Husband has moved out - When does the pain stop?

[Annem1]

I have been with my husband 22 years. He had been threatening to move out since February and moved out just over a week ago two days after my birthday and a week after our anniversary. Things had got a few weeks before he moved out we even went away for weekend with the kids for our anniversary at his suggestion but he still moved out.

He has seen the kids almost every day since then. I am not coping very well I cried when I saw him the other day and he said I was immature. To be fair the kids don't cry when he goes.

He said me may come back if I change but I can't make myself into a different person. I don't think he will come back.

Does the pain ever stop. The kids are going to stay at his next weekend for the first time I am dreading it.

I'm so sorry to hear this - not least because your ex's attitude seems extremely callous and unhelpful. You crying is hardly a sign of immaturity. Call you immature, however, probably is.

It's very early days for you - I think it's often said on MN that the person leaving a relationship has mentally left it some time before physically leaving it, whereas to you it's all hitting you at once. Be kind to yourself and don't expect just to cope with everything.

How are your kids doing?

The pain will stop when you start to take charge of your life rather than letting this horrible man control you a day longer. Of course you're not going to change into a different person.... I'm sure you're perfectly OK just the way you are!!! Stop him popping around to see the children if it is upsetting you. He is not entitled to just drop by when he feels like it. Make that non-negotiable.

I'd strongly recommend, as a starting point, that you see a solicitor. Takes a certain amount of strength and courage because it's an admission to yourself that this is the end. But it is also a way of getting yourself into the driving seat, controlling the future rather than being at the mercy of events... waiting for him to decide what to do. Discussing legalities also helps take the raw emotion out of the situation and that can help you focus your energies into something constructive.

Good luck

He said me may come back if I change so what exactly does he want you to become . I'd say that was an excuse
He does sound pretty callous. Sorry but do you think there's someone else?

Do you know your best bet is to get on with YOUR life. Atm everything revolves around him that is according to him and it would do no harm for him to see that the world carries on perfectly well without him. Also seek legal advice definately.

Sorry this is happening to you :(

I am so confused. We were having marriage counselling to I prove things. Then he refused too go anymore and said he had wasted his life with me, we had nothing in common and there was nothing left between us. To be honest I think he had a bit of a meltdown. His go told him he had symptoms of acute stress. He had been threatening to leave since February. The last few weeks had been a lot better but he still left. He had been sleeping in the spare room for six months his choice not mine. I spoke at marriage counselling about how much that hurt me.

He says hes moves out to stop us arguing and because he wants change and that if that occurs he will come back but Im not sure I believe him. We have been trying to keep it amicable for the kids. He talked about us going on dates to repair things. But I feel he contradicts himself. He said the other day is I didn't collate in rebuilding things he would tell the kids I was to blame.

I suffer from depression and am finding things hard. I have no family nearby. I
Love him but part of me wishes I didn't have to see him to stop the pain.

It sounds as though the whole counselling business was fairly half-hearted... going through the motions because he'd already decided to go but felt he should be seen to be making an effort. And you're quite right about him contradicting himself. That is ultimately very cruel because all of this hot/cold thing where one minute it's his fault and the next minute you're to blame just means that you're either holding out false hopes or wondering what it is you could do differently. 'Stress' sounds like an excuse.

As I said before, you do not have to see him except when it is convenient and appropriate for you. If it upsets you too much at the moment, you are entitled to tell him to stay away until you've had chance to calm down and decide how things should work. It's perfectly reasonable.

Take the pain you're feeling and allow yourself to get angry. 'Love' means nothing when it's only going one-way.

Unfortunately you didn't take the advice from your last thread and what posters predicted has come to pass. Trying to get someone to love you again when their mind and body are elsewhere is a hopeless exercise and only ends up making you feel worse. Stop trying to compete now and get on with your own life. Your husband is cruel and thinks that wives should prove their 'worthiness' but in truth you are better off without this nasty controlling man. Follow your children's example. They see him more clearly than you.

Annem... When my h left I was devastated, he did the same as your ex is doing to you now blowing hot and cold, one minute he was thinking about coming back the next he was never coming back. ( He lied and said the house he had taken when he moved out only had a 3 month lease he had taken it for a year). And all this time he was drip feeding me telling me he wasn't sure if he loved me or not and that he had picked a picture for his house that he knew I would like..wtf This went on for months on end phone calls at night texts during the day, what I didn't realise at the time was that this was appeasing his guilt and making him feel better. Whereas it was torturing me the indicision going back and forth back and forth. They do this for themselves and I wish I knew then what I know now that I wouldn't have let this go on for so long. I did eventually say enough I can't take this anymore its over and I started to get on with my dc and my life. It's true what another poster said your h has been planning this for a while and has come to terms with what he has done whereas your still in shock and its all relatively new..
Its time to think for yourself now, don't be a victim you can be alone and in a few months time honestly you will think thank god he is gone. Go and enjoy your children they are the important ones now not this selfish waste of a space man who is only thinking about himself. Your the lucky one you have your children and being strong for them will pull your through this.

he's got another woman OP. let him go. i suggest you get yourself into counselling, and start structuring your life so you see him as little as possible.

i've read your other thread - he's a cruel, shitty person. really. the things he's said to you are really just plain nasty and horrible, and designed to make you feel weak and defeated. so that you'll be at his beck and call, and never get angry with him or tell him to fuck off. it's sickening really.

it's so obvious he has another woman, she may as well be living in the bloody front room. please ensure that you do not "date" this man. you wouldn't date a new man who was this much of an arsehole, so don't waste time on him.

the pain is temporary. other posts here have covered that aspect... i will say, you need to gather some support around you. talk here on MN, get to a counsellor, even call the Samaritans! it all helps.

i hope you get through the pain soon. your life will be better without this man in it.

Annem your pain will go in about 4 years. You WILL survive, promise.

He has another woman, and this was an exit affair. He has gone (but there is some ambivalence).

Now: what you have to do, is work on YOURSELF. Where does your depression come from? Your childhood? His treatment of you and your loneliness, or (probably) a mixture of the two?

I could have written your post. I was you, devastated. Now, 3+ years on he could walk out the door and I know I would be fine. Only, he won't go!

You have to be a little bit honest and look at your dependency on him. THIS is the 'me' work you need to do. Carry on going to counselling, and focus on YOU.

1. Do you work?
2. Do you have your own network of friends? (they are the ones who will support you and stop you being isolated, and let you know you are lovable)
3. Do you have an activity that gets you out physically? Zumba class?
4. Do you have a hobby or interest as part of a group? bird watching, rambling, quilting, whatever.

Until you have sorted out these things, your marriage and relationship is irrelevant. You MUST do these things, learn to stand on your own two feet. Otherwise you are a deadweight to him or any other man, can you see this?

This is very hard work, the hardest you will do. But when you do, your pain will recede, you will be doing what you should always have been: a person in your own right. How much more attractive are you to your H then! If you start this now, OW will have worn off, and you could maybe one day start again, this time better?

Acute stress does not make someone turn to blackmail to get what they want- "if I didn't collate in rebuilding things he would tell the kids I was to blame." I have been stressed and depressed and I would never ever say that sort of thing. He's threatening to damage the relationship you have with your children if you don't do what he wants. This and a number of other examples that others have touched upon show what a nasty person he is being. It's bullying behaviour. There's no excuse.

You don't need to change. You need to put up boundaries with this person who feels free to treat you like this. Things don't all have to be when and how he wants them and on his terms. You are allowed to have a say here and stand up for yourself- he'll then make out that it's your fault that things didn't work out and say that if you'd only done x or y that it could have been okay, but now he's never coming back. But that won't be the reality. Trust me, it's so predictable- he'll chop and change his mind and make different demands but as soon as you stand up to him somehow it'll be your fault.

Just to add on something else: the reason I say all of this is so you realise that you can't win with someone who acts like this, and so there's no point trying to change or accommodate him or do whatever he wants. You might as well start doing what you want and what you think is best rather than exhausting yourself pandering to him.

Actually, you will realise fairly soon how much better off you are without this bellend in your life. You are fine as you are, you don't need to change just to feed his ego. Let him know that the option of coming back is no longer open to him as you no longer want him, arrange set times for him to see the DC not in your house and get things in motion with a solicitor. THis man is not all-powerful, he's just a prick and one you are well rid of.

You say that he sees the dc almost every day? How is this effected?

Does he come to the home he chose to leave and acts like he still owns the place, how long does his 'contact' with the dc last? If he comes to your home do you provide him with refreshments?

This man needs a mahoosive kick up the arse - and you've come to right place to gain the means to give him one

Sorry you are going through this painful time OP. I have been separated from my ex-H for 16 months now, and we had about 4 months of shit before that point while he kept stringing me along whilst sleeping with other women, deciding he loved me one minute, sleeping with yet another woman the next!

It was bloody awful. But I am in such a good place right now, we are fairly amicable. I really no longer love him at all, do not want him back or any of that. Am happily single and 'discovering myself' which I really needed to do after a 20 year relationship. It has been a very hard 18 months but with positive glimpses from a few months in. These positive bits were interspersed with sadness / lonliness and all that, but I am truly happy being single now and enjoying a new exciting phase in my life.

His yo-yoing behaviour is very cruel and you need to have the strength to cut it off. This is a step that I had to take, I'm sure that I'd still be very unhappily married to a cheating man to this day if I hadn't called time on it. Now that I look back on that time I see that our relationship was utterly dead already, and that I was just flogging a dead horse, but at the time it was very hard to say 'ENOUGH'. But I am so glad that I did.

Now is time for you to be brave and strong. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. And the sooner you cut this 'relationship' dead the SOONER you will start feeling better. Hugs.