A new relationship and Cancer.

[timmyleedances]

I have never posted before but I don't want to unload this in real life

I have been in a new relationship for around 6 months now. She is great and we were talking about her meeting my son who is 5. (I am a single and lone parent)

At 30 she has just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Had to tell me over the phone (I am currently abroad for work)

Having just been diagnosed she is still deciding what she is going to chose (surgery wise) She is terrified, she saw her aunt die of cancer and her mother also has had breast cancer.

Her family don't live close at all (we are down south and she is scottish)

I don't know what to do
It is a very new relationship. She hasn't met my son yet.

What do I do? I really really like her but how do I manage and is it even the best thing to do (I feel horrible writing that)

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. I had breast cancer 6 years ago, the most difficult part was that I didn't ever know my prognosis until my next text. That's how it is with most cancer's and it is impossible to decide what to do in advance as you just don't know what it's going to be like in any particular case. This is important for you to know in terms of trying to make plans around your DS (I would agree that this can wait for now until at least you have both got your heads around this). It is not going to be easy.

My perspective? If I had been in a relationship of 6 months and my DP's reaction was 'I don't know whether to stay or go' I would have told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then when he got there, to fuck off some more. If you think this is harsh, remember your poor DP will be devastated, confused and need to know those close to her really care no matter what.

The last thing she needs right now is having to worry about you not knowing how you feel whilst she is getting ready for what maybe the fight her life. A month btw, to her right now is going to feel like an eternity and if you leave her waiting for that length of time (with the added uncertainly on top of everything else) as you whether you are going to stick around you may find you make yourself irrelevant anyway.

Now I understand you must also be in shock and at least should be credited with recognising this has huge implications for all of you and for having the sense to come on here to ask for advice. Think, and think very carefully about how you feel because tbh if you don't want to be there in the rough times you really won't deserve her in what I sincerely hope will be the many good times to come in her life. It is your decision, just don't make any false promises. I wish you both strength and a lot of luck.

test, not text! apologies in advance for any likely other typos...

Tricky, and I also commend you for realising what a big deal this is.

Unlike Helen, above, I haven't had cancer (touch wood) but I do have a debilitating condition so am basing my thoughts on that. I would hate the thought that anyone was with me because it was "the right thing to do" or he felt sorry for me, etc. With a 6-month relationship I wouldn't be expecting the kind of support that may prove necessary and would possibly be a bit suspicious if newish partner started running around after me!

So, I wouldn't be telling you to fuck off but would be extremely concerned about how the illness was going to destabilise what might have been a good relationship. I'd be very reassured to find you were thinking along the same lines.

So, as ever, my advice boils down to TALK ABOUT IT. She's going to be utterly reeling at the moment so, for now, hold off the big chats and send lots of treats, lovely cards and virtual hugs. Do let her know you're willing to stick around, and that you hope to talk about things when you're back and she's found out her immediate treatment regime. Don't assume any decisions makes now will be permanent; she's in shock.

It's rotten bad luck for you both (well, more for her but you know what I mean). Of course this has disrupted everything either of you expected or hoped for. Equally obviously, you can't predict what's going to happen so, basically, it's daft to try. Just be a good friend to her right now and, when you're ready, talk :)

... should have clarified: "talk" means "listen" too!

helen thanks. A virtual kick up the ass was what I needed.

I talked to her and she is realing but maybe we change our relationship and stuff but change is the optimum word.
She has been great about my son and well she is only ill.

Thank you to you all.

I have a friend who recently came through breast cancer and has been in remission for some time - no reason to think her chances are any different to anyone else now.

Your girl is still the person she was - she hasn't changed she just has a tough road to walk for a while. There is no reason why you can't walk it with her and let your feelings continue to develop, they may develop differently to how they would have of she hadn't had this happen but you could still see where it goes and no-one ever knows what life is going to throw at them, you may find aspects to her you admire deeply which would have remained unseen otherwise, who knows. If the hard times cause the relationship to falter then maybe that is life sometimes - hard times can test any relationship.

But there is no point trying to second guess that and throwing away something because it could be bad possibly maybe.

It may be the making of you both, and your son will learn a lot from seeing his Dad being a supportive caring person in the meantime.

I haven't read the other posts so not sure why she couldn't meet your son as you say poeple have suggested, at 4am my brain isn't producing any reasons for that, as bugs can affect anyone, she can stay away if he is ill and the fun stuff you might do together could be a good distraction. You don't have to let 5yo get so close he will be devastated if she died but meeting daddy's important friend might mean if you are feeling sad you can say it is because she is poorly. You don't have to scare the bejeesus out of him - but it is real life to know people can get sick.

She is a grown woman not a child and she knows you are both still finding each other and her expectations of you won't be the same as if you were her husband, but she will respect you for not running a mile and being there for her as much as circumstances and feelings, such as they are now, allow. Give her the credit of intelligence that she knows the relationship is early - her illness doesn't mean she will suddenly lean on you like a ton of bricks she is likely to be acutely aware that it is early days and high levels of need could be awkward for both of you - you may find she doesn't lean on you enough as she tries to navigate her feelings.

You just tell her what you are able to give emotionally and what she can rely on from you without false promises and let her be herself.

timmy