Coming to terms with loss

[juniper12]

Has anyone got any advice on dealing with loss - grief - how to come to terms with your own choices?

Over the last few years, I just seem to have lost everything. A dear friend, a remarkable gentle I loved dearly, through cancer. A parent, same thing, awful to watch someone you love and not be able to protect them or reassure them from the huge terrible thing that is coming. I miss them very much.

My relationship with my partner's child - I never seemed to work out what to do for the best. They have now left home - they are happy and well, but the relationship I would have wanted with them - it won't be possible. My partner has the love and closeness; I watch from the sidelines.

I would very much like a child of my own, for so many reasons. But my partner is adamant that won't happen. He was fair - told me from the start. I didn't mind because I felt the same - my feelings only changed as our relationship detailed, and then losing a parent, it makes you think about things.

I know what you are meant to do - keep busy; keep healthy; think about people less fortunate than myself - I still have a partner and my other parent doesnt'. But there is this terrible blackness inside, every day, behind the smiles and howareyous etc. My GP was willing to pump me with a lot of Prozac. I complied for a while but I don't think I am sad because my thinking is distorted, I think I'm sad because I see the truth about things. I hate waking up in the morning, but must keep going for my other parent.

I'm so sorry, not sure if this is the right board to post about these things. Just would like to know if anyone else has experienced similar and found a way to get through the days.

Forgive the lack of pronouns; trying to keep it vague as a namechanger.

You are grieving, it is natural and it does heal in time.

I have bad days. Both my parents are dead now, my FIL died in tragic circumstances too. My dad died 18 years ago but Mum and FIL died only 3 years ago (6 months apart) and both were unexpected huge shocks.

I also only have stepchildren, and despite ten years of trying, we have been unable to have kids together, and as I am now 42, it is highly unlikely to happen, which is something I am finding hard to come to terms with. I have a close relationship with my stepson, but my stepdaughters are both much closer to their mum understandably, but that can hurt at times as I do feel left out, but they also dont have a close relationship with my husband too, and he feels the hurt as well.

All I can say is things get easier, life changes, our interests change, as do our priorities, and you do start to become more accepting of what you have rather than dwelling on those you have lost and what you havent got.

I am planning the next few decades in a more positive light.. no ties so no restrictions on travel, holidays with my husband, holidays with girlfriends.. I have a busy social life and I am never ever bored.

Thank you for your thoughts, Squeakytoy. You sound like a very strong person. Can't really say more now but thank you and good luck on your next steps.

Grief is individual so yours won't be the same as the next persons - and your relationships are individual also - the relationship you had with your dad won't be the same as another etc.

You have to roll with the punches and let the feelings come. Hopefully you will begin to accept the reality of your loss. Worden talking a lot about grief being work - you have to work hard to get through it, try googling him - it might be that it helps you make some sense of your feelings.

It sounds like you have had an awful lot to deal with and no one would find this easy :(

Thanks, pooinpeace
At least your name made me smile:-)

:) it's true I definitely can't x

juniper12 The worse thing that you can do is to try and "fight" grief!

Honour your loved ones; you are not compelled to "keep busy and healthy." You must go through the process of loss - recommend reading "The Seven Stages of Grief." You will have to google it as don't know how to share!

With very best wishes!

Hi juniper, I haven't got any answers but just wanted to say, I am nearly exactly the same as you. I have lost both parents, two friends and other relatives/loved ones over the last few years and I am just going through the motions too. I also don't think I am depressed; its just the reality of life. Unlike you I am childfree so at least that is not a problem. I think the only answer is to get through one day at a time, and hope life looks worthwhile again eventually. I can't think of another answer. Sending my love for what its worth.

Hi any who are still there - sorry haven't got back to you until now, just been overloaded with work but your words are much appreciated.

Pony, I am very sorry for your losses. There are so many people who feel like us, I am sure - who are just functioning and keep their sadness inside. It's just hard to find them - I don't know about you but I don't have close friends to whom I can confide my feelings.

Pony you must remember you are doing well just to get up and get through each day. That is how I am trying to see it. I am going through a dark tunnel and don't know what, if anything, will remain at the end.

Take care x