Is it too much to expect my DH to fancy me?

[MrsSad]

Please bear with me, this is long. I am struggling to get my head around this situation with DH. We have been together for nearly 20 years. When we first met, I was the thinnest I had been in my life to that point and since. I had always been a chubby kid, not fat but not slim. In the first year or so that we were together, I can't remember if we were engaged or not, he said he never thought he would end up with someone like me, he thought it would be a tall, athletic "hardbody" (the opposite of me). On another occasion he said that if I gained 20lbs he would probably leave me as he would not find that attractive. Aside from those two comments, he was very loving, although not lavish with compliments, rarely said I looked nice, unless asked etc. I gained 10lbs a couple of years in and I struggled with 10-15lbs for years, never getting back to my fighting best but he didn't mention it. After the kids were born, I was 3-4 stone overweight for a few years then I made a huge effort and lost the weight bringing me close to my thinnest. Over the past few years I've bounced around 10lbs up and down (mostly up). It's really hard work for me as I am not at all athletic and put on weight really easily. I generally feel okay about myself though, I'm in my early 40s, short with big boobs. I'm usually a size 8 or 10 but I have a big wobbly post-c-section belly which I hate.

Anyhoo, DH has been making a few comments over the past year about how we've both let ourselves go and we need to get back to where we were a few years ago. He said we had pretty much got back to being fat again. I was a bit shocked because I'm nowhere near where I was - I'm at least 3 stone lighter. He's mentioned this a few times, always about both of us.

Over the Easter weekend we were at a party with friends who were at university with DH. I met them after about a year of being with DH, when I still looked great. Then I didn't meet them again for another year. At the party, everyone except me (driving) was a bit drunk and the husband of the friend couple inadvertently insulted his own DW. To defuse the situation and make a joke of it, I said "oh well you know what DH said to me when we were first together about my weight". The husband said "what? I can't believe he told you that." After some confusion, it turned out that when I met the couple for the second time, my DH had said to the friend on the way to meet me "you might not recognise [me] as she's put on about a stone since you met"!!!! I felt like I'd been slapped in the face.

I feel betrayed that he would insult me to another person, he has never done this as far as I know. If I had found out about it at the time, I would have dumped him without a doubt.

I know it was nearly 20 years ago, DH can't remember saying it and says he doesn't know why he said it. When I told him about it though he said "well there's always been issues of weight between us". I've just come to the realisation that my husband has not found me actually attractive for most of our life together. He definitely loves me and he says things like "you're the coolest person I know" and "I want to be with you for the rest of my life" but he never says I'm beautiful or sexy. I've always just assumed he thought I was even though he didn't say it. Our sex life has always been good. Now I don't want him to touch me. I have always found him attractive, even when he was at his heaviest. I can't get past the fact that he loves me in spite of how I look. I waver from thinking I should just get over it, not be so vain and be grateful that we have a good relationship to thinking I wish I'd never married him and married someone who actually fancies me. I'm not sure there's much point discussing it with him - I'm not generally in favour of discussing "issues" unless there's something that can be changed. He would be very uncomfortable if I raise this with him. It's not something he can change about himself. I'm going to try to get in better shape but I'm still feeling confused and hurt and we haven't had sex since. I don't want to do it but I know if I want to stay together I'll need to sort it.

I can't get past the fact that he loves me in spite of how I look

And there was I thinking that the majority of us want to be loved for who we are rather than what we look like

Of course your dh fancies the pants off you - if he hadn't your sex life would not have always been good - but he sounds like the type of man who values the woman he's married for a lot more than mere looks and dishes out compliments accordingly.

As for the 'insult - what insult? If you had put on a stone between your first and second meeting with this couple it seems to me that your dh made the type of remark that any caring soul might make in order to spare your blushes if they did a double take on seeing you again - and 20 years on surely your happy marriage speaks for itself?

Out of curiousity, do you tell your dh on a regular basis what a devilishly handsome chap he is and how you can't wait to jump his bones? If not, may I suggest you do so now and match your words with actions

Well I think it's a weird comment to make - a stone in weight gained would not change your appearance that much that someone wouldn't recognise you or would even look surprised. And it sounds like your dh has some significant issues about weight and body image, both his and yours, if he thinks that at a size 8-10 you could possibly be described as fat. You should tell him, in so many words, that you are fine as you are and to stop going on about your supposed weight gain, and shut him down if he brings it up again. And possibly suggest counselling.

But I'm sure he does fancy you. I'm sure most of us don't think our partners are the embodiment of physical perfection. But we fancy them just the same because we love them, and there's chemistry, and we just do.

izzyizin I have assumed for the past 20 years that it was both, tbh. I'm not gorgeous but I don't have any self-esteem issues and frankly, I don't think I would have settled for someone thinking I was only getting half the package. That's part of my problem, I'm feeling very confused about how I should feel about this. Imagine you found out your DH cheated on you 20 years ago but had been faithful since. Wouldn't it undermine your feelings about the 20 years you spent together? I know my situation isn't that extreme but I wouldn't have married him if I had known he felt that way so there is a parallel.

alarkaspree thank you. DH is a scientist and very rational. I could actually believe he would think I score highly enough across his matrix of requirements that he would love me even though he doesn't fancy me much. Also, someone else posted an interesting point on another thread about men not leaving relationships because sex with any woman is better than masturbating. I am thinking about having the conversation you've suggested and it would help a little for him to stop talking about it but I would still know that he feels that way inside.

Sorry but you do sound like you do have self esteem issues. Your link to a post about masturbating was a bit odd.

Oh Mrs Sad, don't be sad! I admit, I wouldbe a little upset if my dh had said something like that, but it was so long ago. My dh is a little like yours too-weight obsessed. After having Ds, I was 2 stone over and he did make some comments but I'd turn it back on him, saying 'I don't remember youhaving YOUR belly when we married' and he'd soon stop. Or I'd say 'at least I have a baby to show for mine'. It was said in jest, and having a laugh would quickly diffuse the situation. Also, agree with previous poster that if he didn't fancy you, or find you sexy, you wouldn't have a 'good' sex life!

The most worrying thing about all of this is that you say you cannot talk to your DH abour "issues".

I am not sure that your comment "It's not something he can change" means he can't talk and this is what he can't change, or his attitude to weight that he can't change.

What's wrong is that you are upset and can't or won't tell him why.