Help. Can I walk out of a marriage after 27 years?

[browneyes7]

I've been married for a long time. he works hard, never misses a day at work even if really ill and at least once at the weekend plays golf. Once again today he's gone out at 9am and won't be back until about 4pm. I have given up trying to get him to do anything with me at weekends.
We don't have sex very much at all the last time was end of January.
He regularly drinks too much.
He's not unfaithful, doesn't gamble and has been a good father, but is very distant emotionally.
Several friends have advised that i should "get on with it".

I feel terrible for even thinking about leaving becuase of all his good points, but I am so lonely in this marriage.
Would it be worse to be alone? How would I cope financially, I do work but don't earn a lot.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What good points does he have exactly?. Someone who is distant emotionally in all aspects of his life and drinks too much regularly is really not good.

Has he really been a good father to his children (I would ask them this directly), let alone a husband to you if for one thing he drinks too much?. Or are you kidding yourself and bumbled along throughout the marriage hoping against hope that he will have some sort of epiphany and change?. Denial after all is a powerful force.

He seems to get what he wants out of this marriage but you clearly do not and have not for a long time. I think you are pretty much alone within this marriage anyway so being on your own physically won't be any worse than now.

What do your children think of their Dad?. They may well wonder why you have remained with this man for so long. Opinion of friends too can be instructive; they are telling you to "get on with it" so why have you procrastinated for so long?

You can seek legal advice from a Solicitor and finding out what your options are legally is a good idea. Knowledge after all is power.

How would you feel if you spent the next year let alone decade in the same position as you are now?. He will not change and you only live once. Its never to late to leave and walk away. Infact I have recently read the the level of divorce has increased and women in their 50s and 60s are using this course of action even more now.

I suspect your issues are as follows:

• he is a workaholic

-he doesnt relax easily as a result -he is a bit obsessive about his hobbies -he takes you for granted and thinks you are controlling, if you criticise his behaviour -you dont think he will change, but you stay with him in the hope that he will, despite evidence to the contrary?

Is this you? it was me. He did change, but only because I prepared for divorce, and he knew I was deadly serious.

Do excuse me if I am presuming too much.

Have you tried talking to him? Couples counselling?

I think fiventhree talks sense. Also after 27 yrs of marriage, I am assuming you guys are middle aged and therefore he might retire soon or take things a bit easier? Are you OK financially? Are you taking massive holidays? Maybe you could shock him into understanding your loneliness in some way?

If you ask him to play golf say, one or twice a month instead of every weekend, what does he say?

I think before you ask anyone on MN you ought to talk to your DH.

Have you?

If you haven't then no, you can't walk out after 27 years without giving him the chance to change. Unless you know for sure that you don't love him, andn othing he can do will make you feel differently.

The other point is- do you have a life of your own? Interests? I think in an ideal relationship the couple spend 33% of their time together, 33% on their own doing things and 33% with friends. Maybe a little more together, but not joined at the hip at weekends.

I expect he works hard to enable you to work part time, and golf is his way of relaxing.

If you want to be more of a couple then you need to tell him, and plan time together at weekends. You might also like to suggest couples' counselling so you can both talk about your expectations of your relationship with a neutral party to mediate.

Might he do that with you?

thanks everyone. Fiveandthree - I think thats spot on.
Yes I have tried talking to him and asking for really quite small changes but nothing really changes.
I do have a life, I work, have friends, go to the gym etc but that doesn't stop me wanting to spend time with hubby
We are OK financially and usually enjoy holidays but it does feel like thats the only time we spend together.

So what does he say when you talk to him . If you say, for example, I would like to spend every other weekend with you, doing something together, how does he feel about that. Does he agree and then slip back into old ways, or does he insist he has to play golf (or whatever)?

Usually when people say they talk but nothing changes it means that one person talks, the other nods their head in agreement but does not really contribute much to the conversation. The person talking thinks they have been heard but the other person is really just waiting for it all to blow over so that things can carry on as they are.

You need to talk properly. Agree a plan. Write it down if necessary. And keep coming back to it if you are still unhappy. Don't be fobbed off but do make sure he understands how you feel.

He has become emotionally unavailable and also he is making it clear with his actions that you dont matter that much to him. Any complaining will be water off a ducks back, as he doesnt plan to change and just wants you to stop mentioning it.

Try looking at this:

[http://peterfox.com.au/family_fusers_isolators.htm]

Also, I remember Abitwobblynow on here saying that her counsellor told her that:

"when men are EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE they will often ARRANGE their lives around distance: work (merchant banker, pilot, oil rig, ex pat, long shifts, you name it) relationships (porn, internet chat rooms, affairs, involvement in the kids), long and involved hobbies, sports, committees, anything that keeps them AWAY."

This sounds like your h to me , from what you have said.

It is a shock for many of us to realise this, as it is usually presented as something else.

You know that you only have two choices, though. One is to accept it, and plod on. The other is to change yourself.

This isnt about you being too clingy, I doubt you are. You need to have a clear conversation with him telling him what you have noticed and what you believe. And also, what you are willing to live with, in order for the relationship to continue. If he isnt willing to change, or says he will then doesnt, then you have to take action.

I didnt need to leave my h, but I was certainly going to at the end, and it did shock him into changing his behaviour, and our relationship is now on a far more equal footing. I am quite sure that if I had been playing at it, it wouldnt have worked out.

Or maybe insist on going to Relate, or similar.

Would ti be a fair guess to say that your DCS have recently left home, and you are now a "couple" again?

It's not at all unusual for long relationships to hit the buffers . It's also common for the point when kids leave home to necessitate a re-negotiation of your relationship.

I think you should not throw the baby out with the bath water.

I think there is the worl od difference between asking ofr "small changes" and having a really frank, no-holdsbarred discussion about the state of your marriage.

I am guessing you have not had this.

What do you man when you say he is " very distant emotionally"?
How does this show itself day to day?

Would it be fair to suggest that this has been your marriage for a long time, but that something has changed (Kids going??) to make you really look closely at what you have?

I think we need more info before we can suggest anything else.

I was thinking..

would it be fair to say that your DH could be unhappy too?

The "escapes" to golf, into drink, and work, sound to me like an unhappy man but one who is afraid to talk about how he is feeling.

I don't think you are the only one unhappy with your marriage- but gently nagging or asking for small changes is not going to cut the mustard, is it?

You need a really open, emotional talk where BOTH of you say what you want out ofl ife and your marriage for the next 30 years.

The most important thing to do:

Say clearly and to the point:

1. I am unhappy at how little time we spend together and talk.

1. I would like US to go to counselling.

1. If you don't go, I am going.

1. Go. Work on yourself: facing your loneliness, lost hopes, getting a sense of self, starting friendships and hobbies. That takes the focus off HIM and on to YOU (the only person you can change). And, funny stuff happens. When he comes back from golf, you are out the door to a zumba class. And no, you didn't have time to make supper he can do it himself.

Gradually life stops being tailored to his needs. He might start getting a bit worried. He might decide he will join you in counselling. Or he might get nasty. He might find OW. Nobody knows how he will react but no matter. Keep on keeping on. And what happens? Happens. But living a life half alive is living a life half dead.

It is only clear and fair that you state calmly and clearly that you are not fulfilled at the moment and that you are going off to talk to someone about it and that you want him to join you.

This is really important. I second what 5 says: screaming, crying, nagging silence doesn't work.
The ONLY thing that might make him decide to pay attention is if you start living your life as if he is never going to come back (emotionally) and living AS THOUGH you are alone. And that means BEING PREPARED to live alone. Like: this is changing or I might as well be alone.

Throwing him out the door does not mean the end either. A little bit of him living on his own whilst hearing that you are busy busy climbing Mount Snowdon or whatever? Rearranges the respect levels. But you have to mean it. Michele Wiener calls it the 180.

wobbly many posts back, I asked the OP if she had interests etc- thinking along the same lines as you.

She said she has/does.

I still think there are two unhappy people in this marriage. men tend to bury themselves in work and golf/sport/garden sheds.

If the OP goes off and climbs Everest etc to "make a point" and "get a life outside DH" he may feel that she is doing what he is- distancing himself.

I agree that you can't change anyone- you can only change yourself, and they will react. Classic psychology- well known. However, in this case, I think talking is needed- and not whining, but really talking.

From Washingmachine on another thread:

when I was furious, and walked out, leaving him with the dc for a change, he was wierdly impressed that 'the old mywashingmachineneverstops was back.' Wanker. In my experience, the more you show him what he has to lose by getting on with life without him, the more he will want you.

But wobbly- with respect, that post was really focusing on a man who had DCs at home, and was missing the domestic services provided!

This couple are presumably 50s, no DCs around, and he is probably quite capable of doing his own washing and putting a meal in the oven.

I don't think you resond to detachment or ndifference with the same-if you want to save the relationship- because it may simply make things worse.

You can walk out but actually what you say is you want more time with him. Presumeably because when it's good you still enjoy each others company.
You also say you go to the gym, have you considered taking up golf so you could sometimes play together or enjoy golf weekends away? Or maybe become involved in the social side of the golf club?

My mam did-she just got tired of it.
I would rather they were together as they are both the same yet apart. My mother didn't move on after the seperation it hurt and drained the life out of her. She made her problem our problem iykwim .
Try to be proactive book dinner dates-make plans for ye -he will probably work to a schedule rather than make the plan himself.

Sorry if this sounds mean but I feel I missed out and even my kids miss out on a comfortable relationship with both as side are inevitably taken in a break up.

Blue, what dust says.

OP needs to work on being less 'compliant' ie, going along with HIS agenda and quietly resenting it. She needs to 'rock the boat' and show she is prepared to end things, she CAN live on her own because she IS living on her own, iykwim.

A sort of active setting of boundaries.

Am watching this with interest cos am
in similar boat . We didn't get the life we planned and are hurting. My husband subconsciously 'blames' me. He is as you say emotionally detached.

I don't think the OP is coming back annie, why not start your own thread and see if you can find a way to a happier marriage/life.

Been reading all with interest. I know some of my stuff is mixed up - want to be on my own - want to spend more time with him.
Just shows how confused i feel about it all. The situation also complicated by having a son in his 20s with a minor disability still living with us and u/e. Think I will probably go for doing more by and for myself, by myself and with friends and see how he reacts.