Advice please - soon to be Ex husband wants me to tell my son i ended it.

[ijustdont]

Looking for some advice please. My marriage had been dead for a while from my point of view and now when me and my ex talked about he saw it to. I was seeing someone else towards the end of my marriage which is what pushed me to call it a day........ My ex dont live here anymore and i have told my eldest son who is 9 about me having a "boy friend" he is really fine with it and wants to meet him. I tild my ex tonight that our son knew, his reaction wasnt great but he has now said that i am to tell my son that i was the one that fell out of love with daddy and i wanted him to move out.... it is me or does that just cause more issues to a child that seems to be coping really well with it.

Tricky one... at 9 he is old enough to be asking questions, and old enough to be told the truth, even if it is said very simply and without complicated in depth detail.

I can understand your husbands hurt to be fair, and if your son is blaming his Dad for leaving, then I think you have to be honest and tell your son that you asked him to move out, rather than he left of his own accord.

Lying about things like this can lead to a lot of long term relationship damage.. as I know only too well with my stepchildren, who are now grown up but still believe the lies that their mother told them about why she split with their dad.

Thank you, my son dont blame him at all...... i have thought about it and why its all about being honest then im going to be. I know my son well and will do it in a way that he can undertand and not damaged him to much.

My ex wanted me to tell the children that we were separating, and maintained that if they asked him, he would tell them that it was my decision and not what he wanted. This was just another example of his emotional abuse and passive aggressive behaviour. In the end, when we were in separate bedrooms and it must have been glaringly obvious to the girls anyway (they were 9 and 11 then), I told them that we were separating because we didn't make each other happy. They accepted this, and three years on we are much happier without tiptoeing around him, even though they still see him every week and enjoy spending time with him. He IS hard work though, and they are old enough to realise this.

When they are much older, I will tell them a little more, if they ask, but never the full picture.

Tough one. I wish that my dad had told me the real reasons that he left my mum. He left when i was 12, and i wish i had known then.
I know now, but i spent a long time not knowing and it would have been better if i knew.

We told him that Mummy and daddy didnt love each other anymore and he has accepted this..... but now my ex has finally moved out he wants to tell him that it was all my doing, well i guess it was really as the love/relationship had gone.

Your ex wants your son to know that you are to 'blame' for the relationship ending. This is not a good idea. Your ex is understandably upset and has been deeply hurt. But using the child in this way is not right for the child. He does not need to know the ins and outs of your adult relationships.

Just tell him that whilst you love him very much and daddy loves him very much you and daddy are not going to live together any more. Tell him that you and his dad still care about each other very much but you are not friends the same way that you were before. Tell him that he can talk to you about it any time he likes and if he has any questions you will try to answer them for him.

The boyfriend - it's probably best if you just call him a friend for now. It's very early in that relationship for your son to be involved. Try to spend time on your own with your son and see your boyfriend when you go out or when he is with his dad.

If your ex tells you you have to tell your son it was your decision to split, tell him that you will explain more when he is older but for now it is not in your son's best interests to involve him like that.