Dear DH
I love you, but I think our marriage is in trouble. We are more like friends/room mates than husband & wife. I met up and slept with an ex today sad. I know this isn't how to fix things. I feel like I'm drowning and crying out for help and it seems you're just ignoring me
Dear P
I had a fabulous time today, wish we had never broken up. I know we'll never be together.
I'm a bitch
This was originally posted in the 'letters you'll never write' thread in Chat, Ive aske MNHQ to delete my original as Ive just realised DH lurks on MN & knows my old username (which Im going to go back to after I get this out). Its going to be long, and Im just wanting to write it all down and get it off my chest. For obvious reasons, I cant speak to anyone in RL. The posters who commented on the other thread, thank you for reading & posting back - made me 
. This post is probably going to make very little sense.
Basically, what I wrote above. DH and I have not been so close after DD (13m) birth last year (we also have 4yo DS). I got chatting to an ex (also married, but no DC) of mine thru 'Hanging with Friends' - we're FB friends, but didnt really 'speak' iyswim. There was a lot of shit going on when we were dating, and our break up was horrid, but I always thought we'd moved on.
Anyway, we were chatting away, and the subject of our relationship came up. We discussed it & the breakup (which was about 7-8yrs ago) and we both wished it hadnt happened that way. We got past this, with many apologies for bad behaviour (we were only 22 & 24), and the chat started getting a wee bit flirty.
(I should mention that, even though we met in our home town, we both live in a totally different city now, and I walked into his workplace (and him) without realising he lived here. It kind of began then.)
The messages started getting a bit dirty, and we were texting and emailing each other as well, complete with pictures.
We met up yesterday (in the city I went to Uni in), booked into a hotel and slept together - it was amazing! It felt so right. I realise this does not make what we did right.
We were chatting away together as if everything was just as it should be (clearly it wasnt as were were naked together, not with our respective spouses). We have made plans to meet again, and I really want to, but I know deep down not to go there. My head is all over the place and I just want to burst into tears. I think I still love Dh, but also P - he has always had a special place in my heart, and I would do anything for him.
DH doesnt seem to realise that I'm not coping with 2 small children, a house and WOTH in the evenings. Ive tried talking to him before now, but he just says 'We chose this life, get on with it'. I used to be a fun, happy person, but now I just feel worn down, tired & miserable. Being with P yesterday, made me remember what kind of person I used to be.
I love my DC to bits, and would happily kill for them, but I feel so lost, so miserable and so down right now.
Dh thinks this is all part & parcel of having 2 small children, and as we are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck at the moment, its going to be hard.
What do I do? Where do I go from here? I just want to run away from everything What a mess I've made.
If you've manage to read this, thank you - its very long and 'poor me', and I know people have far worse problems than this.