WWYD? Living abroad, DF in intensive care, DS is only 6mths

[SoFarAway]

Have name-changed for this as am in a really rough situation at the moment and need some good advice and I've had that on here before when I had an MMC a while ago.

So: my father who is 74 had an accident yesterday. He's been having problems with weaknesses and fainting for the past few years but the doctors have never been able to find a root cause. He was on medication and going to the pharmacy to pick it up when he suddenly fainted outside the pharmacy, hit his head on the pavement, was unconscious on arrival in hospital and is now on a ventilator, dialysis and has had to have a pace-maker put in to keep his heart stable. They have him sedated at the moment and are pumping him full of drugs etc to keep him stable. Last update I had is that he is critically ill but stable, not improving or deteriorating.

So I'm obviously incredibly upset and it's only compounded by the fact that the last time I saw him in person (about 6 months ago) we exchanged some harsh words although we've spoken on the phone a lot since. I'm living abroad at the moment in the US (West Coast) and we only just moved here 2 months ago. I'm trying to make it home as soon as possible. The problem is that my son is only 6 months old and I really don't want to subject him to a long-haul flight again so soon after we moved out here. I really was hoping not to have to fly long-haul again with him until he was weaned at least. My DH is in a new job, really long hours (is on business traveling at the moment ) and so the most he could take off work would be a week to come home with me but he's saving that time up, so to speak, to come over for the funeral if there is one - hey who am I kidding? There will be one it's just a matter of when....

Really I suppose what I need to do is go there on my own on a flexible ticket and just come back if his condition improves and if not, then get DH and DS out to join me when they need to. BUT I really really can't handle the though to being away from my son for more than a few days. We've never been apart since he was born and I don't know how I'd cope without him. Equally it's not fair on him to take him along with me on my own just because I'll miss him if he's not there. I worry about putting him through too much stress. Equally though if I do leave him here in the US, we have no-one who can take care of him except DH, who could work from home for a few days but not more and so we'd have to hire a child minder or put him in a creche, even though he's never been cared for by anyone except me or DH or grandparents since birth.

I just don't know what to do. What's worse: leaving my son for an indefinite period of time to go and see my father, possibly for the last time? Or taking my son with me traveling long-haul on my own? It's really not possible for DH to come with us for more than a week, otherwise the obvious solution would be for us to all travel together.

Sorry for the long post - I just can't see the woods for the trees at the moment...

I'm so sorry FarAway, you must be devastated. I have been in almost exactly your position, and I got on the next flight without DC and went. However, that meant I had to return after 5 days, so with hindsight I would definitely take them with me and go on an open ticket. There will be friends happy to help out. Don't worry about your sons jet lag etc, in the long run that will sort itself out, but other opportunities may not last. So sorry that you are going through this.

Hi sofaraway what an awful situation, my heart goes out to you. I would take dc with me and go. Dc are really resilient at this age, ep if with their mummy.
Hope you can settle into a decision - can you chat it thro with a RL friend back in the uk - someone who can help with ds when you're back? Thinking of you

So sorry to hear about your DF

your DS is so young, he will be much better going with you. DOn't worry about the flight/jet lag, it is sooo much easier when they are tiny.

go and be with your dad

take care - it must be very difficult

So sorry that you are in this dreadful situation and hope that it all turns out well for your father

Am told that young babies deal well with long-haul flights so go with your little one!

With very best wishes, x

I'm so sorry. I have been in a similar situation when living in the US. In your position I would get on the next flight with DS. At six months he won't really care about the flight so long as you are there to entertain him. Otherwise you will end up coming back before you really want to and/ or worrying about DS and DH. The main thing is to get yourself over there fast.

Best wishes.

I'm so sorry about your situation. I would take your ds with you as jet-lag is not a problem for babies at all, especially if you are still bfing as that helps them enormously with the flight. I am also on the West Coast (in Oregon) and took my dc with me on my own twice back to the UK. It wasn't pleasant, but we managed it. With any luck you will be upgraded too. Best wishes and if I am close to you at all geographically, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Awww! Big {{{hugs}}} Must be awful 4 you, not knowing what 2 do 4 the best. I live in Perth Western Australia, and if it was me, I'd take my dd's with me, knowing dh doesn't have any leave (he doesn't as we've only been here 6 months), and I'd drop everything, and take dd1 (2and half), and dd2 (9mo), on my own :o/ At 6 months your lo won't really be moving that much ie; could sit/sleep. Try 4 a nite flight back, then hopefully ur lo will sleep.
Hope your dad gets better x

Sorry to hear about your poor dad.

I took my Ds1 home for the first time at 3 months and my Ds 2 at 6 months.( with my toddler Ds 1 btw ) Its actually easier to do do long haul with them at this age, I flew British airways booked a travel cot Breast fed em to sleep and popped them in the travel cot. It was no problem at all. Ive actually gone home with 3 of em under the age of 4 by myself,never had a problem

So sorry about your dad and like the others would go straight away with your son. Do you have friends and family in the UK to help? You will want to spend time at the hospital and that will be hard with a small child, so you may want to work out child care options for that.
As for the flight go for a big brand like BA they do actually come into their own in a crisis. When you book explain the situation, you'll want the baby cot and you'll be stressed so will appreciate help. You may not naturally wish to broadcast your problems, but from personal experience they can and do help if they know.

UnMN hugs for you

So sorry to hear about your DF, we moved to west coast US 2 months ago too (California) and I dread something similar too.

I have 3yo DS who has preschool 3days a week and 4mo DD who obviously isn't in child care and I'd get the next flight out with both children alone (same situation re leave for DH).....reckon the baby would be easier than the toddler and I'm sure you'll get sympathy and help from cabin staff.

Also once you're home hopefully you'll have friends/family who can help with your DS, I know although we have a few friends here we are nowhere near being able to call upon them in the same way as those at home

I'm in LA so if you're geographically close and there's anything I can do feel free to pm

Thanks for all your sympathy and advice - you know my instinct says to get on the next plane with DS and just go and that was first impulse I had, almost had the flight booked. But I'm being pulled in two directions because DH has been away on business for a week and prior to that he was working such long hours we barely saw each other before he went away so I really, really miss him and of course want him here to support me now. I felt I had to wait until he was back tomorrow morning before I could make a decision.

Other complication is that we are - farcically now it seems - moving house tomorrow. We were supposed to move in last weekend but postponed the full move-in as DH was away and so all of DS's stuff is all over the place, some at the new house, some at our old place. I can't even begin to make a list of what I need to take for him and my head is fried anyway because I haven't slept since I found out the news and have barely been able to eat.

I spoke to my mother too and that influenced me because she said it was an awful long way to take a baby and she didn't want to put him through it. I think she's still a bit in denial about my DF though and thinking he'll pull through whereas I know from medical background that that much medical intervention and a head injury on a man his age probably means the end

Re friends / family at home - my parents still live in my home town and most of my close friends have moved away from there but my mother did say that my cousin/s offered to take care of DS for me. They both have young DCs of their own - aged 2-7 - so they have plenty of baby stuff I could use, travel cot etc.

I don't know where I'm going to stay though as parental home is full with siblings.

Go and take DS with you. You will regret it forever if you aren't there for your Dad and the worst happens. Everything else is immaterial.

In the end all you need for the baby in reality is his passport, a few changes of clothes and nappies, and your credit card. If you have cousins who have offered to help you out with travel cot/cot, blankets, clothes etc. then that's great - you shouldn't need to take all that with you anyway. Can either of your cousins put you up?

Your mother doesn't want to put pressure on you, understandably - but your instinct is to go and I think you should.

I wouldn't worry about your DS having 2 long flights in a short space of time - we took DS to Australia for a 3w holiday when he was 10mo - so that was 2 much longer flights much closer together - and he coped fine. Since then, I have taken him back to the UK several times, always on my own (DH can't be arsed to come too as he is Aussie) and it's been fine. Actually when they're that little it's probably easier to deal with them pre-weaning, on the grounds that you can feed them on take off and landing to force them to suck and swallow (helps with the ear pressure).

As for the house move - your DH can deal with it. Really, he can. I agree you should wait to see him but then just go.

so sorry to hear about your poor dad.

In your shoes, I would fly back with the baby. You can then stay for however long is necessary without the worry of what is going on with him if you lefgt him behind.

Secondly you have a lifetime ahead with dh, time is precious with your dad. Go home and be with him. You will never regret that.

You're probably all right. My brain is just fried at the moment and I'm not thinking straight at all.

There's also something weird going on where I'm feeling very fatalistic about everything and so I'm paranoid that if DS and I go on our own, something will happen to DH or vice versa, something will happen to DS and me, plane crash, car crash etc. DH is really my rock in life whereas there have been ups and downs with my family. I'm scared if I go home alone, they'll start blaming me for what happened to my father or something.

Anyway, I'll take a look at flights now and see which one I can get.

So sorry to hear about your dad. I think that you being away for days or longer will be far more stressful than travel. He's at his most portable.

get home as soon as possible your family will not berate you that would be the right thing to do, your son will sleep a lot of the time on the flight and hopefully you will have family who can help you with your son and allow you to rest once you arrive - hope your father is ok good luck x

So sorry.

I'd go straight away.
Your baby will be fine. This age is not too bad because they are not walking yet, but book two seats for your and his comfort.
And even better if you travel during the night.

I hope your da recovers quickly.

Hope your Dad makes a quick recovery.

Regarding the flights, I really dont think you need to worry. I have flown from LA to London a few times and there has almost always been a baby on the flight. At six months they sleep through most of it, and are a lot easier to deal with than a toddler who wants to be up and walking about.

Sounds tough Sofaraway! I agree that you should go because regret is hard to handle. I wonder if the negative thought patterns re dh, disasters, guilt and blame are being intensified by lack of sleep. It can really affect your mental health, crowd your judgement and make you feel very vulnerable. Can you try and get some sleep and then book everything and make plans. It sounds like your dad is being kept stable and therefore nothing likely to happen while you get some sleep.
Rest and look after yourself.

Go home! It is much easier travelling with a 6 month old than a toddler. Are you BF? A blanket is useful for modesty. If bottle feeding, then cartons is probably the easiest.
Ask friend there to help DH with the move.

I wish you all the best and your DF the best medical help.

Sorry to hear about your df. I dread being in a similar position although I'm not quite as far away as you are.

Take your ds with you, he won't be bothered by it. We are travelling a lot with him while he's still under two (and therefore free!) And the only effect on him is to love being on aircraft :)

It might be worth calling your airline of choice and explaining the situation - they might be able to help you find the best fare.

I think you should go. The baby will be fine- as mummytime says,it's actually much easier travelling with a younger baby than say a toddler.

You have the rest of your life to see your husband. You might not have that with your father, and "if only...." is a horrible thing to have in hindsight.

Hope your father makes a speedy recovery. x