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Relationships

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Original poster

If your DP said he didn't think sex was important, could you stay with him?

21 replies

Beyondconfused · 19/04/2012 22:40

I'm this topic has been done to death but I just need some thoughts on the subject.
Quick background, have been with DP off/on for 5 years, we have an 18month old DD. Our relationship had some problems before (sex, lack of), but since DD has come along our relationship is non exisitent, no sex for over 2 years, slept in separate beds, don't do anything together, he works all 6 days a week, I look after dd.

To cut a long story short, I don't think I love him anymore. There is nothing that makes us feel like a relationship. We are just friends/flatmates.

Tonight, we actually had a decent talk (without arguing or saying hurtful things). I said I think we should separate, he doesn't want this, says we should stay together for the sake of DD, not quit, work on things slowly . I said that we have no sexual relationship at all and I can't see us ever having one again and how I resent him for us not having much of a sexual relationship for a lot of our relationship (even at the start). He has always refused to really discuss this issue. Tonight though he said he "doesn't think sex is very important".

However, I do. Without a sexual connection, closness, intimacy etc, then surely you are just friends. If I knew we had that connection, before the baby, then I know we could work on things, try and work on the negative parts of the relationship etc. But we didn't have that. It was an issue pre-dd.

Is it a deal breaker if one of you is happy not having much of a sexual relationship, but the other person needs that sexual part to have a fullfilling relationship?

I'm quite new to Mumsnet and I've read so many horror stories on here about some awful men. My DP is a decent, kind, hardworking guy, reliable etc....but we are not compatible on many levels and he feels like a brother to me now. If this was you would you end the relationship even though you had a dd and are a SAHM and would have to go on benefits for awhile?

OP posts:

EvenBetter · 19/04/2012 23:05

Aww, :(
I agree that a celibate relationship is just a flatmate set up, though some people do it but I don't understand it..
It's good that yous were able to talk about it but it sounds like you both have opposite feelings about sex and neither is going to change?
You may well have to be prepared for a lifetime of no/minimal sex in the hope he'll start to find it an important part of your relationship, you could try counselling?
Staying together only 'for the sake of the kids' is never a good idea, if that and a spell on benefits is the only thing stopping you leaving and starting a new life, it's nothing to be scared of, I'm the daughter of a single mother who went through sheer hell and I have nothing but pride and awe and adoration for her! :)
Whatever decision you make will effect the rest of your life, it's up to you-put up with it, hope he'll change, counselling, or leave the relationship?

Someone with better advice than me will be along soon!

BelleDameSansMerci · 19/04/2012 23:07

I'm sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me...

hhhhhhh · 19/04/2012 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey1500 · 19/04/2012 23:11

At this stage in mine and DH's lives it wouldn't be a big deal. Married for yonks, both getting on a bit, age catching up etc. But that's just us. It would have mattered years ago. You've got to go with your gut instinct I think and it's telling you that it matters to you. And that's what's important. For me, I'm with my auld bugger for life, sex or no sex.

Cherriesarelovely · 19/04/2012 23:13

I would find it very difficult to cope with this sort of situation. I agree with you that having that chemistry between yourself and your partner is very important. I adore my DP but I wouldn't want us just to be friends, actually I don't think I could stay with her if she felt like that.

scarletforya · 19/04/2012 23:29

Deal breaker and I think it's very sneaky of him to have failed to disclose this in the early stages. It's manipulative of him to hide this fact until after you have committed to him. He's tricked you into a celibate ' relationship' which I think is emotional fraud.

carernotasaint · 19/04/2012 23:52

Agree with scarlet 100%! OP if you type "sexless marriages" into the mumsnet talk engine you will find many of my posts describing my own sexless marriage of 16 years.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 23:55

If you are both not bothered about sex then great!

But you want sex and why are you in separate beds? That makes you flat mates and not just a relationship without sex.

I would want sex too, and would feel like I want someone that wants me and wants to make me feel special and enjoy sex with me.

MissCeliaFoote · 19/04/2012 23:57

I think it's a massive deal-breaker, I'm really sorry :( He may be decent, kind, hard-working, but you could find a man who was all those things AND enjoyed sex.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life without having sex?

BertieBotts · 20/04/2012 00:43

Is it a deal breaker if one of you is happy not having much of a sexual relationship, but the other person needs that sexual part to have a fullfilling relationship?

Yes, IMO it probably is. I don't think that lack of sex is an issue in itself (I used to post on a forum about asexuality and people on there certainly had happy, fulfilling relationships without sex) but the fact that you're both wanting such different things.

Conflugenglugen · 20/04/2012 07:40

Yes, to me it sounds like a deal-breaker, OP. Staying together solely "for the children" seems unthinkable to me in the circumstances you cite. Not only that, but children who grow up in such an arrangement absolutely know it, whether consciously or not, and that can be deeply damaging.

I would leave.

Atreegrowsinbrooklyn · 20/04/2012 07:45

He'd think sex was important if you starting having it with somebody else...

For me, the only important question was.." If how things are right now are as good as they will ever be, can I live like this until death do us part?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2012 09:00

I'm always suspicious of people that claim to require zero sex. I knew two couples where Mr No Sex turned out to be gay... and one where he was getting it elsewhere. Even if you take actually 'sex' out of the equation, intimacy is a vital part of a marital relationship IMHO and for it to be dispensed with so early on, I'd think that was the end of the road.

TheSecondComing · 20/04/2012 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trikken · 20/04/2012 09:09

It would be a dealbreaker for me too im afraid. I need that closeness and affection.

DinahMoHum · 20/04/2012 09:13

dont let him emotionally blackmail you into staying with him when he isnt even interested in you sexually. He cant reasonably expect you to live like that

toysintheattic · 20/04/2012 10:37

Agree 100% with scarlet, 6 months after we got married my H told me that he wasn't that interested in sex and never had been (while having sex no less!); 6 years and one DS later we have separated. He still cannot understand why I feel that I was lied to, despite living together for 3 years before getting married he completely failed to mention that, I feel like he married me to convince his family that he wasn't gay and to have children. Well thanks a lot, just completely disregarding me in his selfish pursuits. Am obv happy that I have DS but of course he is now having to deal with his parents splitting up.

Over the 6 years of our marriage I did try to manage and stuffed my feelings way down. We tried some counselling but he still seems unwilling to deal with his sexual issues. I can say from the other, separated side, that things are way better now. Still not having sex but I am living life on my own terms now and the feeling of freedom is amazing. I'd say if your H can look at his issues then maybe you have a chance. If not, don't compromise who you are, it's just not worth it....as I am now discovering!

WhiteShores · 20/04/2012 14:10

I've wondered myself how I would cope if DH became unable to have sex and/or lost his interest (both a real possibility due to medical conditions).

I'm a very tactile and sexual person myself and its a big part of how I express love and feel loved, so I know I would find it extremely hard no matter how good the rest of the relationship is.

However, I think I could manage if we had no sex but kept the physical intimacy. And by that, I mean sleeping in the same bed, snuggling, cuddling, stroking, kissing, holding hands etc.

Are you able to get any of that from your partner, and would you feel better if you did? Because none of those actions have to lead to sex, nor even require a sexual drive, just love and intimacy.

oldwomaninashoe · 20/04/2012 14:16

Has he had previous long term relationships and had an active sex life within them?

ENormaSnob · 20/04/2012 14:19

Deal breaker for me too.

Original poster

Beyondconfused · 20/04/2012 22:27

Evenbetter - That's great that even though your Mum brought you up alone you have a fantastic relationship with her. Alas, DP refuses point blank to go to counselling.

beachblue - it sounds like your relationship has enough great qualities to make you put up with the lack of sex, I'm sorry for you though that you do get frustrated about it. But it sounds like you have lots of intimacy in other ways so that is something. I don't have that with my DP anymore. To be fair to him, he has tried to be affectionate since our DD was born, but I have lots of resentment towards him for other issues so feel not affection anymore. But he has tried for sure. He must have felt very rejected.

Sex has always been as issue for us. Even at the start. There were erection problems from the start and he thought I was very sexual compared to him. He actually told me early on that he thought I treated sex like a sport (trust me, I am a normal vanilla type woman with a normal healthy sex drive, nothing unusual or kinky, just bog standard). He seemed to have a very prudish attitude to sex and didnt' like it at all if on occasion I tried to show him the way to turn me on.

He told me his ex wife and he didn't have sex for years as she was depressed. I actually think now that maybe it was him. However, he told me early on he'd never fancied anyone as much as me. BUT, he has mild OCD, and I'm wondering if that causes hiim problems.

OP posts:

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