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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help- Am I overreacting?

5 replies

desparado · 22/04/2012 18:43

Hope someone can give me some sensible advice! Just found out DH has been looking up porn sites from his phone. We've been struggling with lots of issues for last 8 years since DS was born, and now this has raised his head again (not first time I've caught him). I did ask him not to do about 10 years ago but because of the other issues we've had our physical relationship has been very sparse! Of course he is blaming the lack of attention from me as the reason why, but this has only made me feel less able to give him any! Am I being silly for thinking this is unacceptable or should I just leave it, again? We've now come to breaking point and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/04/2012 19:06

if you don't like porn, and you've told him it's a dealbreaker for you, and he's gone ahead and used porn again... then no, you're not overreacting. that's all there is to it really.

the thing is, if your sexual relationship is a problem for him, he needs to find a solution for that. with your input, obviously.

so... sex psychotherapy,
individual therapy,
chats,
intimacy in other ways,
or frankly getting divorced. really. if you and him weren't having sex and there was no other solution, and that was a dealbreaker for him, then he should divorce you.

if his idea of a solution is to use porn, when you've already told him porn makes you feel shitty (for whatever reason - there are many reasons why it might do so!) and even less inclined to have sex, then he's a fuckwit really, and i don't blame you for not wanting to go near him. extreme stupidity is not a turn-on.

you need to decide whether you want to bother with a man who feels it's more important for him to use porn than it is for you to feel happy and secure. this is not about "having it out" with him OR sweeping it under the carpet... he's already shown you he doesn't give a fuck so either of those approaches will have not effect whatsoever.

he's perfectly entitled to use porn if that's what he wants, but he can't expect to avoid the consequences of his choices.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 22/04/2012 19:08

Is it going to became problem letting him know you know what he has been up to? Do you want it to be a deal breaker? Will he use it like that, maybe making the decision for you? If you let him know you know, be sure what outcome YOU want, else he may make the decisions...

desparado · 22/04/2012 20:04

Thanks for your replies. Reason for lack of sex on my part, is he's an idiot and has done A LOT of stupid things to p* me off. How can you get close to someone you don't really like?! The thing is I am attracted to him and when we do get it together it's great, but I'm just so angry with him most of the time. I guess he thought I wouldn't find out, but I did and confronted him, I've said I don't know if I can get past it and he's said I need to make the decision to put it aside and carry on or to split. Probably so he can say poor me, she left me etc.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/04/2012 20:14

so you've not been having sex because he's been behaving like a knob, which puts you off. that is an entirely fair response to knobbishness.

but his solution to this problem was to behave like more of a knob?

i think it's time to move on OP. he's not even trying to pretend that he's going to take your feelings into account in future - he's basically telling you like it or lump it. he honestly sounds like a waste of space...!

desparado · 22/04/2012 20:26

I think you're right, just wish it wasn't so hard. DS will be devasted and financially things will be tough. Plus I will have to keep seeing him for DS, this won't be easy!

OP posts:
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