Ex-husband woes - what should I do? (Warning : War and Peace!)

[spacemonkey]

I left my husband almost 5 years ago now, and we have two children who are now 12 and 10.

Recently dd (12) has been behaving very strangely - I'm sure 90% of it is hormones (she's well advanced physically for her age) and typical adolescent behaviour, but along with that she seems angry and resentful by turns towards each of us, she has nightmares and as a result will not sleep on her own (she goes into her brother's room to sleep) and, over the last week or two, she has started sending me text messages and calling me in tears when she is staying at her dad's, telling me things like "dad has thrown me out of the house" or "dad bent my fingers back and I hate him".

I spoke to ex-h (please forgive me if I drop the "d"!) last night and today about dd, and he told me that she has been bombarding him with questions about why we split up. I don't know exactly what he has told her, but, reading between the lines, he has said something along the lines that I left him because he wasn't earning enough money so I went off with someone else. I did start a relationship with someone else which, on the surface of it, caused us to split up - but it was WAY more complicated than that fact might suggest. We also had a lot of financial problems, and yes I did eventually resent him for not getting a job and helping to support us as a family, but it certainly wasn't as simple as he is suggesting!

I have now been faced with a situation where ex-h has vented his spleen about me to our daughter, and she has now asked me to give her my side of the story. Am I wrong in feeling that ex-h was quite wrong to do this, and that it would be totally inappropriate for me to tell dd the gory details of our spectacularly unhappy marriage? In the end I told dd that yes, I did meet someone else (could hardly lie about that one), but that the real reason we split up was that I didn't love dad any more and we hadn't been getting along for many years. I also tried to explain to her that to go into any more detail would not be right as it would entail me saying some unpleasant things about him, and I don't think it is right to badmouth him in front of the children, because, whatever I think of him, he is their dad and loves them (and vice versa). I also added that the break up had been partly my fault and partly his, that it was very sad, and that I am very sorry for my part in it for all the unhappiness that it has caused.

I feel absolutely IRATE now that he has been blabbing his big mouth off to our kids in this way. I can't stand to see dd confused, angry and upset like this - am I right to think that at 12 years old she should not be exposed to all this? I'm willing to admit it if I have handled this incorrectly - need some honest feedback please!!!!!!!!!

PS Sorry for the long post

Bringing this back to the top Spacemonkey, so others with greater advice than me can help you!

spacemonkey - i think you have done absolutely the right thing. my mum and dad split when i was pretty young - my mum would bad mouth my dad quite a lot. not only did this upset and confuse me when i was a child, but also in the long term has made me loose some respect for my mum even though my dad was pretty much a real shit. saying that their dad loves them whatever you think of him is absolutely spot on, as i'm sure your daughter needs reassurance at this time - puberty and all. honestly, i really wish my mum had done the same as you!!!!

You're doing the right thing and he's behaving like a jerk. When I was 12 (and a very screwed up 12) my dad made me read through the divorce papers (mainly because he wanted to damage my relationship with my mum). Mum on the other hand did what you did and refused to get into specifics. I ended up cutting off from my dad and his family for about 6 years because I didn't know how else to deal with him (complicated situation but his nastiness about a divorce that took place before I was 3 played a huge part).

I think you need to tackle your ex about what he's done and ask why he thought that was helpful for your DD. It may be the truth as he sees it, but his primary concern should be for the welfare of DD and the ugly details of your relationship aren't good for her to know. Would there be a way you and ex could talk through what's been said and give a more neutral version of events to your DD and perhaps have something prepared for when your other child starts to ask questions?

spacemonkey-IM honest opinion I believe that once a child starts questioning on what happened when their parents split up, it is time to sit them down and tell them the truth.
Your ex-h (gladly leave out the d)has told your dd HIS perception of why you split up.It may not be the whole truth but I think that is what he sees in his own eyes.
You have YOUR perception on why the relationship broke down.
Your dd will be bound to be confused and upset and all I can suggest is the both of you sitting in a room and explaining to your dd together what happened.
This then will probably set her mind at ease and her anger and high emotion of the sitution will subside.
I dont believe in the badmouthing and tell ex straight not to let it happen again, no matter what his or your feelings are for eachother.

Reading between the lines though could it be possible that your dd could be playing you both of at this time, I only say this with the things she is saying what her dad is doing to her.Just a thought.

Thanks for your responses everyone - marialuisa, your story makes my blood run cold ... it must've been terrible for you. Doormat - I think you have a good point about dd partly using the situation to play us off against each other, I think that is definitely happening to a point, which makes it really difficult to know what has actually been said. I talked to her last night, and found out later that she had sneaked the phone upstairs afterwards and called her dad to report what I'd said (and I doubt that she actually said what I'd said if you know what I mean) AAARGH!

You're all right - the three of us need to sit down and talk, although my fear is that tempers could flare and end up making the whole situation worse And I still feel that dd should not be exposed to the gory details of our marriage breakup.

Thanks again for your replies

Spacemonkey, I've got 2 perspectives on this, both as the child of divored parents and as a divorcee. I left ex dh (and he is still dh, it wasn't acrimonious) over 3 years ago and we have one ds, aged 6. I think your h is wrong, very wrong, to share details like this with your dd. I am eternally grateful to my parents for sparing me and my sisters any of the bitterness they felt. As far as we were concerned while we were growing up they had married, had 3 of us, split up but remained amicable and were very careful not to bad mouth each other to any of us. This changed as we became adults and frankly, I wish it hadn't even then - it shouldn't have been our concern. (How my mum kept her mouth shut at times I do not know, knowing now what I didn't then! But there you go, good for her). Anyway, the point is that they remained civilised and didn't slag each other off and I think that really was best for all of us. Partly as a result I think, ex dh and I are the same. I have never said a bad word about him (haven't got one actually, we just weren't compatible, nothing more awful to it than that) and we present a united front to our ds on all issues concerning him. Ds has asked why we split and I have been honest and said we didn't make each other happy and argued too much but that he is a good person and a good friend to me now and that we both love ds. All true too.

I think you have to keep the moral high ground here and I don't think you should retaliate but I think you've done the right thing explaining your side of events as best you can. I would be very irate in your position too but I think the only way your h (do drop the d) is going to listen is if you put it to him that it's best for the children not to hear this and in their interests that he keeps his mouth shut. Maybe find a study or survey that backs this up if he won't listen to your opinion. I think you've absolutely done the right thing and got the tone just right when speaking to your daughter about it. Good luck with appealing to your ex's better nature. Let us know how it goes.