I've decided I'm a useless mum!

[Bluetitsarecold]

I'm just so sick of having to deal with my drama queen #2 daughter. For years it feels like the family has revolved to her needs, her wants, and her "issues". And I'm sick and tired and weary to the bone of the whole situation. Don't have favourites, they tell you that again and again. But I do, #1, 3rd year at university, takes up about 1% of the mental energy of #2. When #1 phones I'm pleased and I LIKE to hear her news. When #2 phones. 1st year at a different uni, I sit there just waiting for the latest crisis. Nothing is ever simple, straightforward or according to what was agreed before. She thinks that her dad and I have nothing better to do with our lives than sort out her mess. Sometimes I just want to scream down the phone at her to shut up and go away. Sort out your own problems.

Not too sure how to start...

was your daughter always like that? Always wanting support and help with everything? Did anything happen to trigger such behaviour?

I don't think you're useless all people are different hard to say with no background info but can you either have a chat to your daughter and find out why she finds it hard to cope on her own? or tell her in a nice way that she's an adult and should start facing problems as an adult...

My parents still sort out my brothers problems and he's almost 30! he just takes advantage of them but they don't seam to care... They just pick up all his shit after him which is not doing anyone any favours...
I can't say if your daughter does it on purpose cos she can't be bothered or maybe she really can't cope, whatever is the answer I think you shouldn't be sorting her problems out, you can support her but she has to do the hard work herself..

Not sure if that's helpful at all, it just sounded like a situation is simmilar to what my parents have going on too...

Stop sorting out her mess then.

Just say, so sorry dear, I'm sure you can sort it out. Bye now.

ditto

Absolutely stop sorting out her problems. Hard though - she will tantrum and tantrum - could you ignore this? It would be much the best or her, if you could do it. She really needs you to stop putting up with her crap! - because he needs to become an ADULT

For goodness sake - this poor little girl needs to grow up. She needs a proper parent to MAKE her grow up

Think on OP

I think some kids are programmed like this and as a mum, you have, when she was younger at least, been programmed to step in and help.

Next time she's home, could you have a frank discussion with her? (perhaps not as frank as this anonymous post!) and tell her she can't just dump her problems on you. She needs to start prioritising what's really important that she definitely needs your help with, from the whingeing.

No two kids are going to be the same. Just because one of your children is confident, intelligent and appears to be breezing through life without any cares, does not mean that your other child should be, or is able, to do the same.

I think I made the problem which is why I said that I'm the useless mum. #2 has outperformed her elder sister in exam results but everything was such hard work FOR US. What subjects for AS, which one to drop, what course at uni was just such a saga with #2. It felt like a 7 day a week soap opera. #1 would just say "I'm thinking of taking a, b, c and d. What to you think" Total time about a day instead of what felt like months. I'm cross with ME that I didn't do exactly what people here have suggested. Its going to have to be "So sorry dear, I'm sure you can sort it out. Bye now."

I think you are being a tiny bit unfair. A child choosing AS level subjects, well you've got one easy child who doesn't have any doubts and takes a day, but that's very unusual. Not everyone is cool, calm and collected aged 17 and I think the constant comparisons are not helping. I have one like this, and it's easy to think everything is ok with this child. It's taken me a while to realise that this rather unemotional surface is actually hiding a lot away. There's no 'perfect' child, and your dd1 won't be one either.

I do agree with everyone that backing off and staying calm yourself, and trying not to get too involved, is the best strategy. And please don't think I'm unsympathetic, I am, it's wearing being around a more dramatic child (I also have one of those). I do agree you have to distance yourself for a bit, and not be jumping in everytime they get themselves into difficulties or start acting out. BUT, she is still quite young and not maturing particularly fast, I don't think it's reasonable to expect adult maturity from her. And going to university will give you a bit of distance- keep your eyes on this prize!

She is getting a payoff.

What is the payoff?

Once you have identified it, what can you and DH do to reduce the payoff?

Also, ask other D what she thinks, how she sees it and what she thinks you should change. Siblings are surprisingly perceptive about what the solution is, having lived it at the coal face.

This is also really, really helpful to get any hidden issues or resentments to the surface. (DS2 once had a two HOUR on the verge of tears rant about how he came second, DS1 was golden, he got so much praise, ... when we thought he had calmed down, he would think about something else and start up again. It was NOT a tantrum, it was from a deep well of pain and loneliness and pain. BECAUSE we took him seriously, and listened, and didn't try and shut him down, and gave him a cuddle at the end, he has never brought it up again. The only change we have made is being aware of it, and making sure we praise him too. That's it).

My mother thought I was a "drama queen" because I didn't just follow everything she wanted me to do, like my older sister did. I had serious problems, very serious, and any normal mother would have seen that, but instead she chose to treat me the way you treat your daughter - she would solve my obvious problems for me but would never actually ask what was going on behind it all. I did eventually tell her what was going on, and she didn't care. So now she doesn't have my dramas any more and I suppose that makes her happy. She doesn't really have a second daughter any more either, but I don't think that bothers her much. It does bother me that I don't have a mother any more but I have to live it.

Live with it.

When I was severely depressed my mother went on and on about helping to pay my rent, how worried I was about my rent, how high my rent was. I suppose she told her friends about how much of a drama I was making out of my rent and how she always had to help me with these things. I mentioned my rent once, and never asked for help. Focusing on the rent was her way of avoiding actually helping me with what was really going on.

Sounds to me like you have a dd who feels close enough to you to want to discuss her life with you. Surely a cause for celebration? Does she want you to solve all her probs or does that come from you? Do you feel like youneed to take charge and fix things when all she wants is to chat? What's so bad about wanting to take time to talk through a big life choice like a uni course with your mum?

I told you I was useless. Of course I should be pleased that #2 wants to discuss things with me. If it were only discuss it would be OK but every issue seems to drag on for ever. Major, minor or trivial issues it doesn't seem to matter. They all beome a long running sagas when most of the time the decision she makes doesn't matter much, or at all, either way. Sometimes I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer number of issues of hers I know about that the ones that matter get drowned in trivia. But I am going to speak to #1 for just the reasons people here have mentioned. What worries me the most is that one day I really would be able to help #2 but her urgent messages will have been ignored by because of what went before. The girl who cried wolf?

She sounds like my exMIL.

It's all about her problems and he does go on and on and on. It's always the same ones too.

Maybe such people use others to think, but it's not nice for the listeners.

Do you get a word in?
Does she want to talk about you?

One way might be to divert the conversation away from her and mention your problems. :)

Tell her what you think OP. If my mother had been honest and said "Look I'm not interested" it would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. I wouldn't have wasted years hoping she might start caring some day. In the end when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her what was going on with me, she just told me to get over it. Finally I knew she just wasn't bothered. She wanted a child who didn't give her any trouble and I wasn't that child.

I just thought that I would let readers know that I used the tactics suggested by posters here and it had made things very much better. I really think it was a bad habit that we had both got into and I'm sure that breaking the habit has made us both feel happier.

Not all children are alike. Some are well behaved and others are attention seekers. But you are the parent and hence its your responsibility to take care of them. So spend that extra energy to deal with her issues.

OMG - its been two years since I posted this. Where has the time gone? Well DD#2 is about, finger crossed, to graduate. That is the good news. The better news is that she has made a real effort to stop being such a drama queen and her success has meant that her relationship with the rest of the family has improved a lot.

Be grateful she calls you and shares her news