Parental responsibility - where to draw the line?

[Sonriente]

I am so torn with this one, looking for some words of support and wisdom.

My mother is an alcoholic and a narcotics abuser. Her life is one catastrophe after another; in the past year she has crashed her car whilst DIC and after a long drawn out court case (unbelievably she pleaded not guilty) has been given a suspended sentence. She now regularly misses her probation appointments and community service sessions. Her long term partner has left her so she now lives alone, she is regularly ill or injured ( unexplained broken bones, stitches to head, vomitting, fever) last week she was hit by a car. Whenever anyone is with her, she cries and says she wishes she was dead (though admits when sober she doesn't mean it). All whilst drunk.
I'm certain that she will either lose her job (due to not turning up, turning up drunk) or have to serve her prison sentence soon.
Every time something happens she phones up wanting to be 'rescued' and foolishly I (and other family members) have done what we can. Collecting her from police station, paying for lawyers, taking her to hospital, tidying the house, staying with her.

I am at the point of wanting to cut contact. Throughout this last year I have been pregnant and now have a baby who is a few weeks old. Of the hundreds of times she has called with problems not once as she asked how I am. I know she has an illness but the stress is really getting to me. I leave my phone turned off as I'm so scared of what I'll hear next.

I want to be able to put my family first (I now have 3 children under 5) but there is this guilty feeling that I should be doing more to look after my mother.

Anybody been through this?

I haven't been through this but I just wanted to say it must be extremely difficult trying to support someone who won't help themselves. As hard as it is, now is probably the time to cut contact as you have 3 lovely children who are more worthy of your love and attention - and finances!
It's a pattern that just gets repeated with rescuers stepping in until you all end up exhausted and stressed, and with no result as your mum just keeps on behaving the same way.
There's only so much you can do at the end of the day and it sounds like you've done as much as you can.
Cut contact, and don't give in. Addicts are VERY selfish and manipulative and can push your guilt buttons at the drop of a hat, and what's more, they don't give a toss about anyone else. She won't care that you have 3 young children who need your time and energy.

I've not had this particular problem, but a good few years ago, after my father diied we sold our house and went to live with my mother to pay her bills, and to help. It became a total nightmare with her forbidding us to use the washing machine etc etc. In the end we left.

We left because we had reached our personal limit - she'd already scuppered my professional exams, and her next target was our marriage. I think sooner or later, everyone reaches their own personal limit. I don't think that you should feel any guilt, though you probably will do, if you reduce your personal involvement with her problems and concentrate on your own family.

To be rescued all the time probably isn't doing her any favours in the long run. If everytime she cocks up someone rescues her, she doesn't have any incentive to sort her life out.

Take care, and look after yourself.

I think you are at the point of not being able to help your mum, she has severe issues which can't be addressed by yourself as she needs professional help. Would her GP speak with you and see what can be done? For her safety it seems if she needs intensive help (which I know isn't always available).

You don't have to take on this responsibility - you do have a duty of care towards your dc's who are vulnerable. If you have other members can you all speak and see if you can agree a strategy? Sadly I don't think your mum will stop until she has reached rock bottom, horrendous situation for anyone to be in. Do try to get support from places like MIND and al-alnon as the burden of this is significant.

You need to put yourself first, and stop enabling her, and detach with love from her dramas. Sadly, as long as you are around to rescue her and play a part in this carousel ride of events, you are not helping either her or yourself (or your children and relationship). The absolutely best advice I can give you, go to an Al Anon meeting, tell them you are the adult child of an alcoholic and addict, and learn from the other people's experiences. Many many people have your experiences and there are ways of learning to cope and look after yourself. (If you don't want to do this, buy the al anon blue book, it has a lot of stories/case studies in it you might learn from, or go to your GP and ask for help for you. No one can do anything for her until she wants it.) You do not need to feel guilty for pulling out of this situation, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That is all 100% up to her.

Thank you to all, especially Daffy. I have called al anon and keep thinking of going to a meeting, but keep putting it off. Local meeting is tomorrow so that seems like a good thing to try. Thank you.

You and the other family members need to step away from her and you need to cut contact in all forms. Rescuing and or enabling her as you have all done has not helped anyone in the long run, least of all her. You cannot rescue and or save anybody who may or does not ultimately not want to be saved.

There are no guarantees here; she could lose everything and still choose to drink or use drugs.

Concentrate your energies primarily on your own family unit; your children will thank you for doing this for them.

Do go to your local Al-anon meeting tomorrow if you can; at the very least call their helpline.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Al-Anon is good. I found it very supportive. I think I probably got more from one-to-one counselling (organised via my GP) but I attended Al-Anon for quite a while and it was well worth it.

Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependent No More" is truly excellent. It was written for people just like you - people who have some kind of relationship with someone who has a drink/drug problem. You don't have to buy in to the whole co-dependent concept to gain an awful lot from that book.

Your thread title highlights to me that your mother has reversed the parent-child roles, with you in the role of responsible parent.

That's not how it should be, and you have every right to end that dysfunctional way of relating now.

You can't rescue her. You can't even help her: only she can do that. And only if she chooses to.

i also read your thread title and felt sad when i realised you had so completely reversed your roles.

the parental responsibility is HERS.
you have NO responsibility for her. your parental responsibility is to your DCs.

Al-Anon will help you. lean on them, try a few groups if the first one doesn't feel right. keep going, things will get clearer. your DM needs to be left to her own devices; as long as there are people around who make it possible for her to continue drinking/using, she has no chance of recovery.

your DM's life is not your problem and not your responsibility.
much love to you.