put in for planning permission last week).

I work part time (16 hours a week) for a big company - in order for me to get to work I have to get a taxi (at 5.15am costing £17) to train station (train ticket £11) just to get to work. I earn minimum wage. Luckily we think my MIL and my mum may help with childcare but as we've just moved we've stopped using our lovely CM - and still haven't finalised childcare for them both at the moment (I work over two days a week).

I'm also trying to finish my degree in English Lit. I'm meant to be attending lectures 3 days a week but physically and financially can not. I have 3 pieces of work to do to complete. If the uni let me - one is a presentation that I missed the deadline for.

I've not been sleeping, feeling crap, have wanted to avoid seeing people & getting really anxious about everything including school run and going out to do our food shopping.

(oh yeah and I'm also currently applying for a DRO as legal battles with my ex over a residence order over eldest DD put me in debt by about £12k which I can't pay back)

I saw my GP about 5 weeks ago - and broke down infront of him. It all got too much and felt like I couldn't breath. He said that I'm severely depressed & suffering from anxiety. He said if I wasn't pregnant he would put me on anti depressants & give me sleeping tablets to help me rest. He signed me off work & referred me to community mental health team as that's all he can do while I'm pregnant.

When I told DP I was signed off his reply was "oh. Ok". He's not mentioned it since.

We've since moved house & GP has signed me off for longer period of time to help me sort my head out.

DP and I are happy together. Or so I thought. Ish. We just tick along at the moment. We don't really have sex - but we are both exhausted I suppose. Plus having a baby & being pregnant & living in a building site - But we don't talk about things. I find things out normally, by accident (plans he makes for house etc, decisions made between him and his parents). He won't talk unless I instigate it. He would go HOURS without speaking to any of us on a daily basis.

This morning has all blown up. I spent most of the night awake and worrying. Feeling so sick I got up an was actually sick at 4am. I think I slept after that until dd2 got me up at 6.

So this morning I told him I think I should just cash in my 1st two years at uni and forget about trying to finish it at the moment. Just to take the pressure off. He said nothing in reply. I said "I've just said some thing to you - I've completely opened myself up and i feel really vulnerable" and he replied "what do you want me to say?"

We then got in car to do normal train / school run. I take him to train station every morning at 8am and pick him up about 7 - 7.30pm (it's a 13 mile round trip)

In the car he commented that I should just get on with it.

So. DP thinks I'm quitting. By not going to work. By seeing my GP and being signed off with depression, exhaustion and anxiety - I am giving up on everything apparently.

This morning we arrived at station as train was pulling out. He then growled at dd1 making her sob all the way to school - because HE missed the train & she said "daddy your train has gone"

He then got out of car and walked off. No good byes or kiss nothing.
I then came back to the village & parked outside school & cuddled dd till was time to go in -
I then had to help comfort her to go to her teacher, while she sobbed as she went in, on day 5 of her new school for gods sake! Poor kid :(

He then texts me saying "Whens my chance to flake out and give up on everything? "

Basically I just needed to write that all down. I feel exhausted. All the time. I'm not coping. I genuinely think if I didn't have children & I wasn't pregnant I would get in my car and never come back.

Don't know why I'm writing this.

Today I have to email uni & ask for help. Or tell them I quit. Because I can't ignore them any more.

I need to phone the Pre pubescent manager at work & order my mat uniform for when I go back.

I have no one to tell all this in RL. I blatantly can't speak to DP as he just thinks I'm a quitter & doesn't speak to me. He doesn't speak unless he has to. I feel totally alone.

I've told DP that. He said on the phone after I had dropped dd1 off "so what are you going to do then"

I replied "don't know. But I'm not going to talk to you about it as it all just gets thrown back at me and I can't show you my vulnerability any more"

He said "ok" and hung up.

So, you have young children, are pregnant, are working, you have just moved, you are doing a degree, and have an unsympathetic husband. No wonder you are struggling. I can't advise you what needs to give, but surely something must give, only you can decide what. Getting sick leave off work, delay completing your degree because of exceptional personal circumstances, I am sure you can find some way of dealing with this. Then please go home, take a deep breath and rest. p.s. you sound like a very loving mother looking after your daughter when she was sobbing before school, you just need to take care of yourself too. Please try and get extra support from your GP if you need to, just telling someone can be very powerful and releasing.

Take care.

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you.I would certainly look at going to the GP and getting sick leave if possible just to give you some breathing space. Your dp sounds like hard work I'm sorry to say but for now sort out time off work and try to stay calm. I'm sure other MNetters will give better advice. Take care.

You need RL help. Have you seen the community MH team your GP referred you to? Can you ask him to refer you for individual counselling? Speaking about all your problems and anxieties out loud to a sympathetic RL person will help you.

You're going to be fine, by the way. Let go anything that doesn't need to be prioritised right now. For example, extensions and planning permissions: not a priority; it'll save for later. Your health: priority number 1.

Call up on all the help you can. For example:

• ask anyone who can help you out with childcare to do x, y and z for you
• ask your uni about an extension of your deadline, or see if you can pick up the course again in the next academic year, if you think that is best.

To help you sleep, since you can't take meds, try relaxation exercises. When I was suffering from depression and anxiety last year, I would play this CD when I went to bed (CD1, which is essentially a sophrology exercise). I never heard anything past the first 10 minutes of it, as it would always send me off to sleep before then.

I've phoned and put myself on the waiting list for an initial over the phone consultation.

Good for you.

This may sound harsh, but it's not intended to upset you,

You are working part time on minimum wage - yet moved somewhere with very expensive and seemingly difficult transport links?

You are working, studying for a degree have 2 children, and thought the timing was great to get pregnant with a third?

You are having financial difficulties and are "expecting" other people to help you with childcare?

You are pregnant, have an awful journey to work, have childcare issues, and moved to a house that needs a lot of work doing on it?

WHY?????

You need to prioritise. You need to sit down with your OH and work out what you NEED to do, and by when.

Something has to give, and only the 2 of you can decide what that is.

Depression and anxiety may make you feel imobile and unmotivated, but no one else can do it for you!

Sounds like you're going through a horrendous time at the moment. But equally so is your DH and it sounds like he's taking the head in the sand/retreating into his shell approach to get through it.

Sorry but I too don't understand why you've moved somewhere where it costs you about as much as you earn to travel to work, makes travel to uni financially impossible and causes you a childcare headache?

I think your DH sounds just as stressed and anxious as you but feels he can't talk to you as he doesn't want to burden you, knowing that you're equally or more stressed and anxious. His comment Whens my chance to flake out and give up on everything? is worrying. Does he feel like he might flake out too?

For me, if I were in your situation, first thing I'd do is deal with the practical stuff. I'd seriously think about quitting work and putting my efforts into uni instead. £28 per day to get to work on a minumum wage job just doesn't make sense. E-mail uni and explain what's going on and ask them what your options are... Can you forget about it until September and resit this year? If not, can you realistically catch up to where you should be? Once you've sorted that, look at what childcare you will need. It's all very well saying you think your parents will help out... but will they?

I think one step at a time, but once a couple of the practicalities are sorted it will ease the pressure a bit.

I think Losingitall does sound harsh, even if the intention is only to give you a bit of a kick. There's no point chastising yourself now for the situation you're in, why waste energy on that? Or on beating yourself up because it feels like too much and you think you should do better.

It sounds like everything in you life is adding up to feel like one big problem. Try to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. Not everything has to be dealt with all at once. Your doctor has already started this process by signing you off sick.

Speak to the university next. Face to face, speak to someone who is in a position to help. Explain to them, otherwise they don't know. You might by surprised by how much they can and will do. You're signed off sick. Presumably that covers university commitments as well. Even if not, they should be able to consider 'mitigating circumstances'. Alternatively, I think you should be able to interrupt, and then to pick it back up when you feel more able. Or not, and still cash it in later. But don't throw away something that was obviously important enough for you to start it knowing it would be difficult, because right now you can see no other way out. Talk about the alternatives first

I hope others will give you more advice about the other things, but would also say: your DH isn't being kind to you at the moment. That means that you have to be kind to yourself, whatever form that kindness takes.

I really hope that it all starts to look better for you soon.

I delayed the final year of my masters because of illness following MC. Another person got an extension due to pregnancy. Don't just give up on it - sort something out that will allow you to put it on ice now and pick it up again when you're in a better position to do it - clearly its completely impossible at the moment and you need to be spending what energies you have on other things.

I think you have to understand what got you to a certain point so you avoid making the same mistakes again.

Think it's worth deferring uni for a while - I had an offer to take a year off when I was signed off for 2 weeks at the start of my second year. It will give you some space, rather than just abandoning it which will likely make you feel worse.

As for 'd'p, next time he asks when it's his chance to flake out, tell him it's when he's on this third pregnancy.

We moved here for financial reasons. Mortgage is less than 1/2 the rent we were paying 1/2 hour drive away.

If you are 24 weeks PG, when can you start maternity leave? Could you not see if you could be signed off until that kicks in (it used to be 28 weeks).

And if you were struggling getting up at 5.30 and getting a taxi to the station for £17 in the mornings, I might be able to think of somebody else the ungrateful bugger in your household who can do the same. That'd give you one less thing to do. I notice he didn't get up early to drive YOU to the station.

Presumably your degree finishes in July. I think it would be worth talking to your personal tutor about what your best options are - defer till next year or get some extensions and try to finish this year. You might drop a grade if you finish this year - or you might not, personal tutor and you will know how likely this is.