Don't know what to do

[Dunon]

Hi looking for some help,

Back Story First:

I've been DW for 4 yrs now and we have DD age 2, she works part time 2 days a week 8-5, I am a programmer and typically work 5 days a week 9-5.30 but at regular intervals through the year i have to work out side these hours and do alot more.

we've spilt the house work fairly between us, but i keep slipping in mine and struggling to catch up, DW has to pick up the slack which isn't fair to her, and she feels i never return the favor to her by picking up the slack if she falls behind. this has happened over the past 2 years. i've been coming home during my lunch breaks to try to catch up but if there is a problem at work i can't leave,

We fall out over me slipping in the house work every 3 months or so. i'm trying not fall behind but i can't keep up. if i'm working more than normal

On monday's DW takes DD out to a friends every monday, and if they stay at the friends for tea i pick them up after work, on monday we had a crisis at wrk I couldn't walk away from, it started around 4pm and i didn't get out till 6.20pm, i didn't notice the time till i was outside and didn't have my phone on me to warn her till i was outside. as soon as i got out i tried to call but she got to me first, she wasn't happy and got her friend to take her home (DW doesn't drive and her friend picks her up). i said i was sorry many times but its not good enough, she accused me of putting my career before our DD and her. we haven't really spoken since.

i dont know what to do.

sounds to me like you need to talk to each other .. and maybe place less priority on housework??

Talk to each other, get a cleaner and get her some driving lessons. You are not putting your career before your DD (6.20 is hardly late) you are supporting your wife and daughter financially.

I agree with Kirsty wirsty..sit and talk! ..you both seem to b working hard n when u get home you need to relax...there are more important things than housework!! As long as the house isnt filthy...does it really matter? Spend some time together as a family n have some fun :) the housework will still be there tomorrow! :)

Agree with Kirsty, communication is the key to so many things as it will be to this too. Failing that if money allows maybe getting a cleaner is the way to go in order to diffuse the situation. There are some things money def can buy and if the outcome is marital bliss then surely it's worth it?

I agree, I think you need to stop stressing over housework. Is it really the end of the world if the washing up doesnt get done exactly on time?

It seems to me that if you feel you have to come home at lunch time and do housework then it's obviously causing a big problem. Personally I would never dream of coming all the way home at lunchtime to Hoover and I wouldnt want my DH to feel like he had to do that either.
Sounds like you need to have a chat about what you can both practically do in the time you have at home, rather than both of you taking on more than is actually possible and just relax- as a full time working mum of 3 I can tell you IMO it's not possible for the house to be spotless all the time.

Or could you get a cleaner a couple of days a week?

You split the house work in half yet you are "out" of the house working longer than she is?

Surely the fairest way would be to - get a cleaner, or make sure that the housework is split so you both have the same level of downtime?

She sounds like a bit of a control freak to me!

Hi all thanks for your posts, would love a cleaner but can't afford it and dont think wife would go for it.

Just to clairfy, the house work is more 70, 30 spilt me being 30, i have a list of things i have todo and i am really rubbish at doing them when work is busy,
my list is
1)Monday empty bins (always get this done)
2)Tuesday Strip the bed linnen and put it in the washing machine, (normally tuesday or wednesday morning done)
3)Wednesday Clean up after dinner (get it done)
4) Thursday Polish the Whole hourse or Clean Mircowave and Oven top - missed this quite alot
5) Friday Mop Floors (really bad at getting this done) was at work till 8.30pm last friday so not a chance
6) Weekend Hoover House (normally get this down on the friday or monday lunch break as we are normally very busy on the weekend

i think the overall problem is not the house work, it more she feels i taker her for granted, shrug off my responisibilities and treat her like a servant.

i guess one of my faults is if its been a tough day at work and i'm stressed out the last thing i want to do is go scrub some floors at 8pm at night.

Dunon .. I am lucky if my bed gets changed fortnightly .. likewise the hoovering!

I am a big fan of the following poem ..

Babies don't keep
I hope my children will look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up while we're not looking.
Dusting and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow
For babies grow fast we learn to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

My philosophy is that I'm never going to look back on my life when I'm old and wish I'd done more hoovering ...

Bloody hell..that list feels like a nightmare to me. I guess your DW likes routine but when you have a baby the routine often has to take a back seat. Similarly I would prioritise work and rest/downtime ahead of clearing floors.

If your wife feels valued by you doing chores I think you need to talk because I think you are storing up problems if chores are ahead of a down time, taking care of a child or a paying job.

Whose idea was that list?? If you are not managing it (due to work) then it doesn't work and needs to be revised pronto.

Thursday Polish the Whole hourse

What on earth for?

Like Kirsty says, no-one's going to be lying on their death bed saying I wish I'd kept a cleaner house....

DH and I both work full time we leave house at 6am, Dh is back often around 6pm I am in earliest at 7pm.
We have four sons, both of us are too knackered to do all but the barest minimum, so the house gets messy during the week, and standards have had to slip, but we both need to work, and housework is not a priority when it comes down to holding on to your job, and being a good an effective employee!
(I am aghast that you go home during your lunch hour)
We all have a massive clear up on a Saturday, and we function still as a family, no one has died because their sheets weren't changed that week.

You both really need to be flexible in your approach, if you are really busy at work one week, tell your DW and say I will do what I can manage, the rest will have to wait.

Alternatively have you thought of getting up earlier a couple of days a week to get some of it done , before you go to work? I occasionally do this and its a lot quicker and easier than trying to do housework when you are tired after a day at work.

Polish the whole house?
Once a week?
On a weekday??

WTAF?
WHY?

seriously though OP me and DH both work full time and we don't achieve everything on your list between us!!
It seems a bit crazy to have such a regimented schedule as well, life doesn't always go to plan, we all get delayed at work, or meet friends unplanned, or go the gym.

It seems unrealistic to me.

Excuse the cod psychology but is it possible she is setting you up to fail as there is something else getting her down/she is annoyed about?

Jesus. I could never get all that done on top of my f-t job during the week - and frankly, nor would I want to! Polish the whole house? Not frigging likely.

Is that really THIRTY PERCENT of your weekly housework?

Honestly, coming home at lunchtime to do the hoovering - bugger that for a game of soldiers.

blimey. I would get a cleaner if I were you.

Get her to drive. I'm going to show this thread to my H - he thinks I'm unreasonable and I work 5 days a week.

I think she might need to get a hobby or a job actually.

BeattieBow DW does work 2 days a week.

i guess another problem is that if i forget todo something i dont remember to go back to it, therefore it falls on her.

HotBurrito1 i think there is a bigger issue here than just cleaning.

Look to be fair DW is awesome i love her dearly and i dont want her to be unhappy, if i need todo more house work so she can go and do something else so be it, but the comments here have made alot of sense and i thank you all, its helped me, now if i can just retire at the age of 35 (5yrs time) then that would be awesome

Many Thanks