Weird incident with stepmother

[Flyonthewindscreen]

This is something that happened a few weeks ago but am still mulling over it and finding it weird and would like some opinions please.

My stepmother married my dad when I was an adult so didn't bring me up and I think of her as my DF's DW iykwim. They are both 77, very active and busy and live a 2 hour drive away from me and my family. I have on the surface a cordial relationship with her but have always had a lot of ishoos with her under the surface. I can't bear her, she is very manipulative, always twists things so that she is the martyr and other people in the wrong. My DF is completely under her thumb but seems very happy with the situation.

So the incident in question started when I phoned my DF, he seemed his usual self but told me there was some bad news, my stepsister's MIL was in hospital and very ill. The next day I found a message on my mobile, it was my DF saying had he told me about stepsister's MIL, he couldn't remember if he had. Then I got a call from SM, she said she was worried about my DF's memory, particularly that he had forgotten/was unsure whether he had told me about stepsis's MIL but that generally he didn't remember things she told him, that I should tell her information because he would forget to tell her and that it was a good job I was coming to visit in a few days as we needed to talk. I was very shocked as I see my DF every 6-8 weeks and talk 1-2 times a week and had not noticed any problem with him.

So I spent the next few days worried sick, googling dementia/memory loss and generally thinking worse case scenarios. When I went with my DC to visit for the day I was monitoring my DF's every word and action to see what was going on. After a while I started feeling bemused, DF was the same as ever. The whole day I didn't notice him forget anything, repeat himself or do anything that seemed out of character. I didn't really get to talk to SM alone at first as lots of her family were there but later on when we did have the chance to speak she didn't mention anything about her concerns, seemed in very good spirits and I didn't as was feeling quite bewildered at this point by the discrepancy between SM's version of my DF and the reality.

So a few weeks on, SM has not mentioned anything further about my DF's "problem" and I have had a number of conversations with him in which he seems completely on the ball. And I'm still wondering WTAF and would value any MN opinions.

What did you say (in response) when DF told you about stepsisters MIL?

My first thought is that stepmother has questioned him about it and he couldn't remember your reply/if he'd told you, she's gone into one and that precipitated the text and phonecall. This is only pure speculation of course but could that be the case?

Sandyboots, yes it was the conversation about stepsis' MIL that started the whole thing. I said "what a shame, how awful", I do know stepsis's MIL, albeit fairly distantly and was genuinely shocked to hear about her. At first I was shocked he couldn't remember whether he had told me or not but in retrospect I can imagine SM going on at DF "did you tell, Kamer, are you sure, what did you say, did you tell how bad it as, what did she say, what did she say exactly..." on and on until anyone could get in a muddle.

my completely wild stab in the dark would be stepmum has gone into one that you haven't got mega engaged in the big drama/rushed round or whatever else (insert whatever tf you are meant to have done in her world) and so quizzed DF a lot about it and then he's got confused whether he told you or thought he'd better text you again to make sure he'd told you, and then she's rung you to check you've heard. Does that sound feasible?

basically she sounds like a bit of a pain but if your dad seems otherwise okay and nothing else been mentioned then try not to worry for now and just see how he goes?

My Dad is a bit like this. He is on quite a lot of medication and often has a bad night's sleep all of which affect him and how on the ball he is. He can get a bit confused and forgetful one day and be as sharp as a stanley knife the next. I think it is just the ageing process fecking with us.

Do you think your Stepmama is attempting to exert control over your DF? I would have an open mind and take note of any further similar incidences. Have you siblings to compare notes with? Might be useful to get another perspective.

Sandyboots, yes I can imagine SM getting annoyed that I hadn't reacted in whatever way I was supposed to in the drama of the distant step inlaws illness. It is probably one of my major flaws as far as she is concerned that I am not present/involved enough in "The family's" aka her family's doings.

Convict224, SM already has plenty of control over my DF. I felt her comments about giving information direct to her as DF "won't remember" a further bit of control freakery if there is actually no problem with his memory. I don't have any siblings to compare notes with unfortunately. My DH's perspective is that SM goes on at DF so constantly he probably stops listening to her, rather than hears and then forgets. I will keep an open mind tho' and am looking out for anything he does that seems out of character now.