Am having to sit on my hands because am so sad that my "parents" have opted out...

[bintofbohemia]

My DS1 lost his first tooth today. He's so excited (who am I kidding, so am I!) but all day I have been constantly feeling the need to call/email my father and stepmother because I just can't believe that they don't care about my kids.

Some people might remember some of the ongoing dramas but everything came to a head last year after my father accused me of making up a car accident that DS1 was in because "I like to exaggerate". It was one of the most shit awful things that has ever happened to us and we spent days thinking he had glass in his eye, so for my father to dismiss it like that was the clincher in an already bad relationship. Every interaction we had with them got worse and worse as they refused to take responsibility for anything they were doing or saying until I finally said that until they were willing to deal with the problems we have (rather than saying and doing terrible things and then being all breezy and blasé on the phone like nothing had happened) then we needed to have a period of no contact. I said no contact at all, Christmas presents or anything, which they blatantly ignored and sent money via the MIL for both Christmas and Easter, which then puts us in an awkward position; if we don't say thanks, we look rude and if we do we get drawn into more crap and all the while we're still playing their game.

They are telling people that I've stopped them from seeing their grandchildren, which I suppose I have, technically for the last 6 months, but in the two years prior to that we lived 2 minutes around the corner and they never visited the DSs at all. We moved further away, and in the year since they have flown around the world three times to visit my brother but not bothered to cross the Pennines once.

I don't know how to field questions from my DS1 who remembers and misses them (DS2 wouldn't know them from Adam now) and I'm so tempted to call them and ask them why the buggery bollocks are they behaving like this. Why does my father not care that his first grandchild has lost his first tooth and is growing up without seeing him?

I know that I should, in reality, just leave it. But it feels festery. Most days I can deal with it but today I'm really struggling with the whole thing...

There has been a milestone in your child's life, which brings back to the fore the fact that you don't have the parents you would wish - the kind of grandparents who share in their grandchild's joys. So you are back to that mental place where you wish they were other than what they are.

But they are the way they are. They choose to behave as they do, which includes the choice not to deal with the real issue, and instead to ignore the NC you asked for (Christmas presents) and to badmouth you to other people.

Let them. They are as they are.

Your father cares about his version of the truth - the one where he is a wronged GF being denied access to his GS - more than he cares about your request that he take responsibility for his actions before contact can be renewed.

In the same way, by the way, you currently care more about your request that he take responsibility for his actions more than you care for him to have a relaitonship with your son at any price. And that is absolutely your right.

It feels festery, you say. What could you do that would help release some of those emotions into the open? Do you have a good friend you could vent about this to?

Thanks for your reply. I don't know how to release it - I could talk to DH tonight but he's generally sick of even thinking about them, and I don't like to talk to my friends any more as I suppose there's nothing new to say, rather than I am struggling. I wonder if I should be taking a more Zen approach to the whole thing but I can't think of any way to be in contact with them that doesn't involve me climbing down and sucking up whatever crap they throw at me.

I just can't believe that, whatever they think of me, that they are happy to have zero relationship with their grandchildren. Who does that? Their other grandparents would never say "ah well, sod it then" and abandon them.

It also doesn't help that the first thing I see when I log into FB is a note from my SIL (on other side of world) thanking them for sending teething biscuits out to her baby. They will take an interest and fly around the world (probably helps that they get a holiday out of it and coming here is not so tropical) but don't bother about mine. The whole thing is so fucking unfair and I don't know what to do with myself about it all today.

(I'm really tempted to send a text letting them know about DS and having a dig about them not giving a shit but am aware that passive aggression serves no one.)

it's a horrid situation.

i personally would probably send the text, but only stating "DS's first tooth has fallen out" and that would be it. no discussion etc.

I wouldn't contact them, I would find a counsellor to work through all this.

And woo hoo to your DS losing his first tooth.... we love the tooth fairy in this house!!

Who does that?

The self-absorbed.

How about stepping away from Facebook if there are things on it that you find upsetting? You can always return to Facebooking when you feel more Zen.

I think your friends would rather help you, rather than find out later that stuff has been eating at you that didn't feel you could open to them about.

Hi Bint

I remember you well for previous postings. So your DS lost his first tooth today, ahhhhhhhh:).

Unfortunately with regards to your Dad and your stepmother their behaviour is all par for the course for toxic parents and your father is in complete thrall to his wife. Your father is a weak man. These two have also walked over any boundary that you care to set them and badmouth you to other people to boot. They would never bring anything at all positive into your children's lives; any presents that they send the children are certainly not without price or obligation attached.

If you have not already have counselling regarding this I would have a look at the website of the BACP.

Block the FB as well.

Self absorbed narcissists act like your Dad and stepmother do, they are not worth any of your time or headspace.

I think stepping away from FB is a very good idea.

Hi Attila. Yup, still me angsting about this shit. It's very annoying. I did have counselling for a while but it all seemed to boil down to "they are bastards, you can't change them so change yourself" and most of the time I do alright with it but at the moment am having trouble not getting emotionally caught up in it all. I might have a look into some further counselling in general to be honest. What really annoys me, and this sounds terrible and petty, but I know that they've caused me the most grief and it'll be me getting cut out of the will whilst my brother and seriously unpleasant half sister will be laughing all the way to the bank. Not a very charitable thought but it just seems like I get the raw end of the deal with them and always bloody have since day 1.

I've just noticed that the Buddhist Centre up the road has a class tonight about being honest with ourselves and next week it's "Letting go, moving on" so I think I'll drag my maudlin self out to those.

Thanks for the replies. I keep going back to self doubt about it. (More damage they've done, I believe.)

Perhaps symbolically writing them a letter and putting it in a box may help? Even do this on good days to remind yourself how well you're doing.

Just back from meditation which I think has been really helpful. I think I will write that letter Posie. Not to send but just to let it out andlet it go. Thanks. X

Good for you bint, youve done something positive. It is hard when you cut parents out of your life even if its the right thing to do and I think secretly deep down we are all hoping they'll realise the error of their ways, say sorry and try harder to be a decent parent and grandparent. Sadly they usually dont but I think it just makes you feel the loss, if you like, of what could and should have been in an ideal world, and its that feeling of grief that really hurts. I am hoping it will diminish with time but in the meantime just be kind to yourself xx

Oh and re facebook my mum wasnt on there but the rest of her/my (huge) family were and during the separation some of them evidently decided to take her side and started defriending me which really hurt especially as one of my aunts I was very close to (very close in age) so I decided to take the power away from them and defriended the whole family and untagged myself from all photos (I know thats sounds kind of childish and bitchy) it has actually been very therapeutic as I am not involved with any of the nonsense at all now and if they make snidey comments about me I am completely unaware and unaffected by it.

THanks Arfur. Sorry you're experiencing similar. Lots of my family were going back telling tales and shit stirring so I took them off there a while back - I sent an email saying that it was just easier not to have family on FB and nothing personal, but they've all seen their arses and cut me out. The way I see it is, that's not my loss actually. At least I know who's on my side now, and that despite all the crap I was fed growing up about the importance of family and how family are always there for you, turns out that blood really is thicker than water and that most of the people in my step family don't really give a crap about me. I'm fine with that, it's nice to know where I stand. On the upside, I have started making more meaningful relationships with my blood family that have been kept away from me all my life, which has been a good experience. I'm trying not to be bitter about all the years I've lost with them because they were edited out of my life in favour of the "new" family set up.