Help.!!!!! I am going to go mad.

[tickingtimebomb]

Sorry another man moan.

DH is brilliant on the hubby and father side of things but what I am finding hard is the fact that I feel as though I have 2 babies instead of 1 iykwim.

I am a sahm and after many arguments and discussions I know I will never change the way that dh thinks..basically as a sahm he feels it's my "duty" to ensure meals are ready for him at night, dd is seen to, I clean the home, I do the shopping, I sort household issues etc.

I feel as a dw I am doing well and everyday I do things with dd,do shopping (not an easy task with dd so sometimes on line),tidy the home.ensure dd is ready to play with dh when he gets home and each week I give the home a thorough clean.

Issue: DH is soooooo untidy, he's due to get a new car this wkd and has emptied everything from old car into a bin bag and it's left in the kitchen...I asked for it to be moved..it's moved into the hall...golf clubs are now in the dining room...he insists on using virtually every toilet in the home (we have 5), 2 showers are used each week,he leaves clothes everywhere, has slept upstairs last night as we are all not well and has left the room in a state.

Every friday the home is immaculate at 5pm only for it to be a mess come sat 9am....HELP.

Dh says " ask if you want help etc" thing is I do ask but it either doesn't get done or takes ages...I mean ages...took him 3 weeks to hoover..

Surely as a sahm I shouldn't be treated like a cleaner etc. I find it so degrading cleaning a toilet iykwim but if I leave it to dh it won't get done for weeks.

Its our home and I am proud of it, I love having it clean.

I want to take dd for a walk as it's a lovely day but the house needs seeing to.

Im gonna explode...............................BTW name change.Regular mner but don't want dh to read this..well not yet .

Go for a walk, don't clean the toilets!
I think you both need to let your standards drop a bit if you can.
There really is no need for an immaculate home...
Also why is it a problem that he uses all the toilets?

Im totally with you on the toilet front. I have often said to DH "What makes you think I want to get up close and personal with your sh*t" Normally embarasses him into squirting a bit of bleach down there after he's done the deed?

i had a similar problem with dp. it reached a point where i really got so angry that i was ready to walk out.

Talking to him didn't work because i got so angry we ended up having huge rows, so one day i sat down and wrote a very long e-mail.

I explained exactly how i felt, how my day worked (so he knew i didn't just sit around doing bugger all) and what I would like him to do to help.
I told him that we were equal parents and as such I expected help with ds when he dp was at home.
I said that I didn't expect him to do that much, after all i am at home all day and can do a lot of it, but that i would appreciate him cleaning up after himself and helping me out while he's at home.
I told him exactly how annoying it is when he says he'll do things and doesn;t... that it often means I can't do stuff (ie, if he says he will wash up and doesn't then it means i have to do it before i need the sink to prepare dinner etc etc)

And i told him that if things didn't change then i was seriously thinking of just walking out.

It made a huge difference. I think seeing it all there and having some time to read through and take it all in worked. I didn't get at him in the letter... just put my p.o.v

the other thing i pointed out was that his job finishes at 5.30. mine is 24/7!!

we also had a big talk later and made a pact.
each evening we find a spare half hour where we BOTH clean the kitchen (so quick with 2 ppl)

and at weekends we spend one morning going over the house

thing is I have told him my concerns, for the 5 years I have lived with him. But now we have a dd I am finding it even harder work.

Dh does not get on my case about cleaning the home and says he doesn't expect to have things sorted for when he is home but I can tell if things aren't right he kind of sulks or makes little comments.... I have worked all day, sat in traffic and now this.

I have also told him that my job is 24/7 unlike his.

beejay..are you serious about the toilets..? The reason I go mad is coz it means I have 5 toilets to totally scrub each week ! If I go (sorry itmi) to the toilet or am sick etc I make sure not a trace is left..maybe thats just me but I wouldn't expect someone else to clean it aftre me...

Think I need to chat to him again. Even chores that I class as "man jobs" are never done by him....sorting bathroom tiles, fixing lights etc. I end up doing them.

blimey... 5 years? i wouldn't be able to put up with someone treating me like that for that long.

You should leave him with dd for a weekend and see how much he manages to get done!!!

I'm going to make a sweeping judgement here, and i am so sorry to sound rude. If you have 5 loos could you not afford a cleaner? Am making the assumption that you must be rich to have 5 loos! Perhaps you would not be so resentful if you didn't have to clean up so much either!

I'd make him take a week off work and then I'd bugger off somewhere relaxing, reminding him that when you return at 5pm on Friday you expect:

a happy well cared for dd
a meal on the table
a spotless house

But you prob need to arrange for some friends to come round while you're away and

use all the loos and not clean them
make a mess in every room, empty their cars out
throw some clothes around the room

to give him an idea of what it's really like. Cheeky fucker imo, a sahm shouldn't be a slave, you're responsible for childcare imo for ONE child. You have 2. Not very sexy either is it, you should point that out to him.

Sorry, I seem to have morphed into Custardo there!

Hi,

I'm a full time working mum and at the moment have the bigger of the two salaries. When I get home in the evening and at weekends care of our kids and our home should fall more on his shoulders than mine. But does it? does it heck! He's actually very good with our two daughters but his view over the house work is that its me who wants it clean. So I hire a cleaner. Its a significant expense. But until he pulls his weight it can remain.

I'm due to go on Maternity leave in mid March. DH has already started planning things for me to for when I'm off. Cos of course being at home with the kids full time will be so relaxing that I'll have time to do all these extra jobs. When I point this out he does back off. As I've said above he does take on his fair share of looking after the kids and he does appreciate how blooming hard work it is. Its just that once out the front door he forgets extremely easily and yes I really really really resent having to blooming remind him cos he then accuses me of being a nagging wife (well he doesn't any longer after I saw red and blew up in front of him).

Where we got it right is that he takes an equal share of the childcare. As you say in your first mail, we're both their parents. Where its not so right is keeping the house clean as his standards are definitely below mine. Don't think I can give advice on the house cleaning because I haven't sorted it in my own relationship but can certainly understand where you're coming from.

In terms of childcare I really do feel its vital that the fathers spend equal time and that means both the good bits and the bad bits. I know that it makes dh appreciate things sooooo much more. I'm hoping that I wont be returning to work and dh thinks that I will have the harder of the two jobs if I do manage to become a sahm.

Good luck

Can you designate one toilet for him and then never go in it ( so that it's up to him to clean it or not?)

Or designate saturday as toilet cleaning day and take it in turns?

I don't blame you for hating having to scrub five toilets every week!!!

(Quite impressed that you have five toilets to begin with though. I don't know anyone with five toilets. )

well I have emailed dh 3 things I would like him to do tomorrow..he's gone quiet. I have text him saying this and he's replied that I am a cheeky f&&&&& and he doesn't like my tone !!!!!

Told him he wants to try being me for a week.

I know to some people (inc dh) this may sound trivial but to me it's getting me down. I would love more babies and soon but it worries me how much work I will have then.

Beejay LOL at you being impressed..! Yeah it's nice to be in this position with a nice house etc but then sometimes I wish I had a 1 bedroom flat so less mess to clean.!!!

I have suggested a cleaner and so has dh a while back but mainly because of the cost and also dh thinks I am here so I can do it.I actually love the feeling once the house is spotless knowing I have done it (sounds sad I know) but I hate the feling when I know I have to tackle it agian...Not sure if I would like a cleaner having access to personal item iykwim. Also feel I may be judged as I am a sahm and others also feel this is your role..loose loose situation.

Think I am having a downer day.

You are a SAHM Which stands for Stay At Home MUM, not Stay at Home Loo Cleaner or whatever.

Fair do's you have more time at home so I agree that you could do the majority of the housework. HOWEVER that does not include tidying up and cleaning mess that HE creates. Thats where the line should be drawn.

He should clean the loo after him, put HIS clothes in the basket, put away HIS golf clubs etc. All you are actually doing is asking him to treat you with respect. You are not taking the piss. He is. By leaving his c**P on the loo, he is giving out the message that your place is WAY beneath him, since cleaning up the loo is beneath him. A quick brush around the skid marks when they happen should be the LEAST he does.

No disrespect intended TTB but think you may have got the email thing a little wrong. No one likes to be told what to do and encouragement and praise works better for men just like kids. It's sad but true.

Emails work brilliantly in my experience but not as a way of continuing an arguement. You've got to be more tactical...tell him how much you love him, that he's a great dad blah blah BUT that you are drowning in a sea of toilets and would really appreciate it if you could both stay busy in the evening, sharing the chores, until you can both sit down. Shaming them is the only way...aggression won't work.

Also have to add that martyrdom (I like to clean my own toilets) type behaviour will win no favour. I'd struggle to agree to helping if there was a way that you could both have more time to relax, but my partner chose the hard way and then didn't like it.

God this sounds harsh....sorry....I know it's infuriating.

sorry crunchie but I had to laugh at the last comment..!!!

Couldn't have posted it better if I tried. .

I agree about the majority side point, I will willingly do all the housework but like you said there needs to be some help at times and I am just asking for him to see me as his wife and not just dd's mother or even a cleaner .

Think men think sahm's just drink tea all day.

robin3. I have tried discussing it and asking nicely but it gets me nowhere!! Takes him 3 weeks to finally do a job.! At least I know from the response to the email he is getting the message.

martyrdom is not intended. lack of extra funds is the main reason behind no cleaner.

Arrange a weekend away, come back and complain about everything.

If he doesnt get the hint then I really dont think that hes the brilliant hubby you said he was in your OP, and that it would certainly be time for a very very serious chat.

Here here Crunchie!

Not sure a weekend away is enough. Its got to be throughout all life. I've come across too many men that make excuses as to why it went wrong on just that particular weekend and too many that sneak off to their mothers and then tell their partners that it was easy and they don't know why they make the fuss.

Ah, you would definately have to prime friends and relatives first .

And as for things 'going wrong', well thats just how it goes isnt it?, thats the point.

BTW I just hand DH the toilet brush when I see a filthy loo.

TTB I lived in a very small one bedroom flat for a year with my dd and partner. It was hell-- count your blessings!

the way i see it you have 2 options:

put up with it, and look after him as if you're his mum and don't complain.

OR

give him an ultimatum... things change or you're out.

He's had 5 years to get this right, and he hasn't... and yuo know why>? because you always do it! of course he will always leave his stuff lying around if he knows you will put it away.

He sounds like a total MCP to me... telling you he doesn't like your tone? wtf?
sorry.. but you have a right to tell him that he is being a slob and to ask him to do things around the house.
How would he feel if he asked you to do something and you called him a cheeky f**ker and said you didn't like his tone and just didn't do it?
I am guessing he wouldn't be best pleased...

what planet is he on???????????? does he want a wife or a mother?

did he really call you a cheeky f***? do you that's acceptable? i would be very unhappy if my dh spoke to me in such a disrespectful way tbh.
as someone said , you are a sahm,not a stay at home cleaner/cook/ etc.

i think you need to sit down and have a serious talk tomorrow about his attitude.
speaking to you like ...outrageous.

I totally agree with the last posts. I eapecially agree with the post about dh taking things for granted because I always tidy up etc. TBH I end up doing it to either save an argument or because I can't be arsed looking at it any longer. After all I am home the majority of the time!!

I have spoken to dh and explained what I am concerned about, explained that I don't want him to do the housework but more of the fact that I would love him to help by keeping things tidy and generally helping so the weekly clean is not a day of a job..which it is at the moment .

Hopefully things will get better. BTW he is actually a lovely bloke and is brilliant in every other way. Suppose he's just not as tidy and house proud as I am...But imo I don't think I am asking to much.

Thanks again for all the advice.

These situations are hard. Hard when partners disagree on standards. But I think it depends on the situation, on how much the sahm can get done in the day, and on how she views her priorities. I am a single mum so of course do everything myself. I have 1 dd who is very chilled out, so I manage to get everything i need done before she goes to bed. If I had a dp I would be happy to be continue doing all that (I do remember what hard work it was working full time, pre kids, esp in a stressful job. I didn't used to do any housework in the evenings other than cooking & washing up, saved it all for weekends. I guess I would have similar expectations of a dp), although would perhaps ask for help when it comes to the big cleans, scrubbing the kitchen cupboards for example. I would NOT however want him to be leaving his clothes everywhere, dumping old stuff from cars in the kitchen etc, and especially not leaving washing up dumped in the sink!! If I was struggling during the day with the children, or felt dd was suffering because i spent too much time doing the housework and not enough time directly with her, then it would be a different matter.
ticktimebomb, your sentence "I want to take dd for a walk as it's a lovely day but the house needs seeing to". It sounds like it's you who wants the house clean like that - there are sahms out there whose dps would go nuts if they came back to an untidy house, sounds like yours isn't like that necessarily? If you want to take dd for a walk, take her for a walk, leave the cleaning for another day. And never pick up your dh's clothes after him!!

A few tips for getting housework done without neglecting a dd (realise not so easy for lots of ppl esp with more than 1 kid) - clean bathroom while she is in the bath (obviously you have 5 bathrooms so can only do the one she's in! ); when cleaning the fridge pass the things out for her to put on the floor/table; dd holds my hand while i hoover (because she is scared of it, but it gets her involved too); she (sometimes) helps cook, putting the veg in the pans, stirring etc; we have a tidy up time just before bath, it is usually just dd's toys that need putting away but i use that time for any other random tidying up too (not talking about dusting & cleaning here!); if you can't involve dd in something or your dd just does not like helping you, give her a child-friendly task to do, draw you some pictures, building with her bricks etc or stick on a dvd! And, I do ration how much housework i will do each day, i do it in dribs and drabs, clean the fridge one day but not much else for example. Kitchen cupboards get cleaned out only when situation gets desperate and that is a mammoth task, but again dd does like to get a bit involved looking at what comes out of the cupboard and sometimes giving things a wipe...

Just re-read that and i sound so smug esp as it doesn't always work like that. In fact i just have a dd who is happy pottering about by herself while i get things done (like now! But when i feel guilty for having not played much with her I put into action the above suggestions!
I also realise it sounds like i'm giving you advice to do with helping you get on with doing all the housework in the day, when you want to know how to get your dh to do more! It does make me when i read so much about dp/dh not pulling their weight, honestly, and I hope i would never put up with that myself if I am ever in that situation!