Less than a year ago, my dp became friends with a woman through a mutual hobby. Despite the fact he has other female friends, my initial feeling was one of unease, I can't explain why I felt this as I never have felt like this before or since. She very quickly became a huge part of our life together, in the fact he was always talking about her, texting her, planning things with her and spending every evening talking to her online. We had a few rows about this and the next time he went out with another friend she went too, but, he decided to keep it secret from me, I knew, but, gave him the opportunity to tell me, but, he didn't until I confronted him and he said he had done it to spare my feelings and avoid another row.
From that point, I became suspicious and to my shame I started constantly checking up on him, looking at his computer history, text messages and call history. The things I found, I felt were flirty and crossed the line, especially as this woman is married too. Cue another few months of almost constant rowing, increased aggression and my suspicions spiralling out of control, he was unwilling to listen to my feelings and dismissed them and I became an emotional wreck.
A few months back, I reached a point where I issued him an ultimatum, it was either me or his friendship, sometimes I can't quite believe I said that, but, I felt like my sanity was at stake. I'm not a controlling person, i'm not demanding of his time, love, money, affection and he's always had as much freedom as is possible with having children, but, I felt at breaking point. After another aggressive row, he agreed to end the friendship. I spent my time after that trying to become the perfect person for him and trying to win his trust back, he became more hostile and angry, I could ask him a simple question and he would scream in my face and walk out on me, life became hell and all the while I had a nagging doubt that something was going on as lots of little things didn't add up.
8 weeks later I discovered he had never ended the friendship, he just kept it secret, they had designated times to call and text each other everyday (this is when he stopped contacting me in the daytime) which were deleted afterwards, when he went out, he went out with her and told me he was going somewhere different. Their friendship only ended when at some point her husband became suspicious as she lied about where she was, my dp willingly ended it to save their marriage, but, wouldn't do it to save our own and this is the bit I can't quite get my head round. I've since met her and she said she didn't think my dp would have told me anytime soon about their friendship if I hadn't have found out.
I don't know how to get passed this, the fact he never once considered my feelings, that he would lie to my face, that i'm now left scared to talk to him because of the way he's been with me and that he let me believe I was going insane rather than tell me the truth, which I think is cruel. I know i've brought a lot of this on myself and I am to blame for forcing him into lying to me. I'm not (despite how this may read) a horrible person and some of the things I have done have been so out of character for me. I really want our relationship to work, but, I don't know how to make it work or get it back on track.
Sorry this is so long :(