Overheard husband slagging me off to brother. Final straw?

[cyclingfish]

Overheard H telling BIL that I don't do enough. I aparently spend all my time watching tv. I'm fuming with him and have barely spoken to him today.

Background; Been with him since I was 18. Together for 13 years, married for 7. Have two DC together.

DS2 is in nursery for 15 hours a week, over 3 days. When he's in nursery I'm in the office or running errands for H. I will be able to do more hours when he starts school in Sept.

H works about 70 hours a week. I do 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housework

H runs two limited companies, he is sole director of both. He has 3 buy - to - lets, the deeds to all are in his sole name. He is building a house, the deeds to the land are in his sole name. No prizes for guessing whose name the marital home is in. My only asset is my car.

I used to work 5 days a week but reduced my hours after a nervous breakdown (acute psychotic episode) in 2010. I spent a month in a psychaitric hospital and had terrible depression shortly after being discharged. The breakdown was because I hadn't slept for a week. I looked at the history of our laptop and it was mostly porn (anal fisting to be more precise) there were also cookies to adult dating sites. I couldn't sleep after finding all that and literally lost my mind

Not really sure why I'm posting on here, it helps to vent I suppose.
Am going to start making plans and looking at my options. I've had enough.

Feel free to tell me to leave the bastard

Do you want to leave him?

Leave the bastard :)

Employ an excellent solicitor first

Will do... Leave The Bastard

It doesn't matter that his is the sole name on deeds and suchlike as the properties will be regarded as 'marital assets'.

Do you like your husband or indeed love him? Why are all assets in his name? When you say he is building a house, is it a family home?
You already sound totally disassociated from him. Do you want to split up?

Sorry for all the questions. The porn stuff sounds foul - anal fisting?

it's up to you if this is the final straw

why are you asking us ?

just divorce him...it sounds like it really could be that simple for you now

I wouldn't worry too much about the complicated finances...a good solicitor will have no problem sorting all that out

Before you tell the bastard you're divorcing him, make sure you get photocopies of his wage slips, bank statements, details of any savings and any paperwork which shows the properties and land in his name. Could be wrong but I'd imagine if he runs 2 businesses it would be all too easy for him to portray himself as penniless and the business owning all assets if he or his accountants are clever enough and really wanted to.

You're entitled to half the marital home in any event.

You would probably get a court to give you a lot more than that also. Starting point is 50/50 :)

Go see a solicitor, lay the groundwork, then leave him.

He sounds ghastly, what do you see in him?

If he was otherwise a charmless bastard who I had very little or no affection left for, yes it might well be the final straw.

Get yourself a good solicitor.

I used to like him, and loved him with all my heart, not so sure now. The porn stuff totally repulsed me and it's kinda hard to forget that .

Half the assests in his name were bought before we were married, but the rest after we married.

The home being built will be a family home for at least one year (to avoid capital gains tax) The house we live in atm is slowly falling apart and it pisses me off that he works so hard to buy and build new houses for profit but wont spend a penny on the house we live in.

I guess I sound disassociated from him because I've spent all day brooding over all his bad points. He does have good points, I've just lost sight of them lately

Well, criticising you to a third party is horrible, the porn is distasteful. Have you told him why you're not talking to him?

what kind of sad fuck enjoys women gettig their anal sphincters destroyed beyond all repair ?

I don't like threads where posters come and tell you how you are entitled to everything and how you should see a good solicitor, basically take him for what he's worth etc etc.

You have 2 children together. If it comes to divorce, I am sure that suitable financial arrangements will be made and provision made for you all.

He had a whinge about you to his brother. You have come on here complained about him to thousands of internet users. Everyone is entitled to a moan now and then - his bad luck that you overheard him.

I think you need professional help/counselling. If it makes you feel better, a friend of mine found worse pornography than anal fisting that her husband had been using. A decade later they are still together and have children. I wouldn't end a marriage over this.

not yet fluffiphlox, I tend to cry when I argue with him and I can't be crying and rowing infront of the kids. I've just avoided him.

Don't know why I'm posting on here, as I said in my OP I just needed to vent.

Yes he does have good points, we usually get along really well. Hearing him slag me off to BIL really got my back up. Made me realise that he doesn't see us as equals (he is 16 years older than me) and chooses to see what I don't do rather than what I do do, if that makes sense?!

gosh, TH, the idea of what your friend is willing to tolerate for the sake of a relationship is really rather depressing

and worse, that you would hold it up as a shining example of how this OP could live her life

tbh though, I don't think it really matters, it seems OP is just looking for a little moan about her man

< moves on >

i know there is more to this than just the slagging you off...

but have you never had a good old moan to a friend about your husband?
I know what it's like sometimes when I get together with a group of friends and we start talking about how the men never do anything around the house, don't spend enough time with the kids, watch too much tv etc etc etc

i think that sometimes that's just what people do... vent about their other halves? no?

clearly this is not taking into account the rest of your post- the anal fisting alone would have me seriously questioning a relationship, but is it enough to end a marriage over?
only you can answer that I guess. would you like to try and sort all the issues out and stay with him? or do you just want out?

Thanks tryharder. I'm not looking to screw him for half (or more) I'm really not. I mentioned the porn because I believe it caused my breakdown. It's relevant because it explains why I don't work as hard as I used to.

As distasteful as I find it, I wouldn't end my marriage because of it.

I don't know CyclingFish, I'd say doing 100% of childcare and housework, enabling your DH to put in 70 hours running two companies, which is in turn enabling him to finance his properties, is bloody hard work!

agree, it IS hard work,

and if you were doing "real" work (ie, out of the house) 9-5 you'd have to pay for childcare, so potentially worse off....

but you need to talk this stuff through with him. have you told him what you overheard?

Do you mind me asking if he is aware that his porn use caused your breakdown, and how has he been towards you since, emotionally?

Actually, if you are sure the porn was a big contributer to your break down, I think that it was then serious enough (for you) to leave him. It caused severe effects to your health, whether other posters think the porn was a strong enough reason to end a marriage, you obviously reacted in a way that would suggest it is.

Also with children, it is totally the right thing that you consider the financial effects, that has nothing to do with bleeding him dry, you need to look after the children. Get advice from a solicitor and find out what your position is. Particularly, what evidence of salary and assets you need, as he doesn't sound like he has a traditional salaried job. If you think that when you leave he wouldn't try and screw you over, you are taking a massive gamble. Seriously get advice.