Stuck in a relationship rut.

[frownieface]

How do I/we get out of it?

Me and dp have been together for 3 years and for the past 6 months I feel as though we are drifting apart. We do not argue that much (only in the kitchen where we both think we are right).

We have not had sex in months, not been out for a meal in well that has to be about 18 months, and have not been away together for 2 years. We are affectionate in other ways - hand holding, cuddling, kissing.

Our routine at the moment involves going to work, coming home, watching tv, cooking dinner (I say cooking I mean chucking stuff in the oven), watching more tv, I will go to bed, he will fall asleep in 'his chair' and come to bed at 3-4 in the morning. There is no passion anymore. We used to be hot 'n' heavy now we act like our parents.

I really want to explode sometimes and break up, especially in that time at about 4am when everything is the end of the world. I love him I really do but I find it so hard to initiate 'that' conversation where I say that we need to change.

Any advice?

Book a meal out for tomorrow or Saturday evening and see where the conversation takes you.

Cant I am working

I have to say I have felt like this in the past but relished it was me not dh. I had to kick myself up the arse and make time for him and us. Not saying everything's perfect but I remember the minister who married us, one of the 1st things he said is there will be bad times, but when you have them, remember why you are here today and that's what I do.

It might not work for you, I don't know but surely worth giving it a try.

So when can you book some time together?

Revised opinion: Book a meal out for the pair of you at the earliest opportunity you can spend an evening together and see where the conversation takes you.

Alternatively, the next time you are home together pour the or make a [cuppa], switch the tv off, and talk to your dp about anything and everything.

At the moment I fell as though 'well if he doesn't bother why should I' do men like being stuck in a rut?

I feel like he is happy doing what we are doing, he does not complain.

He may not be complaining but you are and you should be addressing your complaints to him, otherwise nothing will change until you wake up one fine morning and decide to vote with your feet.

Turn the tv off and revive the art of conversation over one of your ready meals.

you feel he is happy but you won't know until you talk to him. Agree about turning the TV off and spending some time together - actually talking. What are your weekends like? Do you go out and do activities or go to places together or do you sit around at home?

Sometimes even something like a games night where you have a bottle of wine, some candles and a game of snap (to get you laughing again) or strip poker (to get you intimate again) can liven things up. Its easy to slip into a rut when you don't put effort in but relationships need nurturing and when things start to feel repetitive thats a good time to go for a camping weekend or mini break or for a bike ride (whatever you like doing) to have some "us" time away from day to day stresses.

Well one of you has to make the first move. Just cos he doesn't complain doesn't mean he's happy.

You say that you want to explode sometimes, but do you? Does he know you're unhappy? I don;t just mean well things aren;'t right so he should know - he's not a mind reader.

You have to do something here, no one is going to wave a magic wand and make it all better. This is how relationships end. Nobody can sustain that hot passion that you get at the start of a relationship - life gets in the way, the car needs fixing, he washing machine breaks, the dog gets worms etc etc etc.

In the early days you would have made time for each other, well you still have to do that. So stop making excuses and do somehing - unless of course you do want it to be over and you want to be able to blame him.

I concur, ifeelloved. One of you has to make the first move, and if you're feeling down/angry/annoyed enough by the situation to post it on MN, then it might as well be you. Sometimes I find myself saying "I miss you" to DH, even though we've not had any time apart. Time in each others' presence is not the same as time in each others' company - you have to make time for each other. Go out, stay in, watch a film (together, not just leaving the TV on), play a game, go for a walk, but whatever you do, TALK to each other.

Do you have children?

It doesn't seem a very interesting way to live and I wouldn't be surprised if he was bored, too.

What would he say if you said, "We're living like old people. I want us to go out and plan holidays and have fun. I don't want you to go to sleep in the chair; I want you to come to bed with me and sleep there. I want us to get our sex life up and running again. Now are you with me or not?"

How's it going frownie?

You say he doesn't complain.

Do you? (here doesn't count)

Wow it has been a month since I started this and well... it's not so good I did air my feelings and things changed for about a week and then boom back to normal. I cant live like this anymore I will be 27 soon and I fear that I am letting myself just drift along in my life and I am scared that I will wake up in 20 years time and will not have done anything.

Anyway I think the turning point was last night when I asked if he wanted to come to bed, 'no I'm not tired' I replied 'I wasn't thinking about sleeping' an awkward silence followed and I ended up in bed alone again. I cried my self to sleep, is it really the end .

No children just a couple of dogs that neither of us can look after on our own.

Oh dear I am in a similar situation. It is very difficult, epecially when you have invested all these years in the relationship, I am mentally giving myself and DP, 6 months and if it doesn't improve then I will just put it down to growing apart and refuse to beat myself up about it.
Good luck