Moving back to hometown isn't working out - WWYD?

[Oscalito]

DH and I lived in the UK - met there, married there, had a baby there. I moved over from Oz in my 20s. I never really fitted into Aussie life, and much preferred the UK, immediately felt at home there and never wanted to leave. My DH, however, never felt at home here (we're from the same town in Oz) and always wanted to get back. I suspect, though, that he tends to not feel completely at home anywhere, due to his family background and very disrupted childhood.

So last year, while I was still reeling from the shock of new motherhood, it was decided we would have a go of it back home. I went along, thinking it would be a good thing in lots of ways. But it's not really working out. I find my mother difficult, for one. She's always been very moody, and has never really liked me very much. I always thought I'd understand her better once I became a mother, but all it's done is made me see how loveless our relationship is. There is simply no bond. I suspect she had a bad birth with me that she never got over; have tried to talk to her about it but she doesn't open up about anything. Being around her on a regular basis is hard - she's overbearing, obsessive, always talks about herself, says very strange things, can be really bitchy and interferes in my parenting.

So that has been hard. I just feel depressed here, as I always did when growing up. I am furious at my husband for not listening to me about coming here, and annoyed that he got his way, when I had a good life in the UK. But now we are kind of stuck. We spent a fortune relocating and don't have money to move again for a while. The basic plan is to give it a couple of years and have another baby, but I just wonder about bringing another baby into this. I just drive around all day with my toddler. We've joined a playgroup and swimming lessons etc, but it's just so isolated here. My old friends don't have kids, so I haven't seen much of them. I had a nice little life in the UK which I miss desperately, and I miss my old self there, if that makes sense.

Part of me wonders if it's just motherhood, and not where I am living. Maybe I would feel this isolated anyway? I'm just wondering, has anyone else found themselves in a simliar situation, and if so, how did you cope?

Ach that does sound shit. And you can't really up sticks again can you right now. :( can you at least try and minimise the negative - contact with your mother for a start.

Yeah I know that's one thing. It was a lot easier when we were in different hemispheres though. Part of my anxiety I think is having another baby here - she was a nightmare the first time around.

I think it sounds tough!

A sense of isolation is very circumstantial and can change quickly with the inclusion of just a couple of worthwhile people in your life.

I think hunting down some good friends would be the best place to start (and as something says to reduce contact with your Mum who is clearly an emotional millstone)

Can you join more groups, or start your own! What options like that are open to you?

Good point GinPalace. I am going to start tai chi tomorrow. I do need more stuff like that in my life, a bit of timeout. 'A sense of isolation is very circumstantial' is just the kind of thing I need reminding of right now. Thank you.

I don't think you have any right to be furious that your DH got his way as you agreed to it

Can you not cut the toxic people out of your life? Pretend they aren't there and make new friends for a while?

Yeah I know, it's not really fair to be mad at DH Kayano. I need to remember that, he's basically a good person, this situation is what is causing the straing.

He didn't really understand my family dynamics until we moved back, and is more understanding now of why I don't want to be here. I do get so mad, though, although I am trying to be reasonable about it when we talk. I think it's partly because with him I can express my anger, whereas with my mother it's simply not allowed. so he's probaby copping a fair bit of my anger towards her. Being here just sends me a bit crazy

strain not straing!

Also, I could never cut off my mother. It would be too hard on everyone else, especially my dad.

I think you know DH isn't at fault - that doesn't change how you feel though does it. I think if he acknowledged the god things you have lost and could therefore empathise with how you felt that would take the heat out of it. Often people are so hell bent on trying to cheer us up or make us look on the bright side they don't take time to agree that your feelings are completely understandable and to be expected and that you feel shit sometimes over something that was supposed to be a good thing goes a long way to making you feel better - as you feel understood! especially when you feel like the 'sacrifice' was made by you for someone else - even if you didn't know quite waht a sacrifice it was going to be at the time. It's almost like you need a 'thank you for doing that for me' then a 'OK we're here now - what can we do about it?'

Don't cut your mother off - just get crafty - i.e see her in public places like cafes to limit time and/or opportunities for being mean. Or if you can grit your teeth for one hour but 3 a bit much, see her little and often - that sort of thing.

god - good!

"so, I could never cut off my mother. It would be too hard on everyone else, especially my dad".

Forget him for a minute; what about you?.

What has he really done though to protect you from the excesses of your mother's toxic behaviour?. I would also look at a website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I would at the very least keep all contact with your parents to the bare minimum. They don't bring anything positive into your life.

Would not let your dad off the hook here; he like many men in these types of situations act as bystanders out of self preservation and want of a quite life.

Attila I stumbled upon that website just before I moved home. I was in shock for about two days and went to see a therapist because it shook me so much. I am still reeling, to be honest, as it described her perfectly, and being around her now in light of this new understanding is part of what is so hard about being here. I know I have to keep contact to a minimum. It was just so much easier before.

Yeah I am a bit disenchanted with my dad too. but I also feel sorry for him, he's so controlled by her.

Ginpalace Yeah he does just say, well, look on the bright side. He's more optimistic by nature which generally is a good thing but can also be a bit grating!