Please help me to get a grip...

[DionFortune]

I've namechanged for this, though am a regular on this board, and I really need some (gentle) arse kicking as I'm doing my own head in now and I am getting myself into a state over nothing. I'm very emotional at the moment and I don't know what to do or think to stop tying myself up in knots. Apologies if it's a long one.

I have been with my DH for four years and we have one DS (aged 1) and I have a DD from my previous marriage. My ex-h was abusive, mainly EA but sometimes physical and over the 8 years I was with him, he crushed my confidence and it took a long time for me to recover emotionally, I still am in some ways. Previous boyfriends also cheated on me and I met some total loons when internet dating before I met DH. Basically pre DH I was a total wanker magnet.

Now, my DH is wonderful, and this is the only healthy relationship I have ever had and the best by miles. He is an amazing Dad and Stepdad, he is kind, funny and we are mostly really happy. He is also tall, sexy and very good looking. My friends all fancy him and this hasn't bothered me and I've just agreed when they say how gorgeous he is and felt proud, as he is! He never looks at other women when we are together and has never been even mildly flirty in any way, shape or form with anyone.

I have had many insecurities to deal with since we've been together, and he has been mostly patient and listened to me when I've had a problem and we have worked through a lot together. I have had a couple of bouts of depression in that time and have been probably fairly hard work at times, I know, but pretty chilled the rest of the time. I had a bit of a jealous freak out before we got married about his stag night plans but we worked through it and for the most part I've been ok since.

One of the only problems we have had was with the physical side of our relationship. I seemed to have a higher sex drive than him and this caused a few problems as I would find his rejection hard to take. He is physically affectionate back when I instigate it but isn't particularly demonstrative and I found this, combined with the lack of sex, affected my confidence. Our sex life tailed off completely when I had DS and is only now starting to get back on track.

About 6 months ago he confessed to me that he used porn regularly, which I was upset about, we agreed to make more of an effort together, but it didn't really happen, and I had put it to the back of my mind.

Part of how I am feeling now is to do with finding his porn stash a couple of weeks ago. It was (stupidly) on an external hard drive and mostly consisted of fairly softcore images of girls in underwear posing and a few videos of girls stripping. It did bother me when I found them, mainly as there were fucking hundreds of photos, a proper collection, maybe a hundred or more folders with 150 or so pics of each girl getting more naked. I was also reading a thread on here at the same time about iPhones having a record of sites visited, so I decided to look on his phone. There were quite a few sites on there, with more hard core stuff and one of the cookies was a webcam site. I waited till he got home the next day and I confronted him, as I didn't know if it was a pop up or not as there were links on my phone's memory of sites I hadn't visited so knew it could be.

He was extremely mortified as you can imagine and swore blind that he would never go onto a webcam site and that he saw that as cheating, and I do believe him. I think the main reason he likes porn is that it requires no interaction and he's not the most sociable person anyway and the site was a known one for aggressive pop ups. I was pretty tough with him and told him that if he wanted to have a successful marriage then he needed to start channelling his sexual energy into our sex life and not masturbating on his own, and it does feel as though we've had a bit of a breakthrough since and have had loads more sex, which has been the best ever and I am hopeful that this is the kick up the arse he needed.

But I'm still a mass of insecurities! I feel so insecure about the way I look I could cry (and have tonight, lots). I feel fat, and old and I hate looking in the mirror. The pictures of the girls upset me more than the more hard stuff tbh, just the thought of him looking at these thin, pretty, blonde girls and actually wanking over them makes me feel sick. I used to be thin, and pretty and now I'm getting older every day, feel like no man would ever look at me and I can never compete with his fantasy.

We have talked at length about it since and now I feel like I'm just going over it, and I know that isn't healthy and that I need to move on. He has said he doesn't want to use it (porn) any more and that he will continue giving our relationship the attention it deserves and I know I just have to trust him.

I asked him if he looked at other women in real life and he said he did, but not in a lechy way, just in a 'noticing' way, but this comment has run away with itself in my head! I went to see him at work earlier and made a real effort with my appearance, as he works mainly with women and I have recently felt inwardly a bit insecure about a girl he works with. He has done absolutely nothing to cause this, apart from mention her as he does any other colleague and she was lovely and friendly to me, but I definitely got the sense that she fancied him, but she tried to hide it well. There was also another girl who gave him the batting lashes while I was there, and seeing him though their eyes in his suit, with his gorgeous stubble I can see why!

So I stupidly mentioned this to him, and that I still feel insecure in the hope that he would reassure me, but he's now getting understandably annoyed and told me that I need to get a grip. I know he's right and that focusing on the negative and my paranoia can't end well, but I am really struggling to get some perspective about this. Things have been better between us and I don't want to ruin that but if I don't get myself under control I'm going to ruin everything. I feel so emotional about this and keep crying, which makes me feel even more pathetic and needy, which is making me feel even more unattractive.

Please help me before I ruin my marriage and my own self esteem. How can I feel attractive when I feel that I've lost my looks and am fat, ugly and worthless?

Thank you if you've made it this far, sorry it turned into an essay.

Bumping as I really need advice.

Hi Dion,

The positives are - firstly - it is good that you are both talking to each other about this issue, and good that you both want to sort it out. That means there is a lot of hope for the future.

Secondly - good also that you are making an effort with your appearance when you see him (you do sound, as you say yourself, that you have little self esteem). I would say keep going to town on this - to make YOU feel good about yourself, as well as when you see him. ALWAYS dress up. EVERY DAY. Don't save your "nice" clothes for a special occasion - get them out!!! Get your hair done, buy some new make up, treat yourself a bit - and walk tall.

Make a (basic) plan to make yourself feel better. ie a little exercise every couple of days, a reward such as a new top if you eat healthily for a couple of days....

I think this is a situation that can really improve, in time.

I think this also could be a case where a short term course of couple's counselling - ie relate, could really help you both move forward, since you are both keen to move forward.

I can never compete with his fantasy

Why do you think that this is what is required? By definition, a fantasy is not and can never be real.

Your DH does seem to have made a lot of the right moves: reassuring you, being mortified by your discovery of his porn stash, stating that he no longer wants to use porn, and making a concerted effort to improve your sex life.

If he's making these efforts, it is because he values you: you, the ageing woman who is not a blonde fantasy, but the flesh and blood woman who he shares a life and children with.

What can you do for you to value yourself a bit more?

Hi Dion,
Felt I had to reply to your post cos I just want to give you a big hug! Your DH sounds like a lovely guy (bar the porn, but I guess we all have flaws), which he said he'd stop using. I don't have time to post in detail, but didn't want to read and go. I think you need to improve your self-esteem issues (which is perfectly natural after having a baby, never mind previous ea) because it really might drive DH away. he is with YOU cos he wants to be. It is clear he's completely in love with you and you need to start believing that.

I think you need counselling to help with your confidence and self esteem. It really helps.

Thank you so much for your kindness and advice, it means a lot and has really helped. The mad thing is, I've come so far and my self esteem is probably better than it ever has been now, but I know I still have a long way to go. I just need to start enjoying my life and my marriage instead of thinking its all lost all the time.

I probably read too much on here as well, and it's hard not to identify with similar threads, especially with the porn.

I do love him so much and he's not let me down yet, I just need to learn to trust him, I know.

My instinct is that individual counselling would be a really great place for you to start, to talk about all the stuff that bothers you and begin to feel a way into greater strength and security yourself. Partly I say this because you and your H seem to communicate quite usefully already, so maybe start with a bit of you space with a really terrific counsellor you can really trust.

I've been on relationships more then usual lately and its really depressing reading about all the affairs, lying etc. It makes it seem as though all relationships are doomed and everyone is being deceitful which of course isn't true.

Perhaps it would be best to not read those for a while. Give yourself a chance to get your head together. The counselling would be great idea. It really helped me.

It sounds as though you've possibly always had low self esteem judging by your previous relationship so counselling could explore where that comes from and why you were attracted to your exs.

I'm a bit puzzled by the inference that you're feeling this way because you've got 'issues' and it makes me sad that women think it's unreasonable or a sign or paranoia to feel the way you do.

Your husband was using porn in preference to sex with you.

I seriously doubt that a man posting that he had felt rejected over a long period of time because his wife was using porn and masturbating instead of sex with him would be advised to get a grip and get counselling to help him with his issues, as though the problem was trivial and all in his head.

It wasn't stupid to talk about your insecurities about RL women with your husband. That was a perfectly normal response IMO. His actions have led to you feeling that he needs something external to prop up his sexuality and porn users will often regress to infidelity with someone in RL.

I don't think it's enough to insist he won't use porn again and expect you to forget the past. You were cheated out of a sex life for a long time, because of his selfish actions. If he's now getting irritated with you and projecting guilt on to you for feeling understandably insecure and a bit broken by what's happened, it's not a good sign. It's got you thinking you're being unreasonable, possessive and clingy when in fact you're just having a normal response to very shitty behaviour over a long period of time. I also think it would be remarkable for someone who meticulously filed such a large stash of porn to give it up that easily. He sounds as though he was addicted to the whole enterprise and invested a lot of time in it.

It doesn't sound as though your conversations have ever dealt with why he did this and I think that's crucial. There is something about him that pulls him away from his relationship to seek external stimulus. That could be a fear of intimacy, selfishness (in that he preferred the lazy route to an orgasm, rather than efforts having sex with you) and thinking that your sexuality is less important than his own. I don't think stuff like that goes away overnight with a promise not to use porn any more.

I agree that you should ask him why he was choosing to masturbate instead of have sex with you.

I think you are right about the counselling, and I do recognise that my jealousy and paranoia are problematic but I do feel like im struggling the reconcile the him in my head with the 'real' him iykwim?

Thank you for your post too Hatty, I really appreciate your point of view. I do feel somewhat invalidated and that it's just something I need to get over and it's good to know I do have reason to be upset over the porn.

I haven't had an issue with it before really, but him choosing that, or 'them' above me is something I'm not prepared to accept.

I did ask him why he used it, and he said it was because he feels that when he's tired (from 9pm usually, he goes to bed at 10) sex feels like a mountain to climb.

So, I've been trying to make it so that we can just do other things other than full sex, and it's been better than before and I've been trying to talk to him about what I like or think we could do.

Im feeling a bit upset today though, as I shared some of my fantasies with him last night, just for 5 minutes before he was due to go to bed, then said we could continue talking tomorrow, and he pulled a pained expression and groaned then said "can't I have a night off?"

He seems to prefer Sudoku.

I don't think you're paranoid at all. I think you're responding in a normal way to a series of threats. The same for your 'jealousy'. It's not unreasonable. It's just an emotion like anger, sadness or joy. It's not wrong if it's a response that is proportionate to the circumstances.

He is very selfish if he sees his orgasm as more important than intimacy with you. He seems to describe sex as another chore - and he seems to regard talking to you as a chore too. He sounds extremely detached from your relationship actually - and very manipulative. All this sighing, groaning, pained expressions and the earlier anger at your concerns are really an attempt to convince you that it's you with the problem, not him. He seems to be role-playing the long-suffering husband married to a clingy and possessive wife and you seem to be falling for it and casting yourself in that role too.

I'd be very interested to see what else is going on in his life that you don't know about. I think your instincts about his workplace were spot-on.