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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband is an @rse and think I am going to leave him

24 replies

Nemo1977 · 08/02/2006 22:15

simple as that really. Have been umming and ahhing over it for months and thought it was due to being depressed and pregnant etc etc but now I know it isnt. He really truly is an arse. WE have horrendous money problems and are currently setting up an iva which is one step up from bankruptcy. His job is to pay the debt company and half the mortgage, mine is to pay the bills, other half mortgage and food/cost for kids. Last month he didnt have to pay debt company so had a whole £380 spare so I asked if we could get my car repaired as springs have gone in the boot so getting pram in and out is a nightmare and when pregnant was horrendous. It is also having problems with automatic choke etc..anyways its irrelevant. So he promised to get it done and I have asked and asked so tonight I asked him to give me the money and I would go myself. Turns out he hasnt got it as hes been buying himself dvds and other such crap and wittled away the £380. Now he is shouting at me telling me I treat him like a kid..ermm yeah just a bit!!! He said its ok cos his parents gave us £2000 at xmas[ £1000 of which has to go into the iva] The other £1000 was supposed to be our put to one side emergency fund for if boiler breaks or anything else major and maybe a very cheap family holiday. Now it looks like he is spending that too. I am just at the ed of my tether and think I would be better off without him, he talks to me like I am thick, he doesnt help around house with kids etc, he blames everything on my depression and being 'hormonal' so I just cant see it getting any better.

OP posts:

moondog · 08/02/2006 22:21

Are you still receiving money seperately then?
This seems madness,especially in your situation.
I'm not surprised you want to leave him.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/02/2006 22:23

How infuriating.

Im sorry, i have no advice...

Frizbetheexpansionset · 08/02/2006 22:25

{{{{Big Hugs}}}}} Nemo, didn't realise things were this pants hon, have you tried dragging him to counciling?? may be the brick that's needed around his head? (although I'm guessing that with the IVA thing you may have)

Yummymummy24 · 08/02/2006 22:26

I'd leave him too to be honest but that's onlt from what you've said. He sounds like an irresponsible child and you probly would be better off without him. You're trying to move forward and it sounds as if he's dragging you back. But i don't know either of you and thats just my opinion.

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 08/02/2006 22:26

moondog he gets his wages paid into a seperate account and I get incapacity/dla and child benefit in mine. I am just soo pissed off right now its unbelievable and he is sitting here watching tv like nothing is wrong.

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 08/02/2006 22:27

Actually I dont blame you. Unless he grows up and learns to be responsible for himself he can never be part of a worthwhile relationship.

LoveMyGirls · 08/02/2006 22:27

sounds like you have made up your mind and it sound slike its the only option i dont think you could possibly be any worse off finacially tbh and it sounds like its his fault so why should you and your children suffer. whats your plan of action?

moondog · 08/02/2006 22:28

Nemo,would find it very very hard indeed to forgive a man who puts his childish urges for dvds and suchlike above the needs of hiswife and child.
Bloody unforgivable.

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 08/02/2006 22:38

he geuninely cant see what he has done. sorry just been arguing again. He says that he just spent it and didnt think about it. So just told him it wasnt his money to spend and that he has to transfer the £2000 into my account as soon as possible. It is just making me soo angry as I am selling stuff on here and ebay in order to put clothes on my kids and food in the cupboard and hes bloody buying crap

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 08/02/2006 22:41

make him transfer the money then boot him out!

LoveMyGirls · 08/02/2006 22:42

hes not a hcild he knows what hes done he knows the mess you are in and he knows his kids need stuff, what a selfish tw*t id be fuming!

expatinscotland · 08/02/2006 22:45

That SUX, Nemo. Sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for ANY partner - male or female - who has a family and then doesn't put the needs of that family first. Before everything.

And not helping w/the family they create is another issue that would be a deal breaker for me.

Hope you get some resolution soon.

doormat · 08/02/2006 22:47

nemo sorry to hear this, agree that he needs to stop being childish and grow up
xxx

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 08/02/2006 22:50

just wish I didnt love him so much..although god knows why!! I am seeing less and less things that are positive about him and am used to coping with the kids on my own so what is there to stay for!!

OP posts:

ebbie22 · 08/02/2006 23:06

Oh hun,I am really feeling for you...As u may know my relationship with my husband has always had its rocky stages and only sat just gone i couldnt take anymore and knew i had to leave...Know dont get me wrong my dh is a fantasic dad but sometimes needs to think like a mum for a while[iuswim]...Fortantly we are going to give it our last chance,which means giving it all we have got and if it doesnt work then we will both know we tried everything...
Only u know how u feel,how long its been going on for and how long u have felt the way u have...Sometimes love just isnt enough and it doesnt matter how hormonal others may think u r,u know whatu have to do...
One peice of advice though is when u have made ur decision stick to it,dont let him walk all over u,is there somewhere u or he could stay to give u both a reflection on ur marrige???
Email me hun if u want a chat,though am more than happy to reply on here or dec group xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mummytosteven · 09/02/2006 08:54

sorry things are so bad. only thing I can think of to say is to speak to CAB/Tax Credits to see what your financial position would be if you split up. IIRC you were having traumas last year with the Tax Credits; possibly CAB could see if you there is anything more you can do to sort that out.

BudaBabe · 09/02/2006 08:59

Sorry things are so bad Nemo.

I would be more pissed off that he couldn't see what he had done wrong than the actual money.

Nothing to suggest I'm afraid - just sympathy.

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 09/02/2006 10:10

thanks all
well he has apoligised this morning although I do think it is more of a begrudging thing. I dont know what to do mainly due to financial things like the IVA etc. Who knows what will happen but thanks all for the support. Good to know it wasnt just me thinking it was out of order. Had a bit of a rubbish day generally yesterday so maybe things were worse because of that.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 09/02/2006 10:35

can you get him to get a refund on the dvds or sell them - maybe that would make him realise that is not his money to fritter - not when he has children to support.

Bella23 · 09/02/2006 10:41

Nemo - sorry hon didn't know you were having problems.
I think you need to sit down with him (perhaps on neutral ground) just the 2 of you and hash it out. Once you've discussed the issues you need to get a pen and paper and make a plan.
It sounds anal but it works if you can both see in black and white what each of you needs to do.
A simple plan showing what money is needed for bills etc and where the money is going to come from to pay them etc.
Sometimes seeing it written down makes it more real.
Good Luck xx

joec · 10/02/2006 19:46

nemo hope you work things out xx

biglips · 10/02/2006 19:52

nemo - didnt realised things were bad for you ....... hope you can get it sorted out for once an all!

is he by any chance depressed himself?

biglips · 10/02/2006 19:53

coz sometimes people spend and spend and cant see what they are doing wrong in front of them cos they are depressed

did he get the job BTW?

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 11/02/2006 10:37

thanks all
well we have had a bit of a chat and he now agrees he was wrong. He cant take any of ths stuff back as he has opened it etc however I have told him to get a box of stuff together and I will sell it on ebay/ take it to cash converters..lol He isnt happy but has agreed.
As for where our relationship goes from here I really dont know.

OP posts:

Flip