DH & SIL have never had the best relationship with their Dad. The day after DH was born his mum was admitted to hospital for an extreme version of PND, would acknowledge DH, didn't know who he was, so his grandparents looked after him until she came out of hospital (his Dad just didn't know what to do with a newborn), then when DH was about a year old his parents were pregnant with my SIL. Before she was born his Dad left their mum for her best friend - seems that they'd been having an affair behind her back. Their mum was back in hospital with depression and this over the years turned into numerous psyc hospital stays, ELC and all sorts of treatment, eventually diagnosing bipolar which was never properly medicated. When DH & SIL were little their Dad would ask to have them at weekends purely so him and his new wife (their mums friend) could say to the council they needed a house. When they got their house they no longer saw the children - their mum let it happen because she was really mentally unwell. Over the years they saw their Dad at family events and that was about it, he just didn't really bother with them very much. But he's their Dad and to them he is all they have because a few years ago their mum died, due to hospital neglect she walked out in a daze (too many meds, no supervision) and got lost and was found dead in a field. When she died their Dad promised to step up but three years later and we're still waiting.
I said to DH that if he started making more of an effort himself then maybe his Dad would too. Nothing. He would call him once or twice a week for a chat to either get no answer, a conversation cut short or his wife saying that he wasn't home or (my favourite) "in bed with a bad back" (because everyone knows how hard it is to talk when you have a bad back). He would try to arrange to meet up to only get cancellations. We suspect that his wife may be a contributing factor as they now have their own family and she comes across as quite controlling - yet I can't quite believe any woman would sway her man enough not to see his children.
DD was born last November and since then he has seen her twice (he lives 8 miles away). This concerns us because we want her to have a happy relationship with her grandfather (and abeit it is strained with his wife her too) and quite frankly to know who he is. DH had a chat with his Uncle and told him how he felt and his Uncle had a chat to DH's Dad and basically said "you've always been rubbish with your kids but now is the time to man up and be thankful for what you have". So finally one of DH's phone calls was returned and we met up with his Dad and wife (this was the 2nd time they saw DD), it was quite strained but we persisted and asked to meet up with them again. He said....email me. So we emailed him with some potential dates and agreed this coming Saturday. We said perhaps a picnic at the park but he said no that we should go to his mums (DH's Nan) so we could meet in a mutual place (I kid you not).
DH has been trying to get hold of his Dad for the last week to arrange a time and is not getting a response at all and he has tried A LOT (including good old facebook which he can see he has been onto). We bumped into his Nan a couple of days ago and she knew nothing about it so we made arrangements with her but still haven't been able to get hold of his Dad.
I basically said he's a grown man and shouldn't need chasing and why don't we just wait and see how it plays out, so DH isn't going to contact him now and will see if his Dad does make an effort. What would you do? Should we be trying harder?
In addition DH doesn't want his Dad to be so rubbish with DD. So what would you do? I know you can never have too many grandparents but will she even know who he is apart from by looking at photos?
DH talks about not bothering with him anymore, but it's his Dad you know and I just want to give him a big old slap (or talking to!) to get him to see sense. I'm fed up too because I hate seeing DH go through this.