Please tell me how to deep clean my brain.

[SarahStratton]

I cut off all contact months ago. I've not seen him since last August. I know he is a cunt of the highest order. I know he's bad, that I would be the world's biggest fool.

But it's like he's haunting me. I dream of him constantly. Not rude dreams, just of ordinary daily life, but with him.

It's nearly 20 years now, I really, really need to get him out of my head so I can properly move on. I know this is pathetic and trivial compared to everything else on this board, but it really is like being haunted, and I need it to stop.

Just give me a massive kick up the arse please. :(

. Sure you wouldn't rather have a lovely, soothing stroke of the arse instead? Here >>>>>>

Can't actually be helpful, because my exH still pops into my head - not for any regretful reasons, just to keep nicely reminding me of all the money he stole, the physical pushing around, the lies, the fraud... etc.

It might be the feeling of mistrusting yourself not to find another idiot, iyswim? I often wonder how I could have been such a moron, when generally I'm considered to be bright, determined, sensible and nice. Can you not remind yourself of all you've learned?

Actually, that sounds like feeble advice even to me, so have another bottom stroke instead.

Lol. No this isn't XH, I have no regrets with him, apart from not getting rid sooner.

This is MrWrong, an absolute arsewipe. My conscious is fully aware that he is such, my subconscious is not, however, playing ball. And I can't move on.

Ah, you mean this is someone you have thought of for over 20 years, but actually turned out not to be very nice? In which case, I'm not surprised your subconscious has some catching up to do; it takes a while to assimilate that your 'ideal' is nothing of the sort.

Try imagining him ensconced on your sofa for hours (while you're hoovering, say), belching at snooker or the like on the television and scratching his arse.

Or deep cleaning his nostrils perhaps.

Tell us why is he Mr Wrong? Could your subconscious be trying to tell you that you are wrong about him? [doesn't know backstory emote]

Backstory:

We met when we were both still married to other people. Classic coupe de foudre, instant mutual incredibly intense attraction, which has never gone away for either of us. Both marriages crap, his wife wouldn't have sex and used to boast about it to all and sundry, enjoyed humiliating him. No excuse, I know. 2 years later, brief affair. Came to senses, moved away and cut contact.

Never forgot him, never stopped loving him.

Early last he tracked me down and got in contact. Had divorced and looked for me. Mutual friend knew but didn't tell him, hooked him up with another friend of hers (who was the spit of me). Encouraged him to forget me, they married. Had all that confirmed by another friend who socialised with them.

Marriage not a success. Asked for divorce. Wife then had accident and is now disabled. Can't/won't leave, wouldn't want him to.

Met up with him both still felt same. Saw him a few times, refused to start EA. Refused to do anything whilst he is still married (see above). He asked me to move near him and be his mistress. Told him to fuck off.

Cut all contact ruthlessly. Nothing around to remind me. Can't get the fucker out of my head.

He is weak, unreliable, not particularly good looking, treated his wives appallingly (no DV though) and is no longer in contact with his DDs from his first marriage.

He is a shit and I need him out of my head. Particularly as I an aware that I still measure every man with him, which is ridiculous.

Oh and he has a tiny cock. Ridiculously small. Intelligent flashes of reasoning leave me thinking WTAF. Sadly, subconscious does not seemed to have cottoned on.

Oh I should add that prior to moving away I was abused and forced by XH, which resulted in pregnancy, an a breakdown and subsequent PND and overdose. I should have left him, I simply wasn't strong enough.

Oh yes you definitely need brain bleach then!!

@ your last reply there

and @ your second - call me shallow but I couldn't put up with just that one thing never mind the rest!

Hi Sarah. I do sympathise. I am not sure that anyone we have ever met gets completely out of our head (why its good to be choosy with loved ones I guess).

But I think if its an ongoing record-in-your-head that you would like to put more in perspective , seeing a good therapist about it might help speed the process up. Good luck.

What about one of those Karcher Jet washes advertised lately on the TV? Doesn't use much water either. (Only Kidding).

Like you Sarah I was hung up on Mr Wrong from my early 20's for a number of years until I went to relate for a good old "off load" - it did wonders.

I had a situation for years that I couldn't get out of my head.

I found hypnotherapy very helpful.

HTH.

So therapy then? I must admit I hadn't thought of that. I can generally cope pretty well, I've done a lot of growing up since, plus I've learnt a hell of a lot from here, but this is ludicrous and a know it is.

Stratters - the getting them out of your brain is the hardest thing ever.

Or apparently, not sure how good it is, Paul Mckenna does a tape for exactly this (friend watched him on TV a while ago hypnotising someone with a chocolate addiction, friend hasn't touched it since!).

He helps you conjure up all manner of horrid associations etc.

You never know, why not try it.

There is also the weird wistful part of us that compares - and if you had an abusive relationship this man will probably look like a prince beside me. Not sure what to recommend - therapy definitely, as there is probably stuff in your childhood that makes the thought of this man comforting in some way. Maybe actively think about what life would be like with him. Dont chase it away. Go into gory detail about how grim it would be. Might do the trick!

Me?? Him I mean!

Do you know all this to be true Sarah? I don't see how anyone can know the state of someone's marriage apart from the people that are in them and this bloke sounds awful - and a shocking liar. Having an affair with you while you were married to a violent and abusive man was putting you at terrible risk, so he sounds appallingly selfish. Therefore I'd take with a pinch of salt this story about him being unhappy and on the point of divorce from your doppelganger, until he was 'trapped' as her carer. What a complete shit. He sounds far too selfish to stay in a relationship that is over - there must be a lot more in it for him than he is admitting to. I just don't believe that he married a woman just because she looked like you, either. It sounds like romantic bollocks.

I just can't get my head around still being hung up on someone who is this awful and with whom the sex was unsatisfying. I think good sex can blind people to lots of faults, but by the sounds of things you didn't even have that?

So, unlikely as it seems from the impression I've got of you, I think you're a bit of a romance junkie on the quiet.

It sounds like you've believed a pack of lies for years and it's been keeping you warm. Some of that will be to do with your ego and some of it will be because you've harboured fantasies that you've always been his obsession. Based on what you've said that clearly isn't true and he's just a selfish opportunist who's only ever seen you as mistress material.

The best thing to do then is to see what you are to him more clearly. You know cognitively that he is a shit, but until you can let go of the image of yourself as his obsession, I don't think you're going to be able to delete him. This isn't about him - it's about you.

I know about the state of his first marriage as we were neighbours, and I also knew his then wife.

I know about the other stuff as I asked the mutual friend, and she confirmed that he had asked were I was on many occasions. I'd like to think that she was doing me a favour, as in the long run she was, but she introduced him to her friend. I dont really 'get' that bit tbh, it doesn't make much sense to me. She is remarkably similar looking to me, and even wears her hair the sane way as me. He was, and is, obsessed.

I agree about the lying etc, I know he's a complete shit, and he put me in a dreadful position - well we both did that.

I want him out of my head, I categorically do NOT want any form of relationship with him whatsoever, and I have no contact with him, to the extent of changing my mobile number.

I'm fine 90% of the time, but this sneaking into my head at night, every night is very unsettling and I need to stop myself.

Oh, sex was excellent. Despite his, ummm shortcomings. And I am thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed of what happened. I carried a lot of guilt for a long time, and probably that was partly why I stayed - to punish myself.

Life would be awful, I know I would never trust anyone like him. My head knows this during the day.

Stratters,

I don't have anything constructive to add, just wanted to wish you well. Have a (or ) on me.

I just can't get my head around still being hung up on someone who is this awful

Oh Hatty, I can't either. I can't understand why I can't get rid of him. Sadly our DC were the same age and he and I spent a lot of time together with them. So there is a large bank of fun time memories stored up in my head, and unfortunately those times were good. XH has never been interested in the DDs, and wasn't actually interested in me - I was a possession.

I know why it happened
I know how it happened
I know I would never want any part of it again

I just need to know how to erase him and all these bloody memories. DD1's early childhood is inextricably linked to him, nearly all my memories of things like parks, zoos, the cinema etc, include him and his children.

I do know he was, and still is an absolute cunt. :(

Cheers my, tbh I feel bad for bringing this shite here when so many people have real problems. I thought I had moved on, I started dating, I thought I was ready, and I have whinged about this so many times before. Obviously I was wrong and I want, need to sort this out.

I understand the bit about your memory of him being tied up with other happy recollections that you wouldn't want to forget. You're never going to be able to erase him from those memories and it would be worse if everything abut your children's childhood were tainted.

I'm just not getting obsession though. Obsessed with himself and his needs? Yes, very strongly.

It's not that strange that his wife looks like you is it? Some people have 'types' after all. Asking after you with mutual friends isn't that odd either.

Ask yourself why it's so important to you to believe he is obsessed with you? Why does it rankle that you might be wrong about that?

Umm I suppose because all those notes, flowers, phone messages telling me so would be lies. :(

He's not the only cunt, is he. I am too.