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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I help my sister/nephew?

17 replies

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:04

My sister has always been selfish, lazy and self centred ever since my nephew 2.5 was born she has became even worse. She asks people to babysit as often as she can for example for the last 8 days she has only seen him when she has been picking him up from somebody and dropping him off to someone else despite the fact that she doesn?t work. She has a massive amount of support but it?s never enough, she was only with the dad for a couple of months when she got pregnant and split up with him shortly after but he takes him from dinner time on a Saturday till dinner time on a Sunday every week and one night during the week for a few hours. His mum also takes him at least once a week.
She has a new boyfriend that she has been with since just after the baby was born ? they don?t live together but he is fantastic with him. He keeps him at his house once a week, his sister and mum also help her when she needs it.
My mum works full time but picks him up after work if my sister has him, even if he?s been away all day, my mum does all her washing and ironing cooks her meals and does her shopping for her and pays for it! My mum and dad are constantly arguing about it as he thinks my mum has enough to do never mind everything she does for my sister. The worst of it is she never appreciates any of it, she is always moaning how difficult her life is, how she never gets any help. She always says her son is a pain in the arse, he does her head in, she can?t be bothered with him etc.
He can only say about 5 words, he only eats crisps, chips, chocolate mousse, and cheerios apparently but when I told her he tried other food with me the answer I got was you keep him then if you are such a good mum, she doesn?t strap him in when hes in her car as he cries!! Anytime she has him she just leaves him to do what he wants resulting in him having several accidents and with him letting him self out her house and going missing once. Every time anybody tries to give her advice or speak to her she just snaps at them and won?t speak to them until she needs a babysitter. Any time I try to speak to my mum I just get told she?s on her own and needs support.
The last time I babysat for her I ended up with him for 3 days and I had to phone in sick to work because she hadn?t turned up to get him when she finally did she just said she deserved a break!! No apology or nothing I don?t know what to do anymore, it breaks my heart that she doesn?t seem to love and cherish that gorgeous little boy and want to spend as much time as she can with him. I don?t understand why she doesn?t see how lucky she is. I am constantly worried sick about him but don?t know what to do, I genuinely think she thinks she's a great mum as she is always slagging off other people and making comments about them not spending time with there kids etc.

Sorry this is so long and and for any typos/lack of punctuation I am posting from my phone.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 19/04/2012 14:09

Has she been like that from when he was a baby if so it might be possible she has PND and its still carrying on.

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:30

Yes she has. I have thought that myself sometimes but if it is how can I help?

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margoandjerry · 19/04/2012 14:33

this doesn't sound right. I don't have much advice but not turning up for three days is just all wrong. She doesn't seem to be owning her role as a mother and is being enabled by your mother to carry on like this.

I honestly don't know what to advise but wanted to post to say I think your feeelings about this are right. Hope you get some better advice soon.

grograg · 19/04/2012 14:40

I'm sorry but i would have to sit her down and tell her what an idiot she is acting like, Her poor baby boy being shoved from pillar to post, he needs to be in a stable routine and feel wanted by his mum, even if she does have PND then she needs to pull her finger out and ask for help from the right people. From what you have said she sounds very lazy, How old is she? Not that it matters but i'm wondering if she is very very young?? and maybe regrets having a baby so young?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/04/2012 14:40

You can't help by yourself, it has to be a team effort between you & your parents. Your dad has seen right through the little game i.e. all the time everyone is 'helping' it's simply enabling your sister to be a real life Denise Royle and avoid taking responsibility for herself and her family. She needs guidance, certainly, but people can't treat her like a child and expect her to behave like an adult.

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:42

Thanks dotty and margo I guess I always thought it would get better as he got older but it's getting worse, it seems the more help and babysitting she gets the more she wants. Margo leaving him for 3 days is quite common and it's well know if you have him overnight it can be 3 days before she picks him up but the fact that she knew I had work to go to just added fuel to the fire.

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ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:44

Gro she is 24 she was 22 when she had him

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puds11 · 19/04/2012 14:46

Definately sounds like she is struggeling to cope with being a mum. Did she have a choice in regards to having your DN?
Is your DN withdrawn etc.?

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:47

Cogito me and my dad and other family members have tried to speak to my mum as we don't think she is doing her any favours but we always get the same line, she's on her own she needs help! Sad

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ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:50

Puds she planned to get pregnant if that's what you mean? He doesn't really talk but he is happy enough when he is staying at other peoples houses. Although he always cries when she comes to collect him - he is only happy to go if her boyfriend is there

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puds11 · 19/04/2012 14:55

I was wondering if maybe it was something unplanned and unwanted, but obviously not.
Your poor little DN! I agree that something definately needs to be done. Was it an implusive decision to have a baby? Could it have been that she thought it would be great fun to have one, but the reality is completely different?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/04/2012 14:56

This could be a case for Social Services. Child neglect is horrible. He has some loving relatives that he could quite easily stay with on a permanent basis so it could be time to start thinking about other options for him. Maybe if you put that to her it would give her the kick up the bum she needs to start looking after him?

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 14:58

Sorry doing the school run will be back soon thanks for all the replies so far

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PlinkPaSta · 19/04/2012 15:04

I don't think age is anything to do with it.

She sounds like she hasn't bonded with him, pnd can make it difficult to bond. She'll be acting worse if she feels everyone is getting at her, even if they aren't.

Trying to get her to talk about if she feels depressed and supporting her in going to gp's would be good. Helping her with bonding, positively, not doing it for her but with her might be helpful.

cestlavielife · 19/04/2012 15:37

next time she leaves him with you make an appt with health visitor for him - just say is to check development his language etc see if needs referral (he probably doesnt but you can use that as reason and may put your mind at rest re growth etc given his diet ).

send her text msg invitng her to the appt too - and attend with her.
if she doesnt appear take him on your own and explain everything to hv.
then is up to hv what should be done next.

if your sister isnt able to care for him properly full time would his father have him full time with just visits to mum ie your sister ? any reason why he should not be resident with dad and mum has regular contact?

ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 17:59

Puds it was definitely an impulse decision as her and the father weren't together for long and he has made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. She has also admitted it was because she was jealous of my "perfect" life.

Cogito she definitely needs a kick up the bum

PP I don't think age is an excuse either I was younger than her when I had my son. I have tried talking to her but she just blames everybody else, I have also tried encouraging her to spend time with him doing fun things like swimming, parks etc sometimes she will agree to go but she always steps back and leaves me to play and supervise him.

Cest I have at time taken him to appointments and check ups for her maybe that would be an idea.

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ToxicToria · 19/04/2012 18:00

Oh and thanks for all the replies I really appreciate them all.

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