could really use soem advice-dating after DV

[saladsandwich]

basically i was in a relationship with my little ones dad for 9 years from 16 till i was 25 so i have pretty much no life experience with dating or men at all. where domestic violence is concerned he is an evil man, he never hit my face or broke bones but the odd punch/slap/push daily sexual abuse, emotional abuse, theres loads but the manipulation as stuck with me more than anything, hes at the opposite end of the country atm and i still feel on edge at times.

the problem i have is the manipulation as left me where i put him first before anything and everything was about not hurting him but im finding now that i am scared to hurt people i also find it impossible to read peoples intentions,

theres a chap who is my friend but i think he wants to go out with me, i have explained that i have been through hell, he says he wants to just be my friend but he would like a relationship also. i liek him as a friend he would make the perfect partner for me but im not after settling down, i'm scared of hurting him i dont want to hurt him he is a lovely guy he would do anything for me but its not the right time for me also not being shallow but i dont feel attracted to him and he isnt bad looking just not my type.

a friend as set me up on a date on friday and this guy i am attracted to and he works away 5 days a week but not as nice as the other guy personality wise but hes chatted me up on and off for a year so theres something there but im worried if we hit it off i'm going to hurt my friend, i've heard off my friend he wears his heart on his sleeve and may fall in love quickly but that could happen with me i suppose.

the last date i went on (6weeks ago) we met up 3 times and he fell in love with me it was too soon for me he was talking too deep wanting to move in ect scared me tbh i'd told him i werent looking for anything but i was 100% not ready for anything serious also found out he was a bad apple. this is my only experience of dating and it went ever so wrong :(

It sounds like you aren't ready at all. I would cancel the date on Friday (make up some excuse if you want to) and tell your man-friend that you need some time. I'd also see if you can find a nice way to tell your friend who set you up that you're really not ready for dating yet and thanks, but no thanks. Some people seem to think it's almost a crime to be single and that everyone should be in a relationship at all times, or that being in a relationship is the only way to be happy, this just isn't true, as you've found, it's much harder being in a bad relationship than being single!

It takes a long time to heal from an abusive relationship, especially when you've been in that relationship for many years, and when it's the only thing you know that makes it even harder. Part of that healing is just having some time on your own and working out what kinds of things make you happy, for you, not coming from anybody else. Also realising that you can manage alone is so empowering :)

Have you had any counselling to help you process the abusive relationship? Most people find this really helps, especially if you can find a counsellor who specialises in abuse victims. The other option is doing something like the Freedom Programme which is more of a group session where you will meet other women who have been through the same kind of thing, it will help you change your self-beliefs and expectations of relationships, help you spot healthy and unhealthy relationship signs so that when you do feel ready for dating again, you can be confident and be able to head off the bad ones straight away!

I think you need to give yourself a break, lovely.

In your situation I would hold off dating entirely until you get to know yourself a lot better and until your confidence has had chance to build up. It's normal to be concerned about hurting others, but not when it is at the expense of your own happiness and feelings. You need to really work on making you, your needs, your feelings, your choices absolutely #1 priority... even if that feels out of character. Develop a healthy selfish streak because what you want is the most important thing. What others want is not your problem. You owe them nothing. Work as well on your independence and self-sufficiency. Take pride in your resourcefulness and ability to manage your family solo. Take time out each day to think about what your best qualities and what you're achieving... even if it seems trivial like meeting your bills on time.

When you a happy in your own skin and feel truly free, independent and confident then you will be far fussier about who, if anyone, you want to share your amazing self with. They have to hit much higher standards and if you hurt their feelings because they don't quite measure up..... tough.

How long has it been since you left your violent ex?

Have you had any counseling since then? If so, I would really recommend you do: it can help you overcome issues like the one you mention here: the problem i have is the manipulation as left me where i put him first before anything and everything was about not hurting him but im finding now that i am scared to hurt people i also find it impossible to read peoples intentions,

You really shouldn't be dating anyone until you know how to put yourself first; how to recognize and withstand manipulation.

The Freedom Programme is a free group therapy programme to help women who have been through abusive relationships recognize the signs and avoid falling into the same trap again. I would highly recommend you combine that with individual therapy, and swearing off men for a while, until such time as you are confident of yourself and your value - a necessary precondition for having healthy relationships.

First lesson: You are allowed to turn down a date. You are also allowed to see other people even if a good friend who likes you that way will be hurt by it - he's a big boy and he can take care of his own feelings.

"i also find it impossible to read peoples intentions"

I've realised, after many years of trying to second-guess various people in various situations (not just dating), that telepathy does not exist. It's is far quicker and more reliable to be direct. Ask straight questions and give straight answers.

After breaking up from a fairly manipulative relationship I remember one date with pride. He was a needy type that spent the whole evening whining on about his ex... how she hated him, how the kids hated him, how the dog hated him... Previously I might have expressed concern or wanted to help. But I looked at him across the table and realised that he was already manipulating the conversation, playing the sympathy card, draining my happiness with his misery. Something snapped. "If they all hate you I'm not surprised" I said... "You're already boring the arse off me". And I got up and left. :)

I think this thread might be worth a read.

thankyou everyone, been split with my ex 2 years this year so not a recent split

i did have counselling for something else but it was with a man and at the time i hated every man, we sort of brushed on the DV but he said i have a safety mechanism from all the years of abuse where anything uncomfortable i steer the conversation so counselling will be difficult i don't know i'm doing it.

i did the freedom programme online and got the books i found it helpful, before i read the book there is no way i would have considered dating. the first date i went on i recognised it in him so ended it with no guilt, this friend because he is a nice person the best person and if he was my type he would be the perfect guy just feel pressured especially with it being a friend. the date on friday is a nice lad my type and he as put no pressure on whatsoever so i think i might keep the date and see how things go there is no pressure on to see him ever again.

my problem is that not wanting to hurt someone, i don't know how to tackle that its almost like i need permission to put me first, i dont know why i need reassurance that im not incharge of others emotions.

Not putting yourself first is just a habit learned over many years. Breaking a bad habit involves consciously deciding to change your behaviour and then repeating & practising the new behaviour for as long as it takes until it becomes your new habit.

A good technique is to find your 'Inner Diva'. You know these Hollywood stories about demanding actresses? Like that. Practice saying out loud.. 'I want', 'I demand', 'I require', 'I'm going to do'.... very direct. And conversely... 'I don't want'.. 'I'm unhappy with'.. 'I'm not doing'... etc. Might feel fake or even OTT but it's just correcting an imbalance.

Something like CBT might help with that? It sounds like the counselling you had before wasn't really helpful to you on these issues, which is fine - not all counsellors suit all people. Any good counsellor will recognise this conversation steering and work around it, not tell you it is pointless to have counselling.

Obviously everyone takes a different amount of time to be ready, but it sounds like you're still very much in the recovery process. For some reason I'm thinking of the figure "three years" but that could just be me plucking a random number out of the air.

Keep the date if you feel there is no pressure :) But remember you can choose what you want, it doesn't have to be anything if you don't want it to be.

thanks, i have to keep telling myself what others do is not my business, my friend is trying to help me and as helped me in the past which is why i feel pressured, its my fault for accepting the help tbh when i should have pushed him away.

im going to keep the date, i know im not right but i think if i do go on the odd date it may help me relax a little around men, this guy i met years back just through being a friend of a friend so know him slightly and on the surface he seems ok, i have not got that bad feeling about him where i did with my ex and the last date.

friend is messaging this minute offering to help me with something that would improve our lives so much but i cant accept now, i've told him im not into a relationship, i've even told him my mate as set me up on a date he knows about all the DV but he still wants to be my friend and help me, its confusing and upsetting me all this i feel torn :(

i think i can self refer to the mental health team to a cpn but dont want to do that, my ex use to use it against me :(

If you are finding that this friendship is confusing or upsetting you, perhaps it's an idea to step away from him for a while. If he's genuine then he will understand and not be hurt by this. You can always come back to the friendship when you're feeling a little more settled.

You can access CBT through your GP, just tell them the problems you are having, and they will be able to sort it out for you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and nobody has to know if you don't tell them anyway :) It's just the same as a physical health problem - you wouldn't feel the need to tell everyone about it.

i think your right im going to sleep on it but i think i need time out, he usually pops in for a cuppa on tuesdays so think i'll tell him then that im struggling with the friendship.

last time it was the health visitor who refered me then i got a letter to refer myself to the cpns, i had counselling via the nhs but found the cpns actually much better, i feel able to talk about the abuse abit now so maybe i'm ready x

That sounds positive :) I'm sure your friend will understand you needing to have some space and thinking time, even if he is a bit disappointed. Definitely go via the CPNS if you think they helped more last time. I hope it works out for you :)

thankyou, i think it will be the end of our friendship tbh after everything i've said to him hes just offered to cook me dinner :(

If these 'friends' don't take your fear seriously, if they don't listen to you, don't give you the space you are asking for, you need to BIN them. No second thoughts.

TRUST your instincts.

You may have left 2 years ago, and the online FP is a good idea, but there is no substitute for sitting with other women, hearing them talk, and them triggering memories and realisations that you never considered part of anything.

You NEED to work on the DV stuff. You are very young my dear girl, you have so much of your life ahead of you, please don't worry that this time is lost, it's not. This time you have now to heal yourself is the biggest investment ever made in YOU, and it will pay off BIG time in the future.

If you have any doubts, want to bounce any ideas off anyone, pop along to the EA support thread. Let us know how you need support.