What the hell do I do!?

[Machasma]

I am sick to death of lying and sticking up for my Partner.

He is an alcoholic. Drinks at least 8 cans per night. Runs his own successfully business. Is never violent. Great dad etc etc. but he is definately alcohol dependant.

For the last 3 years he has told me he is giving up! It's nothing but a lie because he will for a week or a night but he always just continues!

I want to leave to prove a point! I want him to know I'm setious and this has to change. He will not get help.

Basically do I leave with my son and completely disrupt jos life to make a point?

No, you leave him because you and your son don't deserve this.

I leave a lovely family home with all my sons things and try and get housed. I wish my oh could leave.

That's not possible. It's his house. It will be me and my son that would have to leave.

Has he gone to his gp for help or contacted any support groups? Is he actively trying to give up but isn't successful ?? It would depend entirely on his attitude towards giving up that would make my mind up tbh,
I have a friend in a similar position so you have my sympathy op, my friend has tried everything to help him over the last ten years and he still drinks, it's got such a grip on him, it's like the person he once was has disappeared altogether and she's been left with this stranger in his place. Keep posting on here op you will get support x

He will not get help. Says he can to it himself which he clearly can't. Won't join a group as won't do the 12 steps as doesn't believe you should surrender responsibility and doesn't like the religious aspect.

I feel utterly helpless! Yet it's always me who's upset. Or annoyed or disappointed. If I left him he would probably use that as an excuse to drink more. He had a traumatic event years ago that started it all off. I always make excuses. He gets up every morning. Only drinks in evening. Never violent etc. I'm just so angry that he won't do anything. He will stop for a night and then spend all night wide awake and sweating then have to drink the night after because he can't cope with another night with no sleep.

Is there a reason why he's drinking so much? Maybe if you were to ask him to explain the reasoning behind it might help.

But please talk to him about leaving as you and your DS should stay at the family home ( whether it belongs to him or not it's the family home )

I know accessible drinking is nasty my aunt was like that and sadly every memory I have or get is a glass of wine and smokes. Her reason was she was unhappy with life and it was her way of coping!!! She chose not to loonat other means sadly!!!

Sorry your going through this OP it's not a nice situation abd I do hope you can sort it out.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

AlAnon.org.uk

He does have a reason. In the past was a single father. With a very small child. It was horrible circumstances and he spent every evening once the child was asleep. All by himself. Very miserable. I think that's what started it. To block it out. All is fine now but it's now an addiction. I hate him blocking everything out every evening when there is no need to anymore.

Do not move out before getting legal advice

Machasma, that's not a reason for drinking so much every night. It's an excuse.

Only you can decide how much you want to put up with. But if he's smashed and emotionally unavailable every night he is neither a good husband nor a good father.

YY to getting legal advice.

How will legal advice help? It's his house his mortgage. He would be wonderful if it wasn't for the drink. We have just had a huge row because he has come back from the shop with 4 pints and 4 cans. But he says it's his last day of drinking. So that's ok!! He won't respond to me being angry or upset or anything because his only response is that he is giving up tomorrow. I've told him I don't believe him and why the hell should I? It's all I ever hear. And already next week when he supposedly is not drinking he wants a can in the fridge just incase!

You'd be surprised what taking legal advice can do, most solicitors give a 30 min free session and it would give you a clearer picture of your rights and what you can do to change/help your situation, or it may give you the strength to take that big decision, either way it won't make your current situation any worse!

If he is shaking when he doesnt drink he needs to go to the GP's for a prescription, its a physical addiction and he cant just stop.

machasma,

"I leave a lovely family home"

No, you leave a home that is fundamentally broken. You are not responsible for him either though you think you are.

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he can lose everything and still drink afterwards. He has given you loads of excuses and that is all they are; excuses. Am certain as well that his previous partner would tell you a far different story to the one he has told you. He is telling you quite plainly as well that he does not see his alcohol intake as a problem and like many alcoholics he is in denial.

All you are to him is his enabler in a relationship mired in codependency on both sides. And no, he is not a good dad to your child either if his Dad is an alcoholic. That is you kidding yourself.

I guess as well you are not married to him. If it is his house solely and his mortgage then your legal position is extremely poor. He could theoretically tell you to leave. This is not a reason not to seek legal advice though.

You can leave him and make a better life for you and your child. Growing up in a household where one parent is alcoholic does that child no favours whatsoever and your son sees and hears far more than you can imagine. I do not think your son as an adult would thank you for staying with his drunkard dad if you were to choose to remain within this situation.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You have a choice re your man; your son does not.

Just leave him

If you have children they are being set a very poor example here

maybe he will finally relaise, maybe he won't. But he isn't going to change while you continue to condone his addiction to alcohol.

Don't ever lie for him again.

You ask 'should I leave just to prove a point' - but I am not clear what the point is that you want to prove. Do you think it would make him change? You want to prove that you are serious I suppose, but he knows this already.

As Atilla says, The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You can't decide if he drinks. You can only decide if you stay with him.

I feel utterly helpless!

But you are not helpless. It is true that you do have the power to change him. But then, no-one has the power to change others. Give up the misguided hope that there is anything you can do to help cure his alcoholism.

You do have the power to act over your own life, though.

You're not utterly helpless you do have a choice and so does he, you need to call on the reserves of strength that you have in you, we all have them, when things are tough shitty and frightening we use them this is one of those times for you! Xx

google Al-Anon and the name of your town

you'll find a number or meeting details come up.
either ring them, or start going to a meeting every week.

you'll soon realise that there is nothing you can do about this man's drinking. but you'll also learn that everything you're feeling and doing is textbook. you know you have a problem drinker on your hands when his drinking makes YOU feel helpless and out of control and angry... and yet he still doesn't care enough to stop.

he's decided the drink's more important than you, accept it, move out and let him spend quality time with the one he loves... the booze.