My life is just spiralling out of control

[JustFeelLikeWalking]

I'm a regular, have name changed. If you recognise please don't out me.

I'm a single parent with teenage DS.

Long history of difficulties within my family, particularly with my mother.
I'm at my limit with this.
I'm constantly on the receiving end of criticism, sneering etc. Whenever I have asked for more positivity she has always withdrawn her love at the drop of a hat. Over the last few years my relationship with my brother, we were once like the best of friends, has deteriorated over this. My brother gets verbally aggressive and can be intimidating.
Their attitude towards me is really affecting DS, and cannot continue.

The last 12 months have been horrific.

I was the victim of a sex attack by a man that I had been seeing.
I then got quite ill, and was tested for HIV; thankfully negative.
While waiting for the test results I was violently attacked by the closest friend I have ever had. Totally out of the blue. Looking back she was jealous but hid it well.
Following this, lots of panic attacks, a real feeling of PTSD.
Lots of ongoing problems with my mother; she has accused me of neglecting DS. It's not bloody true, and she knows it, just wanted to hurt me.
I'm really struggling at work, my ability to trust people is in tatters, and you need a level of trust to be able to do this job.

Now I have found out that the man who is under arrest for grooming my friend's son, a family friend, approached DS too. It was at a party, at which he made a beeline for me and offered to babysit anytime; I politely declined. He then asked DS if he smokes weed, and when DS said he doesn't he was offered it. Shocked, horrified, angry doesn't even begin to cover it. We have known since autumn that this had been going on with friend's DS, and since more has been uncovered about this situation DS and I have discussed it at length (but not in detail) and DS finally confided that he felt pressured into taking what was offered, but still refused. I think his confidence has saved him, as well as me turning down the offer. I rang my usually very supportive father to talk about this and have been shouted at, sworn at. He was very accusatory, questioning my judgement left right and centre. I didn't see this coming, but feel that my response when approached was the right one.

I've got nobody to turn to.
Of course I'm questioning myself as a parent, but I'm also on the receiving end of scathing criticism as a mother. My family do not seem to be able to contain their lack of respect for me as a mother, and as a person and I feel really scared and alone. Some of my family have expressed this to DS, and I really resent the damage they have tried to do to our relationship; i'm very wary of anyone who tries to disrupt the relationship between child and parent. If we did not have this good and strong relationship, the man who approached DS might have been in a stronger position.
I'm really struggling and it feels ongoing, like it will never end. I'm ill again, the 4th illness in 5 months.

I wish I could run away :( just a really fucking long walk, far far away.

You can't walk away from your lovely son. You are his mother - no matter what anyone says about you, you are his mum, you love him and he loves you. More than that even, he needs you to be there for him.

I think the time has come to cut yourself off from your mum and your brother. I wouldn't tell them you're going to do this, or they will be abusive. Just don't answer phone calls, tell them you're busy if you bump into them, reply to emails or texts a few days later saying you were busy. Be polite but don't engage.

What has happened to the two people who attacked you? Did you report them? Do you still see them around?

agree with IB. it's time to stop allowing your family of origin into your life. they are the problem here, so remove the problem and concentrate on the positive: your son.

very sorry to hear about the assaults too.
that must have been dreadfully traumatic.

i do think that once you remove your family from your life, you'll find it easier to cope with the aftermath of the assaults.

Thank you Imperial

I'll never walk away from DS, but I'm really scared that my family want him to walk away from me. Really scared. They are questioning my judgement in front him constantly.

I finally reported the sex attack at Xmas time, but could not go through with taking action. The person who would have been called as a witness would have ben my former best friend as I went straight to her house after it happened. I reported her, but she called the police straight away and made allegations against me, so police would not pursue the case, even though I had significant and visible facial injuries and she had none. That did impact on my trust in the justice system. I have bumped into each of them since, and feel so jumpy and vulnerable. I worry and have panic attacks about bumping into them when I go out, even though I handled it well both times I saw them. They do not know each other by the way, I'm not sure if I made that clear.

I just want to run away, me and DS somewhere else. And sleep, I really want to sleep and sleep.

Thank you oiko

I know they need to go. They have always skewed my view on relationships, and my self belief.

I'm normally good at spotting potentially dangerous people, it's part of my job. But I didn't see either attack coming at all. Looking back I should have seen the warning signs within my friendship, but they were very subtle.

I feel like my ability to feel emotionally safe has always been compromised, and now I feel physically and sexually unsafe too.

I would stop your family from having any contact with your son.

What happened to you during those attacks was awful and I have to say I don't understand your friend's reaction at all.

Actually you are not physically or sexually unsafe. You've been attacked in both ways and have survived. You know you are a really strong woman. You know that if it happened again (which I'm sure it won't) you would survive that, too. You are tough and strong.

Do you have to stay in that area? In your position I'd be looking at moving away.

I think that you are amazing, JustFeel.

I'd definitely consider seeing as little of your family as you can. Move away, or stop taking their calls, or see them only very very briefly because you are suddenly, just so, so busy. All the time.

I am very, very glad that your son wasn't hurt and that he is able to discuss it with you. 'Lucky escape' doesn't even begin to describe!

I really hope that you get some good, kind, decent people in your life soon, to replace all the arseholes that need to be shown the door...

PM me if you ever want to chat, or moan, or whatever - remember - there is always mumsnet!

This time a year ago I was in such a good place, whereas my former friend was not. Looking back there were subtle signs that she resented this. When the man hurt me, I think she expected my confidence to plummet, but it didn't, not at that time. Partly because I was numb, and in denial.

It has just been knock after knock after knock for as long as I can remember.

I think that a lot of what has happened to me has happened because I am a single woman: the open and quite extreme criticism of me, the sex attack, the violent attack, and the attempt to groom my DS. I'm not naive enough to think that being in a relationship makes you safe, but being in a safe relationship would have kept me safer. I could not even contemplate a date, I am a shaking nervous wreck.

I would love so much to move away and as soon as DS has finished at school, we will. I'm scared of walking away from my job, to which I am currently financially tied with a loan. I'm scared of moving now because I feel that it would disrupt DS all over again, and every time I have been made a victim, he has suffered for it too.

Manic I am scared of letting people into my life, I feel like I am shutting them out, with good reason, one by one. I am too nervous to go out socialising at the moment, it would require more dutch courage than I want to consume, and so am cutting myself off socially too.

I feel pathetic, like I have victim written all over me. My family paint me as hysterical if I stand up for myself. Pretty textbook stuff really.

Think of it as spending time healing, not only from your assaults but from your family.

Stay at home, be there for your lovely son, take care of him and avoid your family like the plague. Are you interested in writing? Seems like it would be really cathartic to get all this down on paper.

And you are so right about the lucky escape, my goodness this has shaken me up and had me questioning myself. I think that is part of the process, but it would really help to have had support in RL rather then accusation.

I deliberately rang my father, because he is so supportive of me usually. He and I have the odd hotheaded flare up, but are generally mutually supportive and respectful. I know he reacted angrily because he was shocked and scared, but still.

I just want all the drama to stop! Shutting myself and DS away does shut the door on potential drama, but social isolation is not my natural state. I am miserable.

Imperial I have found it oth cathartic writing it all down here, and also overwhelming. At the end of the year, I looked back and was completely overwhelmed by everything i had been through, it knocked me for six, that is when I felt some PTSD symptoms.

both cathartic....

No real advice here, just want to let you know that you sound amazingly strong, in spite of everything that's been thrown at you, and your son sounds like he's a real credit to you.

Thanks Pervy. Wow I have never called anybody pervy before!

I have felt like one of lifes survivors for much of my life, but over the last year I have felt like none of this will stop until I am literally broken, and I'm not far off. I know this sounds silly, but I have wondered how I could have had so much awful shit luck. I do feel that the triggers for the downward spiral are my ongoing problems with family, and the sex attack.

How easy is it for you to get by without family involvement ? Would they make it hard for you if you said you were both going out of contact for a while ?

Remember that you are a survivor, (and also that horrendous things do happen to good people) but that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel all the things you're feeling. You're allowed to be upset and nervous and scared. It really sucks that the people who are meant to support you through this are the people causing you the most stress.

What a traumatic time you have had!

I think your physical illnesses are due to the stress you are under and as you feel stronger mentally it will disappear.

Make sure you get help or someone to talk to about the attacks. You must be traumatised. Talking it though will help ease the sense of burden and help with clarity and distance.

As for your family. It's awful that they work against you. Perhaps more distance/less contact with them for the moment will help you feel less pressured and scrutinised. I am not sure this is a good time to break off contact with them. Just limit the phone calls and visits. Be busy.

I don't have any experience with your situation to help cast any light but didn't want to read and run.

Pervy it would be easier to subtly withdraw from them, because if I explain what I am doing and why I'm sure to come under attack in some way or another. Not sure if I can handle that. I know you're right in that I'm a survivor, but that seems to come with such a high price right now.

skandi you are so right about my physical illnesses, it is pure stress. Until Xmas my sickness record was really good. Apart from the illness I had after the first attack I hadn't been ill in such a long time. I am so tense and shivery I've pulled muscles in my back

I have a bit of an update, and could probably do with some feedback please..

It's my mother's birthday this weekend, it's a big bday. She had initially been very down about it, and because I want her to be happy I suggested that we all enjoy it together. My other brother spoke to me in the week; he had initially said that he would meet with DS and I whatever we chose to do, but in the week aid that if we do not join mother he will not see us. He also said that he does not agree with me cutting off DS from his family. I did point out that I have never stood in the way of DS having relationships with wider family at all, but it does need to be conditional with him being protected from feeling the way that he has.

So last night I had an email from mother. Quick but friendly in tone. She has asked if DS could stay from this afternoon until tomorrow night. She has never made such a generous offer before! So, she wants to see DS, but not me. Ouch. No surprise, but ouch all the same.

However the conversation about him being protected, and about me being respected as his parent, whatever they think of the minor details of my parenting, needs to happen. If I attempt this conversation this weekend, I will be the devil for being unkind to mother on her birthday weekend, when she is feeling quite low already.... I feel like they are backing me right into a corner. I have felt backed into a corner so many times as DS' mum, and I'm not prepared to back down any more, but I am aware that this will come across as petty and controlling.

We have the present that I had bought for my mother. I'm not petty, I still want her to have it. Before this email came through, my friend had said that if I am invited I should only go for a short time, and only if I can stay in control of the way I present my feelings towards the situation. Be smiley and friendly but emotionally detached. I can only sustain that for a short time at the moment, realistically.

I think I will have to be really breezy and say that we have plans but can drop by at either of the following times...
What do you think?

I think it is your business as to whether your DS sees your family or not. If you do not think they are a positive influence you have every right to stop contact. Does your brother stick up for you when you are under attack from them? They sound toxic which is probably why you are attracting other abusers into your life. You might try low contact if you feel no contact is too much. With practice you can be in the same room as abusers and just let it bounce off you but you need to realise it's their problem behaviour and nothing to do with you.

You have been seriously attacked twice recently and your health is more important than a birthday surely? (even a big one). Your family shoud be supporting you at this time not giving you more grief! You say you don't want to be alone but no relationships are better than bad ones. How about socialising in a different way? i.e. joining a gym, evening classes, voluntary work, walking groups, writing groups, cooking classes - whatever you fancy.

You sound like a really lovely mum who made the right decision in not letting creep babysit and who has good communication with your DS - don't let your family put you down - that is NOT what family should be doing.