My mentally insane mother just sent dd a letter!

[Rhubarb]

snippets are "I did not see much of you at Christmas but when you come next time I will make sure that I see you for longer......I am putting some money in for you and (ds) to get some sweets if mummy will take you both to the shops......I miss you all and love you lots. I will write to you again soon." Inside was 20 euros.

This may look innocent, but she is writing because she wants my children to know that she is the victim here, she is the sweet little granny that sends them money and writes them letters and I'm the nasty one that wants to break off contact! You see to everyone on the outside she is as nice as can be and no-one seems to realise what the problem is. She can be so sweet and thoughtful and sickly, but inside she is scheming and mad and devious and damaging!

She is threatening to see more of them and to write again! How do I deal with this? How do I make sure that she is not seen as the innocent victim in my children's eyes?

Tell the kids the euros were fake!

Sorry I know this is a serious issue, and one I don't know the answer to. This is a very hard situation where you will loose out either way IMO. Either you continue to allow her to see the DC or they may begrudge the fact that they don't see her. And blame you. pOOR YOU.

atm they're too little to think anything. I've always been very reasonable about this and will not disallow them seeing her - under supervision at all times though. Hopefully we will never live near enough for her to be a real problem. But it's just sooo annoying that she knows she has lost me so now she's trying it on with my kids!

I don't know the history to this but it very often helps to kill with kindness, ie. rise above it and play along with how nice and kind it was to send the money and be pleasant about her to the kids.

They will then have nothing to rebel against when they are older and providing you have the control over supervision of access etc. you come out as the mature, in control one who is not letting this apparently insane woman get to you.

Did that make sense?

hmmmm, yes and no. I can see where you are coming from but that would be playing along with her little game, getting the children to love her so she can damage them later on.

No, I'll just maintain the sparcest of contact with her. It just angers me that she is such a manipulative cow and having failed with me she could have the cheek to start on my children! I might even sort through the post from now on and not give out any more letters. Or is that going too far?

I think that (not giving out letters) is going too far. IMO children are probably better at spotting fakery than adults a lot of the time, so I think just sticking to your guns, being determinedly Nice-with-a-capital-N and allowing letters and limited supervised contact will be the best policy in the long run. Not giving out letters (unless they start to turn seriously weird over time) is turning you into the scheming and devious one, which is probably just what she'd like.

Ok. I just saw red when dh took it out of the letter box. Her being all nicey and nicey and trying to get to my children! It's taking me all my self-control not to pick up the phone and scream at her, but I know this will make things worse.

Wish she'd fuck off though!

I would be incandescent with fury if my mother did this. I am in a similar-ish position, as you know. This sort of behaviour is sly, insidious, low.....GRRRR!! I don't know what you should do. I know it would drive me potty though... and it's just the sort of thing mine would do. I think as mine get older I am going to be fairly frank with them about the fact that Grandma and Mummy have a very difficult relationship, that Grandma has done some things which have upset Mummy, and that we will not be seeing very much of her - but that she is still their Grandma and they should not feel guilty about missing her or enjoying whatever contact they wish to, when they are old enough to do it without me - I don't know, I haven't worked it all out yet

Rhubarb,

I would describe your Mother as a toxic parent.

She's trying to get at you via your children now.

Have you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. This gives much insight into how and why such people operate the way they do.

I've just read this It's very good.

Think I'll have to get that book and pass it round the family then!