Feeling really upset- conversation with x

[Lazydaisy55]

My son has stopped wanting to visit his father as he usually does every other weekend. I have spoken to him about this, if I had wanted to I could have made major "point scoring" comments against his father, but I didn't, just sorted out things with my son and gave neutral advice.
Cut to today, me son and x met in a cafe to have a discussion in a neutral setting. Last night his wife was texting me saying how upset x was. I replied to x, after experiencing nasty threatening behaviour from wife I don't reply to any contact from her. When son had gone to the toilet, x's whole attitude changed, he was snarling in my face demanding to know why I had ignored HIS WIFE
When she had txd me!!!! Told him she had nothing to do with him and that I had replied to him so what was the problem? He then carried on saying it had everything to do with him because he is married to her. I pointed out that my only link to him was our son which is why I was there.
Sorry this is rambling, but at one point I thought he was going to hit me. Son returned to the table ans saw how his father was acting towards me. I am upset that he acted in such a horrible way to me and that my son saw it. He actually told his father off for his behaviour, cue x putting the nice daddy face back on!
Rant over.

Your X sounds like a prize dick and him and his wife a good match for one another. How old is your DS? I am not sure of the exact age but there comes a point at which the courts regard DC as old enough to decide for themselves that they want little or no contact with a parent; presumably your DS wants less contact because your XP is behaving unpleasantly to him. Certainly the best way to deal with your XP and his DW is to remind them, calmly, that you will not deal with them if they can't behave civilly, and walk away/put the phone down/ignore emails and texts which are abusive.

Son is 13, I have told x that son now wants to go out with friends etc at the weekend. I think that son is also beginning to realise what sort of person his dad is, makes me feel sad for him.

Son is 13, I have told x that son now wants to go out with friends etc at the weekend. I think that son is also beginning to realise what sort of person his dad is, makes me feel sad for him.

Ideally everyone in a parenting situation would get along but it's stupid to assume or insist that the step mum must be involved. I think you handled it well..you don't have to respond to the ex's wife and his aggressive behaviour was unnecessary. Hopefully this is a one off as no one needs to accept that behaviour.

I do think 13 is a sensitive age and maybe friends are important to your son but a relationship with his dad, at this stage, is also positive. The dad also needs to accept that there will be changes to the contact routine and not to take it too personally. Do you an agreement in place or is flexible?

Whilst a 13 year old can decide not to see his dad I wouldn't encourage it (unless there are safety concerns) as the decisions we make as teenagers are often not in our best long term interests. My dd went through a stormy stage with her dad at around the same age but they both worked through it and now have a positive relationship.

Good Luck - it's not easy having to deal with an ex (they are usually an ex for a reason) but try not to let it upset you too much. DH's ex is very volatile and I am not used to aggressive people so her rants always shook me. I have learned however that I can control the way I feel so I now ignore the behaviour. It's like dealing with a out of control toddler, you just need to be calm and say - I will speak to you when you have calmed down..Mentally put him in time out! If your son talks about it you can let him know that any aggressive behaviour doesn't work so at least he is learning that as a life lesson.

He's a knob but presumably this is why he's an ex?

I wish mumsnet had existed when I was involved with x, could have saved me years and a lot of money. The term cocklodger could have been invented for him.
I am making sure that son keeps in contact with his dad, he loves him but just dosen't want to do the same old things all the time. X's idea of quality time is to spend hours on Xbox/computer, son wants to do "interesting" things with his dad eg going for walks. Another problem is that x keeps trying to make out that they are all one happy family. Son is ok with wife and step kids but does not want to play happy families with them. He actually told his dad today that he is happy for him, but they are not his family. He said his family are me, dad and his sister. X's reply was that wife and kids love him, didn't take on board what son had said, thats his usual reply when he hears something he dosen't like - ignore it.

Thanks for the replies.

Your son is 13. he is old enough to make some of his own decisions.

if he doesn't want to see his dad, then what kind of responsible parent will try to force him. It'll only be a very short 5 years and the young man can tell him he NEVER wants to see him again.

FWIW, I think it's important for your son to see people listening to him and repecting his decisions.

You tried to negotiate, your Ex threatened and intimidated you, making you fear for your personal safety, your son saw this.

That's enough.

There is no need for you to do any more than you have done. To force this issue is to place the demands of a bully over the needs of your own son. he sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders.

If you show your DS that his opinion doesn't matter, that he is not able to make his own decisions, then when will he be able to shoulder the responsibility of manhood.

discuss the matter with him, think about it, discuss some more if you need to, but ultimately, it's his choice. He does need to understand the consequences of his decision, but you can and will support him in whatever he decides.