Confused

[TheyCallMeMimi]

Married 3 decades, DC grown & flown. DH depressed (triggered by work). On meds & seeing a counsellor (J) regularly over 4 years. Has attempted suicide. Has had temporary partial hearing loss since Christmas time, following an infection/virus. Doesn't sleep well and hasn't done so for a long time.

He goes through bouts of - my perspective - not speaking to me. Eg, comes home from work, grunts that he's not hungry, goes upstairs, lies down. Emerges later, plays piano for a while. Goes straight back upstairs. Then expects sex when I go to bed. If I ask him for a cuddle "to start with" he responds with "I know how you feel. I know it's over between us." etc. If I suggest that he might have come to speak to me after playing the piano he can look hurt and puzzled, insisting he was tired. I've asked him why he didn't want to spend time with me and he gets ratty.

This silence can continue for days: there are mornings when he hasn't responded to anything I've said. I've pointed this out and he always falls back on things like "you don't know how stressed I am", "I can't help it" and similar. [You can't help not wanting to say 'good morning' to your wife? WTF!!] I've driven to work with tears in my eyes too often.

Last week he had a counselling sesion with J. Conversation at home went like this:
H: J asked how we are getting on and if you understand how stressed I am.
Me: What did you say?
H: I said you thought I was trying to control your life, eg by not coming in to speak after playing the piano
The phone rang then and the moment passed. Later that evening, I picked up on it.
Me: this discussion with J, you mentioned something about 'controlling my life' What did you mean?
H: I can't remember.
Me: you can't remember telling me, or you can't remember discussing it with J?
H: I can't remember anything.

I find living with him endlessly frustrating. I've tried to convey to him occasionally how hard it is for me, as his modds are all over the place He just bats it back to me with "So how do you think I feel? I don't want to be this way?" He has tried Mindfulness but says it doesn't work, because "it's just a way of denying reality". He often says he doesn't want to live any more. I'm just confused - I no longer know if there's a future for us as a couple.

Am I right that Relate wouldn't deal with us because he is already in counselling?

[sorrry this is really long!]

I think he's very depressed, and your relationship won't improve until his depression does.

I think you do need some sort of joint councilling.

His depression was triggered by work some 4 years ago?

Has he changed his job or has there been any material change in his working conditions that would serve to alleviate the cause of his depresssion?

If not, was his initial depression related to factors such as lack of advancement/promotion, reorganisation/intake of younger more ambitious staff, or thoughts of having made the wrong choice of career and it being too late to change direction?

You also say that he attempted suicide. How did he do this and what 'saved' him?

Depression may cause to us to retreat into ourselves but this does not give us licence to treat others like shit - which, sadly, seems to be what your dh is doing to you.

Thanks for the responses. The work issues were mainly to do with lack of career progression. He has not changed jobs and won't be doing so - he's been kind of forced into (very) early retirement and is dreading it. He has lost his confidence anyway and jobs in his sector (a very narrow specialism) are hard to find at the moment (as in so many sectors!). Changing direction does not appeal - I've tried discussing this with him and anything other than his current specialism he sees as total failure.

His suicide attempt was genuine. I came home and found him, called ambulance etc. Paramedics said if I'd been home much later it could well have been fatal. He did it when I was away on a business trip for 1 night - he said he couldn't face the empty house any longer.

I've tried discussing all sorts of things with him but he usually clams up. I find him difficult to live with, if truth be told.

On the day/evening of his attempted suicide, did you return home at the time you had stipulated or expect to return from your business trip?

Was he sectioned and/or did he spend any time as an inpatient on a psychiatric ward?

You say he's been seeing the same counsellor for the past 4 years or so. Is the counsellor a psychiatrist and/or is your h engaging in what may be determined as psychotherapy sessions?

Have you been invited or requested to attend any of these 'counselling' sessions and, if not, do you have opportunity to make any input or get feedback as to your h's prgogression? Do you believe that he has made progress?

Apologies for so many questions. After 4 years of this, I would imagine that you feel the need for counselling or some form of regular support of the type that your h is receiving.

Thanks for your interest, izzy. To answer your questions:
Yes - he knew when I'd be home; paramedics described the attempt as a cry for help because basically he expected to be found in time.
No. He was taken to A&E and seen by an out of hours team and 2 others visited him at home the following day as well.
The counsellor is a CPN. He was also seeing a psychotherapist for a while. I attended one session (at her request). H didn't seem to be engaging (I'm basing this on what she said while I was there and also how he talked about it outside of sessiosn). However, she did uncover a childhood situation which - understandably - had caused him great distress and which I don't think has been properly resolved.

I have also been invited to attend 2 sessions with the CPN. Again, I don't think H is making progress. However, I don't have much to go on as conversations tend to be like the one above: I ask 'have you told J that you feel like this?' H: 'I don't know'.

H told me the other day that 'no-one can take away the hurt and anger' that he feels (this was him trying to explain that he can't help the way he feels). I replied that he was right - no-one else can; he has to deal with it himself. I wasn't popular!

I did have a few sessions of counselling on my own, arranged through my work. I found it helpful. However, I seem to be unable to work out what it is that I want. Only then can I go about making it happen.