He turned into his controlling Mother!!

[Twiggy71]

I think my relationship with my h was EM abusive we have been separated now 3 1/2 years and I can't seem to get fully over how he treated me, can anyone help?

Sorry everyone that I haven't wrote much, but I wrote a message that took me an hour and then I lost it. If anyone can help I will explain more what I mean.

Have you seen a counsellor at all? You have probably been psychologically damaged by being in an abusive relationship. Maybe you could ask your GP for a referral.

I have asked and asked my gp to refer me, I did see a mental health nurse as I have previously suffered with depression but she just sort of said well he's gone now..that was sort of it then!!

Thanks for replying neuroticmumof3

I think the only way to deal with the hurt when someone has treated you very badly is to concentrate very much on looking forward rather than back. Acknowledge the past but do not allow it to negatively influence the future. Accept that you will never forget what happened or even 'get over it' as such but that you can consign it - like other bad experiences - to being a very small part of your life. IME Dwelling on working out why he behaved as he did or why you responded as you did tends only to extend the reach of the abuse. Allocating too much time allows them to keep you trapped in the memories, even though you are no longer physically trapped. 'He's gone now' is simple but very sound advice. I'd be taking it.

At the beginning he would of done anything for me to make me happy, by the end of our marriage he was controlling, always 100% right about everything. I didn't know anything about our finances as he was secretive he had a password on his laptop and he had a password on his phone..Why?
He told me he didn't love me and he wasn't happy and that his dc came first always..
I just want some insight into all of this, even when we decided to separate he waited for me to go out and by the time i came back home he had told my dc that we were separating he hadn't even told me he was going to do this I was devastated.......as usual he just pretended I didn't exist!!

Thanks ces I wish I could just forget and move on but I can't seem to do this and can't understand why I am holding onto things and not moving on. For god sakes its 3 1/2 yrs on and he still has a hold over me..

Twiggy, have you seen the support for people in abusive relationships thread? Come on over, there are lots of people on there who are no longer with their ex. It can be hard to get over, and confusing since your mind doesn't work the way his did. Any book by Lundy Bancroft would help you understand the dynamics of what happened and many people have found the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid helpful.

You don't talk a lot about the dynamics or how long it went on for, but it absolutely can keep hold of you for much longer than you would want. Hope you find the healing you want now.

You cold try and get some talking therapy to try and better understand what happened and why you let it go on? Or CODA meetings are a 12-step support group for people who want to improve relationships (with themselves and others), again would help you understand yourself better and what you deserve and want from other people. Personally I have found both empowering.

I think you would really benefit from the Freedom Programme. It's a free group therapy programme, held in lots of different places all over the UK, that helps women who have been in abusive relationships to understand (and come to terms with) what happened in their abusive past.

Individual counselling if you can get it would also be extremely helpful. Try to find a counsellor who has a specialist understanding of domestic abuse.

I agree with Cogito that the ultimate answer is to accept and move on, but it sounds like you still need to re-examine the past in order to process it (and that done, be able to move on).

Thanks butterflybee, daffydowndilly and hotdamnlifeisgood...
I don't know but I feel very stupid by not really knowing he was being EA, it wasn't until I came on here that I really realised what h had been doing. By reading what other people were saying and all the things he had been doing to me and I guess sometimes when your in the middle of it you just don't realise..
By always trying to please him constantly even my m said to me two years into the separation why are you still listening to him moaning and going on at you about things, i think i was so ingrained in my thinking that i still just put up with it. He even texted me to ask where i was when he was picking up my dd who is 14 ( i had nipped out to my m's who only lives 2 minutes away ) why was he still wanting to see me??
I feel anger at myself for not seeing what was in front of me, wtf was I thinking??

We were married for 16 yrs and together altogether for 19 years, he was my first and only love..
I am going to my first counselling session tomorrow ( I feel so nervous ) I only phoned about it last week as I was told I could access this service through work hope this is the beginning of the end for me, I have wasted enough of my life on him already..

Very well done on arranging counselling sessions. It sounds from your posts that it's all really ready to come out now - good timing!

Yes, this probably is the start of a whole new you. There are plenty of people on the Relationships board going through the same as you. This will be an excellent place to vent if you need it.