Have you had the chat with you parents about their elderly care options?

[cfc]

If you have how did you manage that conversation?

My mother is very pragmatic and would more than likely tell us to put her down! But I would like her to know that there's always a place for her with us, but we live 250 miles from where she lives now. I was also going to ask her about a living will, inheritence tax planning etc but what a morbid convo!

Have you done it?

I didn't have that conversation with my late Mum as such, but I was fully aware of what she wanted WRT her Will and tax planning. I would advise you to have the conversation sooner rather than later, so that you know what her wishes are, particularly whilst she is 'of sound mind'. My Mum had a brain tumour (undiagnosed until it was terminal), and her cognitive function diminished rapidly, so she was unable to make choices for herself.

WRT care - I would be cautious about offering more than you are able to give. I tried to juggle home, work and caring for my Mum, who only lived an hour away from me, and it was impossible to give her the care that she needed. You need to think very carefully about this, because physical and/or mental disability is hard to deal with and can require more care than you are able to give. We muddled through for a while, but least when I got Mum into a nursing home I knew that she was being looked after 24/7 by people who knew what they were doing.

I'm sure your Mum will have thought about all of this and would be grateful for you bringing it up, particularly if she is pragmatic.

HTH

If she is that pragmatic she may already be on the case. Mine certainly is, and has told me and DB about her will, that she has made a living will, that we are to be signatories or whatever it's called if she goes gaga, and that she would like to be put down before she goes gaga/becomes completely infirm.

(not sure we could do the last but she assures me she will 'deal with it herself' before she reaches that point)

I think you could ask her if she has put any general plans in place, without being too specific?

I visited my dad and put a load of Post-It notes saying MINE on the stuff I wanted.

My mother and I no longer talk and I am written out of the will so that settles that one.
My dad has hinted that he's left a will but no way in God's earth will he ever go into a home. At the moment he's in good health and if anything should change I guess we'd have to take it day by day. He's in the Orkney's though so it would be difficult to get anything in place from here. He's too proud to accept help, especially outside help and would rather die than move back to England, which is probably what he'll do!

I reckon your mum probably has her options covered.

I have had the chat and seriously it is so much easier to do it when everything is fine, because everyone is calm. If your mum is pragmatic in her approach, that's a great start.

I work with people with progressive illness, so raised it with my parents because of that.

I was helped because various family members were being diagnosed with dementia at the time, and they had a good friend who had had a sudden stroke, so it was pretty easy for them to see the consequences of not having thought about things and made arrangements in advance.

Everyone should get their powers of attorney sorted so that it's legally established that there is someone who can make decisions about your care and/or finances in case you lose your capacity. I now have power of attorney for both my parents, who are both well - and I hope will stay so for a very long time to come! I know that they are really glad that it is now sorted.

(I am also very aware that I need to get a will and my own poa arrangements in place.)

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate your input greatly.

I think I'll ask her about it tonight. I would hate her in a home but I know that sometimes these things are unavoidable.

It's hard being grown up.

We've had this chat with my parents (they're only in their fifties though!) and it was fine. We're a very close family though and we don't really have any taboo topics - so my dad wants a little pill when it all get's a bit much, my mom practically house hunts for us and I threaten to put them in a crappy home if they bug me.

Seriously though, I think it is vital to sit down and have a chat - it doesn't have to be a formal thing, but more of an open "have you thought about this? what do you think about living with me?" etc etc. Be prepared that she may not want to live with you - my parents are comfortable with it because we know we can be honest to each other and that I would never ever be their "carer" in the sense of personal care. We're in the fortunate position that we would probably be able to afford to top up what SS would be able to offer. If there was a suggestion that I or my husband would be forced in that role, my parents would run a mile.

I havn't had a chat as such, but my Mum did say the last time I was at theirs that she 'knows I would look after them when the time came, as we would do the same for you'. So I suppose its something that will have to be discussed at some stage

Something that is a very sensible idea is Lasting Power of Attorney, which can be used if the person becomes unable to deal with their own affairs. It might never be needed, but we are very glad we sorted it for our mum, as she has dementia, and if it had gone on much longer, she wouldn't have had the capacity to understand and sign the form.
Even if you never need to use it, it's a very very good thing to have in place, just in case. We never know what's round the corner and if you don't want the Court of Protection taking over and charging an arm and a leg to sort the smallest thing out, this is what you need to do. I can't recommend it enough. My mum is now in a lovely sheltered flat, and enjoying not having to manage a big three bedroomed house. We are dealing with selling her remaining furniture etc for her, and will put the house on the market for her.
Ma was very resistant for a long time about sheltered housing, and PoA, because she was a person who liked to control everything, including us! But now she's realised that it's a relief to let go a bit and let other people help her. She's only been in the flat for two days but is more relaxed now than she has been for about the last ten years.

My parents have given both me and my brother all needed information about wills. They have also said they would prefer to die younger in their own homes than be placed anywhere else.

My Dad (70 next year - mega fit) discussed a joint (Dsis & I) power of attorney only yesterday. He already has his Will sorted and letters addressed to me & my sister in a safe place (which we know about). So we are going to have a long discussion this weekend and sort out forms etc.

I hadn't actually considered it, both my parent are very fit and in good health. But I suppose this is the time to do it.