Should I take my DM to task over this?

[littlemissstan]

My parents separated 25 years ago, we (DB and I) have always seen my Dad, gone on holiday with him etc. Whilst not the best of friends, he and my DM seemed to get along ok (after the initial animosity anyway), sending Birthday/Christmas cards, seeing each other at events (graduations, school plays) and able to make small talk...

Fast forward to now - I got engaged in January, from the start DP and I have been very clear that we were not looking for financial help from either family, we are able to save for the wedding ourselves. DF and his wife offered us the same sum of money as they gave to my two step brothers for their weddings, we accepted this gratefully but did not expect, want or need anything else.

My DM has gone BALLISTIC over this, saying that my DF does not love me, deserve me as a daughter, shouldn't be allowed to give me away as he clearly cares so little. We have explained to her that we do not want his help, we want to have the wedding the way we want it. I found out yesterday that she has now written what my DF is calling a 'vicious and abusive' letter to him, accusing him of always being a rubbish father, of being disgustingly mean, and letting him know that she's told everyone (my Nana, uncle, friends that he still sees) how badly he is behaving. He is devastated, and has now under this duress put a large sum of money into my bank account which he is refusing to accept back. I do not want to use this money to pay for my wedding, I feel it has been given out of duress and sadness and is not what I wanted.

I feel my DM has behaved disgustingly, going behind my back to DF and letting 25 years of resentment out against him using the wedding as an excuse. We are due to go away with her in June, I feel like cancelling the holiday and telling her she is to have nothing to do with our wedding if it makes her behave like this. Am I over reacting?? I have never seen my DF so upset, so sad that someone would accuse him of the things she has.

My colleague said this morning that weddings really bring out the best and worst in people - she seems to be right? Any advice? Really, should I tell her I know how horrible she's been? Or leave it between the two of them?

She sounds vile.

25 years and still not over her divorce? Sounds like she needs some help.

Yes, take her to task! Tell her exactly how you feel and don't speak to her again until she's apologised to your poor, lovely father.

:(

This is not your battle to fight: it's about your DM's issues with your DF's action. You do not need to be the referee or peace-maker: he is old enough to choose how to react to her (rather loony) statements.

The fact that he chose to react by sending you money is puzzling. Is he a pushover? Guilty about having had less of a role in your upbringing post-divorce as he might otherwise have had? Whatever it is, those are his issues.

The only way in which you are directly concerned is the fact that you now have an unasked-for lump of cash in your account. Your choice what you want to do with it.

It sounds like you feel uncomfortable with the way this money was guilted out of your Dad by your Mum. If that is the case, tell him: "Dad, I am uncomfortable with the fact that this money you sent me was guilted out of you by an angry letter from Mum. Thank you very much for the money you've already sent us. I certainly never asked to be treated any differently to step-bros. I am sending it back to you, with my thanks."

I would let her know that it's upset you but maybe leave your DF out of it. In regards to your DF I would stop trying to give the money back for a while, try again after the wedding when hopefully feelings won't be so hurt and just let him know you love him. Sorry your having a tough time weddings are supposed to be happy but unfortunately your colleague is right they can bring out the worst in people. Hope you get things sorted to cheer you up a little

I think the money is more to show all the people DM has spoken to about this that he is not what she has portrayed him as IYSWIM...

Thank you all for your kind advice, I am feeling thoroughly drained by the whole thing!

Tell her unless she behaves like an adult you will not have her at your wedding

Cancel the holiday with your hostile mother asap. She has no right whatsoever to dictate how you should feel about her ex H and she needs to get over herself pronto. I would tell her this asap.

The ongoing war being carried out by your mother towards her ex husband is one fight you need to stay out of. Its not your fight.

What more could she have wanted than for your DF to treat all his children equally?

I know from my own family, that some people just never fully get over a divorce, and it would seem that this has confirmed that she still feels quite raw, however illogical that is.

I think strawberry's suggestion of trying again after the wedding is a really good one. If at all possible you need to tell your DM that your relationship with your DF is both different and separate from hers, and that she needs to let you decide what is acceptable to you, and not her. I know that is easier said than done though.

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. I hope you have a gorgeous, lovely, lovely, day.

strawberry that is a good idea - we have already decided to carry on saving ourselves, so that we can then give the money back at a later date when things have calmed down.

I am just amazed that she has acted like this, it is out of character and it's been so long - as tumbleweed says it looks like she has never got over it.