Help! No decision necessary - just badly need support and a sympathetic ear...

[mamalovesminky]

Hi, I really hope you can help me see some light at the end of the tunnel because all I seem to do is cry these days..
My LO now aged 1 was the result of an unplanned pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, her dad and I were on the brink of a break up but we stayed together for practical and financial reasons. (I wouldn't be able to claim benefits as a single mum because I have savings that I want to put into a mortgage to secure LO's future. Partner is about to go bankrupt and couldn't pay rent somewhere else and pay me maintenance without working all hours and never seeing LO who loves him to bits).
Bottom line is we have decided to stay together until I can get a mortgage (in a few years, when LO is in full time nursery and I am in full time work again and can provide 6 months of payslips at a decent salary).
BUT, he blames me for getting pregnant and 'trapping him' so he makes me pay every single day by using me as an emotional punching bag. He bad mouths me to his friends and family who say the most horrific things to me. It's really making me feel depressed and emotionally drained.
I'd love to be out now but I really don't want to be on benefits, however ridiculous that sounds - and in any case I really don't think I'd be entitled anyway. Just really need some words of inspiration to help me through this...

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post, MLM x

I think you should leave. Nothing could possibly be worse than being emotionally abused and 'punished' for a pregnancy (that occurred because two adults had sex). Surely being on benefits is better than this? And it wont be forever.

Anyway you will get lots of advice from women who have been in your shoes.

Really sorry your 'partner' is such a fucking, abusive shit and you are going through this.

Savings for your child do not and will not compensate for years spent in an unhappy family environment and you may live to regret wasting years of your life with someone who actively dislikes and abuses you

thank you proudnscary. But aside from not wanting to be on benefits (and doubting I'd be entitled to them anyway), I'm terrified of shooting myself in the foot by going it alone. Partner actually helps out a lot - mornings, evenings and weekends which allows me to work a little, and both baby and I benefit from this. Mumsnetters actually advised me to leave him during pregnancy but I'm sooo glad I didn't because he helped me to have the perfect hypnotherapy home birth and has been such a massive help (saw me through taking my former employer to tribunal and winning etc) and a great full-time daddy to LO. @Dropdeadfred, Partner doesn't dislike me. His anger is a lot to do with his past (previous bad marriage, massive debts caused by said marriage and 2 other kids who he hardly sees because she took them out of the country). My savings are not for my child, they're a deposit for a mortgage. My 2 sources of unhappiness are 1) my partner and 2) not having a place of my own, so I've decided the most efficient way of dealing with both problems is to stay until I can get a mortgage. As I said in my subject title, I've made my decision to stay for now, I just need words of wisdom re. staying strong and sane and not letting his personal problems get the better of me. I'm not religious but I have great faith in mind over matter and positive thinking. Does anyone know of a church of 'positive thinking' I could go to or could someone please set one up cos I really feel I need one! xx

Bump

leave him, im not sure about this but if he is applying for bankruptcy and you are his legal partner then they might want a peice of it, im not sure, but you NEED to check the legality of this.

As for the savings, can you not put them into trust or soemthign? There has to be a way out for you - if i were you, id bugger the savings, and do whats right for the child now, you may well be in a position to buy sooner than you think if you go back to work after baby is born anyway, so supporting yourself meantime will mean that not all willl be eaten up and you need to find out because you are probably entitled to a fair bit in savings anyway before your benefits as a singe parent are affected

why did i think yo uwere stil pregnant, sorry - will engage brain before i post next time.

I think it would be better for both of you if you split, if you say hes a good dad and helps out, he can continue to do that, but living apart from you and not engaging in EA, because that will damage your child more than you can imagine, my parents were in this cycle (but it was my mother who was the abuser) and im a nervous wreck as a result of it

What fred said.

Financial security will not offset the emotional damage being done to your LO right now, raised by an unhappy mother and a father who emotionally and verbally abuses his/her mother. "a few years" of this is unthinkable.

You have a right to happiness too.

I honestly can't support you through positive thinking to get through what to me would be an unbearable situation. I really think there has to be a better way, and it's obvious that if you are only staying together for financial reasons, there is going to be a lot of nastiness. Get a morgage earlier, rent (I do, not end of the world), do anything than try to cheer yourself up to deal with the undealable with. I bet your good friends tell you the same, don't they?

It will be far better for your child to live without savings, in a rented house on a low income for a while, than to live with the level of emotional abuse that you are being subjected to.

You say he doesn't dislike you..? But he bad mouths you to family and friends and uses you as an emotional punchbag. What does he do to people he DOES dislike?

Thanks for your comments everyone - I appreciate you taking the time to read and answer xx