Should I leave?

[anon1975]

My DP and I have been together for 4 years and have a 22 month old baby. My DP is fantastic in many ways: he's kind, intelligent, hardworking, and we have many shared interests. Our life together is pretty comfortable, if not very 'sparky'. Perhaps most importantly, he's a wonderful father to my DD.

For a long while though- if I'm honest, before we even had our DD- I've had doubts about our relationship. I don't think I'm in love with him, and our relationship is not very passionate. Lately, we've both been under a lot of work pressure and are trying to move house. He's been bad tempered with me, and my reaction is to think 'I want to leave'.

But leaving would be no small thing. I'd be throwing away a good partnership and a stable (and not obviously unhappy) home for my DD. I can't see how I could afford to live alone and realise that being a lone parent is no mean feat. I'm also not an especially 'happy' or easy going person (I have a history of depression, and am not probably all that laid back), so I wonder how much of this is about our relationship and how much is about me.

Has anybody else out there had to make similar decisions? Did you go? Did you stay? How did it work out?

You're going through a stressful time with the move and a young baby; it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make such a life changing decision at the moment.

He sounds a lovely man. Presumably you did feel that spark before? You loved him when you had a child with him?

Would it be worth having counselling on your own to talk through how you feel? It's a huge decision to make without a lot of consideration.

(Blimey, this is the first time on Relationships that I haven't said "Leave the bastard!")

Maybe because it doesn't sound as if there are any bastards in this story. Just two tired, stressed and slightly depressed people who need to re-connect, with or without external help.

(It does depend on how bad the bad temper is though...)

I think you need to try and make things work, if he is bad tempered, call him on it and tell him it is unacceptable. Don't leave because there is no spark, i dont know many people with a 22 month old child, job pressures and moving house that would even have the ENERGY for spark. Stick it out, it will be worth it, not just for your DD but for you.

I think you should try some counselling before making any big decisions.

I myself often react to stressful situations by wanting to just run away. I had CBT years ago though which really helped me control this. Especially if you have a history of depression, I think you owe it to all of you to seek some treatment first.

Thanks, ImperialBlether. He is a lovely man and I think there was a spark before- but I'm not sure I was ever in love with him. We sort of sleepwalked into our - very comfortable- relationship.

I suppose my concern about counselling is that it would open a box of worms that couldn't be closed!

So you are scared of what might be real so you are living a lie..

What worms? Aren't they best let out if they may be the underlying cause of your depression? And don't you think it's a bit topsy-turvy to be more afraid of counselling than of a divorce?

Oh I felt the same before I went to counseling, I put it off for years.

Please believe me when I say it is SO much better on the other side, honestly.

You won't be forced to go down any paths you don't want to. I only know CBT but it's extremely gentle and gradual usually.

Thanks, Annie. I guess my fear is that the counselling will prompt a divorce- that someone from outside might think that there was not enough to keep me here.

But, yes- I think you're right that it's silly not to try counselling if it could help.

Dreamingbohemian, did you go for relationship issues or depression? I'm glad to hear it helped you.

Both really. It completely changed my life so I'm a bit evangelical about it

No reputable counselor would ever tell you that you should get a divorce.

CBT helps you figure out your mental habits, the reasons why you interpret things in certain ways, what might trigger depression for you. It also helps you figure out how to change mental habits that are causing you problems.

For example, I realised that I was a much more negative person than I had realised, and that this negativity was actually harming a lot of my relationships. But it is possible to stop this negativity, it's a mental habit that you can break like any bad habit.

Dreamingbohemian- thank you very much for sharing your experience. I've suspected for a while that CBT might help me- possibly with some of the same issues you explored. I'm going to look into it.

Good luck

Are you going to be okay in the meantime? It sounds like things are quite stressful at the moment.

Yes- thank you. I'll be ok. I do really appreciate your advice!

Passion and being in love are what people usually feel strongly at the start of a relationship, but these strong emotions gradually settle into something less intense after a few months. This doesn`t mean that the love and passion are no longer there, but rather that the novelty has worn off and everyday, mundane life is looming larger.

Your DP sounds lovely. Perhaps you just need to spend a bit of time together away from daily routine, a short break without your child (if possible) would enable you to focus on each other again and remind you of why you are together. All couples have their ups and downs, and external stress puts a strain on most relationships, but try not to lose sight of all the positive things you have.

You admit that you are not a happy person and suffer from depression. This is colouring the way you see your relationship. No one can expect to spend their life on cloud nine, the in love giddiness is unsustainable. The deep, true love that comes from being with someone who knows you well, faults included, but loves you as you are, is something to be treasured.