Having a terrible time with my mother

[Vinnyinny]

I had a rough childhood, with an emotionally abusive stepdad who my mother never protected me from until he died when I was 13. My mum had a daughter from that relationship who still lives at home with her own son who is 4. I have a 2 year old DS and am pregnant (due in July). My mum has always been quite unreliable, is always late, and is very disorganised. Our relationship has survived the horribleness of my childhood (lots of therapy), although there will always be that part of my mind that doesn't entirely trust her.

I moved closer to home when I got pregnant because I wanted her to have a good relationship with my DS. She loves him to pieces but continually lets him and me down when it comes to spending quality time with him and giving me a much needed break. This stings because she spends inordinate amounts of quality time with her other grandson, and their relationship is very special. She is basically his primary carer as my sister is emotionally unstable and also rather verbally abusive herself.

My mum told me that she would take time out of every Tuesday to spend some time with DS. She persistently turns up late, or calls and cancels, or brings her other grandson with her, or even my sister, which I really dislike as I don't want my DS exposed to her temper tantrums. Yesterday she txt me to ask if my sister and DN could come over because she was feeling sad and didn't want to be on her own (she is very emotionally messed up herself, for which I am sorry, but her problems have been ongoing for years and are getting old - she isn't too sad to go out every night leaving my mum caring for her son). I lost it. I asked her to call me and explained that this was meant to be special time for her and my DS, and that I was pretty tired and needed a break, not a house full. We fell out about a similar thing a couple of weeks ago when she took her other grandson out to the theatre on a sunday afternoon without even considering taking my son too. She can carve out 'special time' for one but not the other.

I feel I need some support at the moment, my DH is poorly and has just been put on steroids, his family is very flaky and there have been some issues there recently, and I am pregnant and tired. She basically told me she cannot commit to the time she offered. She works part-time but has too much on at home caring for my sister and grandson to come over regularly.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I'm just tring to figure out what to do next. I am meant to be giving birth at home with my mother caring for my DS, but I don't think I can trust her to be reliable at that time, and I have no-one else to turn to. I can imagine giving birth to an audience of my mum, my son, my sister and my DN (oh and my mum's dog) because she has absolutely no respect for my boundaries. I just feel like giving up on her at the moment.

If this was AIBU, I'd say YABVU. You give her grief when she wants to do something with both grandchildren as it's not special enough, but when she then gets the message and takes out other GS without asking yours, she's neglecting him? You have to accept that her other half of the family IS her family too, whether you like your sister or not. And being disorganised doesn't make her a bad grandmother.

You don't trust her so why are you keen to foster a relationship between your ds and her? I never understand that (I have a trust issue with my mum btw but keep my distance).

You need to protect yourself and keep things at arms length for a while. Can you get childcare for your ds elsewhere and only see her at weekends?

I understand how you feel. I think she should spend at least some quality time each week with your son and she should treat both her grandchildren the same but at the same time it must be hard to do that when one of them is living with her.

I have a similar problem with my Mum. We live 8 miles away from her so not a huge distance but she acts like we live at the other end of the country and only visits my daugher at my house a couple of times a year. My Mum lives just around the corner from my brother and visits her other grandchildren at least 3 times a week because she can just pop in.

I know my Mum does love my daughter but I have to go out of my way to visit my Mum once a week otherwise she would never see her. Can't you do that? I know you don't get on with your step sister but you might have to grin and bear it if you want your children to spend time with their grandmother.

As for the theatre tickets. I don't know, I would have a chat with her about it if I was you and say how hurt you feel that your son wasn't included in the trip. As he gets older he is bound to notice things like that.

Having adult relationships with people who were once our caregivers are very difficult. Often there is baggage carried over from childhood which might be fair or unfair depending on one's view of the situation. Transition is very often ever fully effected.
From what you have written in your OP it seems as though you are acting in a very selfish and shortsighted manner.

Your mother doesn't owe you childcare.
Sometimes as a mother you prioritise your needs toward the child who requires them most. It sounds as though your mother is very concerned about your sister's mental health problems and has prioritised her needs as greater ATM. I know that this might seem on the surface unfair but try to see it from her
Pov.
I understand that you are tired but I imagine she is also completely exhausted on every level.

Why not let your mother organise her own time to suit seeing your ds? At the moment you seem to want to dictate the terms of her relationship with him. Stop expecting her to make this regular commitment, she doesn't appear to want to do it every single week. My dc have good relationships with their grandparents despite only seeing them every few months.

Thank you for replying. I see what some of you are saying. I guess this runs a lot deeper that I originally thought. My sister has been troubled, enraged and abusive for a large part of her life. I am resentful that I have been left to get on with it (including in my childhood) while my mother takes care of other people (my abusive step father, who she daren't leave). I don't feel she owes me childcare - I work, and put my son in nursery for childcare. I was just hoping she might be able to have some special time with just him, like she does her other grandson.

I forget to add that she travels to see my other sister and spends 2 days at a time with my niece and nephew there, I don't feel my DS gets anywhere near that amount of time. But then, like you say, she doesn't owe me that time does she?

I think I need to adjust my expectations of her completely. I was hoping that she and I might be able to have a good relationship after years of turmoil, but maybe I just need to back off. My DS is a happy boy, and does not need my mother righting the wrongs of her past through him for my benefit.

It's worth mentioning that my sister is a functioning person, who has a partner and a home of her own that she has been planning on moving into for a long time now, but she chooses to stay with my mum (rent-free) because she has on-tap chilcare. She doesn't get out of bed in the morning to care for her son, and is verbally abusive towards my mother. I wish she would move out and give her the space she deserves. I wish my mum would put her foot down. Maybe then I would be more comfortable taking my DS over there (without the threat of getting in the crossfire of nasty verbal arguments).

I'm sorry that I said selfish.
It's difficult to see things from someone else's perspective. Impossible really.
I think that the best you can do is try to understand what you really want from your mother.
It sounds like you want her to redeem herself (in your eyes) in her relationship with your son.
In her mind she may feel that she did her best then and is continuing to do so.

Sometimes it's easier to deal with how you personally feel rather than giving people chanes or hoping or working in best case scenarios to fix the problems on going and from the past.
The only thing you can change are your feelings about the situation. I take it that you have calmly spoken to your mother about your hope of a great relationship for her and your son?

Also...just in the posts it sounds as though there is lots of sibling rivalry or disguised bad feeling? Make sure your mother isn't dismissing your genuine issue as "more of the same" or "this old chestnut".
It'll be hard for her to take on board her part in unfairness and if you want her to you'll need o be calm and patient.

Thank you PerryCombover. I really appreciate what you are saying. I think you are right. I have spoken to her about my hopes of a great relationship for her and my son, but in truth, I probably shouldn't have those hopes. They may be misjudged given my past. She can only be to him what she wants to be, and I have no control over that. He just doesn't have many grandparents close by - just my mum and his other Grandma (who is nursing her mother with dementia and has a lot of stuff on her plate too). My dad has never really wanted to know, and my DH's father lives overseas.

I wanted to be able to rely on someone for support too, but in reality, it probably should not be her that I look to for that anymore. She is overwhelmingly consumed with her very complicated life. I just can't shake this feeling that had she not left my dad, married a lunatic, etc etc none of this would be happening. I want some normality for my children because I didn't get much. It's all much bigger and more emotional a problem than I at first gave it credit for.

As for the sibling rivalry - you are right. It's hard to like my sister when I have seen her be so mean to my mother. I have to step right back from that because it is not easy to keep an open mind when I am being told by my mum on a regular basis how hard it is living with her.

From now on, I plan on keeping calm and trying to let this go. I am desperately trying to protect my son from something I don't need to - he has two parents that love him and can keep him safe, and that should be enough.

She let you down when you were a child, and now she is letting your DS down.

She is still the same person she ever was. She will treat your DS no better than she was able to treat you.

Is that what you want for him? I think not. It might be time for you to give up the hope that she will ever be able to provide your DS with the "special time" you had in mind for the two of them.

What Hotdamn wrote.

This is also not AIBU; some people who fortunately come from families where this type of dysfunction is unknown do not or cannot accept that such stuff can happen within other families.

You want your son to have a relationship with his grandmother but at the same time do not want to expose him to her temper tantrums. This is not logical thinking on your part is it?. I would put it to you that toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents and as such your son could well be emotionally be harmed by her. You as her DD do not fully trust her either. She is also now showing overt favourtism towards her other grandchild (your sister's child). Why get drawn into such power games because power and control is what all this is about at the end of the day (your mother likes keeping your sister dependent on her). It is ok to walk away from all this dysfunction within your birth family and no longer be a part of it, it really is.

Your mother is continuing to let you down in adulthood and the only person she really cares about is her own self. Toxic parents never take any responsibility for their actions but are more than happy to blame others for their inherent ills.

Can you arrange to have a hospital birth instead?. Would also suggest you find other childcare too.

i really can't understand why you are trying to force your mother, who has already proven to you that she's not really that interested in you, to take an interest in your DS.

you need to be realistic about your mother. she is not going to turn into the perfect fairytale grandparent; like HotDAMN says, she's still the person she always was.

also why would you want your DS spending time with someone like her? it seems like you and her play these extended, painful power games with him stuck in the middle. why expose him to that? also, why would you ask her to care for your DS during the birth if you KNOW she doesn't respect your boundaries?

i think it's time for you to let go of this person and stop giving her opportunities to let you down. she's not going to turn into the mother you deserve.

fwiw i also have uninterested parents and i get it, it hurts. i will tell you the pain becomes less when you stop expecting more from them.