In laws causing me anguish-is it OK to cut ties or is there another way

[minipoppet]

I have found myself married into some complex family issues on my in-law side and am struggling to get through it on a daily basis.I live near to them and haven't really told DH the complete detail of what happens all the time because he is well aware of how they are (his mother & sister) and it seems that he deals with it by 'if they are behaving reasonably,respectfully and being pleasant then he will give them his time, if they are being obtrusive,opinionated and rude then he simply doesn't give them the time of day0 sounds like the answer doesn't it but I have tried this and a lot of what they manage to do slips under the MAN RADAR if you like so unless I point things out or tell him then it isn't always obvious how they can be with me (e.g his mum will ignore me in the street and speak to me in our home).He has never really had a wonderful relationship with his sister, him and his mum have been OK over the years but she is on a very different wave length to him so I find he just humours her to be polite but there is no real relationship there.(actually they seem like a duo my sil & MIL but actually they don't get on at all either and always fall out)
My Sil leans on me when she wants something,food,money,babysitter etc or is bored but never reciprocates,i.e never does anything for me unless I am on my death bed I find they are both self centred and take take take-everything in life has to be about them-they are jealous of us (we have been happily married for 10 years and have 5 children) we work hard and are very united-Dh would be happy for me to write them out of our lives because their behaviour upsets me and therefore rubs off on the children and in our house when they are nearby or involved with us- I have tried EVERYTHING over the years and actually be happier we seem the more they hate it-some days I want to move away but wouldn't want to put my Dh or children through that,I try to keep a relationship with his side of the family for my children and him really but am now wondering after 10 years if enough is enough and if they really are intent on destroying us and being consistently rude ( thats how it feels) then should I distance us all from it and get on with our 'quiet and happy' lives??? I do actually come from quite a laid back background and never have any conflict in life as it goes but I AM defensive and protective over my family and will do what it takes to keep them happy in their home.

I struggled to read that without paragraphs.

Sorry mini but you haven't really given any info on what it is that really annoys you or makes them people deserving of being cut out of their son/brother and grandchildrens lives.

Dh would be happy for me to write them out of our lives because their behaviour upsets me and therefore rubs off on the children and in our house when they are nearby or involved with us

You've answered your own question. The only way to deal with these toxic people is to simply cut ties and have no more to do with them.

I have found myself married into some complex family issues on my in-law side and am struggling to get through it on a daily basis.
I live near to them and haven't really told DH the complete detail of what happens all the time because he is well aware of how they are (his mother & sister) and it seems that he deals with it by--- 'if they are behaving reasonably,respectfully and being pleasant then he will give them his time, if they are being obtrusive,opinionated and rude then he simply doesn't give them the time of day)- sounds like the answer doesn't it but I have tried this and a lot of what they manage to do slips under the MAN RADAR if you like, so unless I point things out or tell him then it isn't always obvious how they can be with me (e.g his mum will ignore me in the street and speak to me in our home).

He has never really had a wonderful relationship with his sister, him and his mum have been OK and amicable mostly over the years but she is on a very different wave length to him so I find he just humours her to be polite but there is no real relationship there.
(actually they seem like a duo my sil & MIL from what I have written but actually they don't get on at all either and always fall out).

My Sil leans on me when she wants something,food,money,babysitter etc or is bored , but never reciprocates,i.e never does anything for me unless I am on my death bed.

I find they are both self centred and take take take,-everything in life has to be about them- I feel that they are jealous of us and our family life and relationship (we have been happily married for 10 years and have 5 children) we work hard and are very united, Dh would be happy for me to write them out of our lives because their behaviour upsets me so frequently and therefore rubs off on the children,in our house, when they are nearby, or involved with us at all- I have tried EVERYTHING over the years and actually the happier we seem the more they hate it and become more spiteful-some days I want to move away but wouldn't want to put my Dh or children through that,I try to keep a relationship with his side of the family for my children and him really but am now wondering after 10 years if enough is enough and if they really are intent on destroying us and being consistently rude ( thats how it feels) then should I distance us all from it and get on with our 'quiet and happy' lives??? I do actually come from quite a laid back background and never have any conflict in life as it goes but I AM defensive and protective over my family and will do what it takes to keep them happy in their home.
PARAGRAPHS ADDED FOR TIPTOE AND ANYONE ELSE THAT COULDN'T READ MY POST-SORRY WAS TYPING QUICKLY SO CHILDREN DIDNT SEE DIDNT GET TIME FOR PAPRAGRAHS! THEY IN BED NOW SO ADDED THEM

If you wanted further detail of how they are then I could give you a comprehensive list like
MIl ignored me the day I had a miscarriage -even though she knew I had been in hospital for this.
When my grandmother died she also said NOTHING about the funeral other than to say to Dh to 'drive carefully'-again didnt acknowledge my nan at all even as I stood there!
my children made her a hand made gift we had a day trip out to make it-when she arrived to our house she walked past me, sat down the garden (She was in a mood-these are common) and when my toddler handed over the gift she said in an off voice 'WHATS THIS FOR' until she realised exactly the effort that had gone into it.
let me know if you need more to build a picture and form an opinion sorry I try not to slag her of in detAIL

My opinion hasn't changed, honey. These people are toxic and you have no need to expose yourself or your dc to their poison.

No I wouldn't cut them out of my children's or DH's life thats up to them-I am not 'in charge' here we make our own decisions and my children can find their own way with that side of the family , I simply just mean from my side, stop making an effort, don't buy her gifts anymore (Let DH do that) I only bought bouquet of flowers last week for her birthday-no word of thanks to me at all when DH took it round.( I struggled to collect that with my buggy etc)

Thats the thing she can have our children and visit anytime (always has been able to) I have never said no to that and wouldn't, she simply doesn't come when left to her own devices-oh every now & then she will appear without notice and 'whisk' them to school (Without asking me either).

She is/They are treating you with a dismal lack of respect. I see no reason at all why you should treat her/them with anything more than common civility - that which you would extend to anyone you met on an occasional basis.

So - forget trying to do anything nice for her/them. Respond politely if they talk to you but otherwise don't put yourself out in any way for either of them. In other words, distance yourself as much as you can while still having them in your DH's and DC's lives as much as they can stand (probably not that much in the end - if they all love you, which it sounds as though they do, they won't like to see you being treated so badly either and in the end the losers will be your MIL and SIL).

As for allowing them to visit whenever they feel like it - no. I'd set boundaries on that, especially as she is too mannerless to ask you if it's ok to take your children to school whenever she feels like it. You are laying down and allowing her to treat you like a doormat and if you want to feel better about things, then that needs to change. So set boundaries - take back an element of control of your family life.

thanks thumbwitch thats kind of what I do but i do keep trying to be nice/kind to see if they appear any different and that doesn't happen each time it goes wrong,I guess thats what I was kind of posting for to see if people thought it was OK to even stop the giving-my mum always advised that if i was nice then they would have no genuine reason to be horrible in return it just doesn't seem to be that way-my friend suggested shutting the curtains if I didn't want them in and make a bold statement in terms of'I am not available' just because my car is here-its hard to pretend to be out with 5 children!I think I will try & say to them please could they ring before coming.
I need to be confident that I am behaving reasonably first i think then I will be empowered.

I agree with Thumbwitch

You don´t have to see them just because you are in.

I´d stop bothering tbh & leave it up to your husband to keep the relationship going if he wants to.

I wouldn´t make an effort to keep such people in your childrens´lives-what do they get from them?

"you need to try and work out how you can all live together in some kind of neutral harmony."

Sorry, but why?

Seems to me that the ILs don´t try-why can´t the OP not bother also?

I think 10 years of trying to be nice is enough, tbh. It hasn't made any positive difference - time to try a new tactic.

Re a comment that Silkpurse wrote earlier:-
"I don't believe you should just cut ties, you need to try and work out how you can all live together in some kind of neutral harmony".

The problem with that approach is that although you want to be nice the other side do not and actually never want to play ball. Dysfunctional families do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations and cannot do reasonable. Sometimes cutting ties is needed to maintain a good state of general mental health; toxic people can really grind a person down. Silkpurse, I wish you all the best with your counselling sessions and hope that it does help you. Would reiterate that it is not you, its them and they blame you for their inherent ills. You did not make them that way.

minipoppet - both your MIL and SIL (who appears to be cast from the same mould as MIL) are treating you with utmost contempt and are walking all over you and your family unit. Being nice and kind to them won't make them treat you any differently; they see you anyway as a threat to their own world order. Would want to keep the children away from such influences as well particularly as SIL appears without notice and whisks them to school without asking you beforehand. Raise your own bar here for your sake.

thank you yes they are certainly jealous of what we have I do know that you are right I am usually a very confident person and yes they do sometimes end up making me feel very stupid & nervous.I myself am unsure why I keep going back for more of the same treatment, and actually now I think of it it may look as if I am desperate for their acceptance-(which I have been sometimes),

I am slowly giving up now though in the need to move forward and be happy, just recently too I have become a little stronger after having our children I am what i call 'returning to normal' again and looking forward to the future and this is part of what i feel I need to deal with once and for all.

I do know that counselling may help a little which is funny you should mention it ,more so based on my past as I had a funny time being young, we had a wonderful family life until mum/dad split loosing everything home,jobs and mum ended up in a mental hospital all at once, I feel I kind of dealt with that as i am now so happy & have built our own happy family, my dream did come true after many difficult years 'recovering'. I managed to move on.

This is why I believe that their behaviour upsets me more than it maybe would if none of those things happened in my past.It was like I met my husband and was given another chance- he couldn't be more perfect for me, hard working,understanding,patient etc.
It would be interesting to see what further out in your sessions silk purse I do wonder if this would help me and my GP did recently give me the number for NHS wellbeing-anyone know much about it-Imaybe I will need some support for the future in terms of behaviour considering I have 5 children to support without my immediate family- my parents live 7 hours away by car!We have good phone contact but thats all.

Thank you for your replies I will keep you updated.

What your counsellor said made me chuckle, Silkpurse-if your MIL is a bully-what has your appearance got to do with it

I find my MIL hard to get on with.

We are just poles apart in personality.

But for the little amount of time we see each other it´s OK.

And it´s enough for my husband also which I think is also important.

He has the relationship he wants with his mum.

I think if OP´s husband has the relationship he wants with his mum-isn´t that the main thing?

I suppose, was thinking of my children having grandmother around-which she isn't anyway I guess!I think it's time to stop being walked all over though like you say.This will undoubtedly cause conflict of a verbal kind though (Which was trying to avoid)

Do your children really get anything from their relationship with MIL?

If not, then try not to think too much about that.

Will you see her at all?

For example if your husband visits would you & the children go/would he take the children?

If she comes to you would you & the children stay in to see her?

My ILs would only visit at weekends when my husband was also there.

They were more than welcome to come in the week & spend time with their (only) GC but never did.

As I said, I find them hard to get on with-but since then I´ve always thought that things must have been worse than I thought that they couldn´t tolerate me on my own for the sake of seeing the GC.

I would do the minimum and no more. In our house, my husband is responsible for contact with his family, and me with mine. I mean, I would be happy to come along etc, but he buys or doesn't buy their presents, calls them regularly. They are difficult so it seems the easiest way.

They treat you poorly because they can and because you let them. Step back and learn from your DH. Some people just aren't nice, don't take it personally, its not you its them. They are toxic and the only thing you can do is limit your exposure to their toxicity and when you absolutely must come into contact with them, don a hazmat outfit.

My ex MIL isn't anywhere near as horrid as your MIL and SIL but when ex MIL passive aggressive ways come to the fore I (metaphorically) slap her down, especially when she involves DD. I can take or her leave her crap (mostly leave) but when ex MIL involves my daughter then she gets very short shrift (ex MIL is on her last warning which of course in two months time she will conveniently forget).

You didn't make them this way, you can not change them and you are not responsible for them.