is it worth seeing the GP? long, sorry

[workshy]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 13 years unlucky for some, how ironic

been out of it for 2 years now and I have never told anyone the full details of what went on but the general gist is

he would walk through the kitchen, sit down, then tell me to get me a drink -if I didn't he could sulk for days

we both worked (initially) but I earnt less so he would tell me he was carrying me and I 'owed him' -I won't tell you how he used to expect payment

if the house work wasn't done to his standard, or even just differently from how he expected it to be done, he would stand over me, barking instructions -one time he stood behind me holding my wrists while I was washing up as I did it in the wrong order

I had to ask him what he wanted to eat before cooking it so evening meals were often late into the evening and if I didn't have in what he wanted then he would refuse to eat anything but repeat that he was starving and I couldn't even do the shopping right (would refuse to plan for the week as he didn't know what he would fancy)

he would tell me I was mad, depressed, had a hormonal imbalance that reduced my sex drive so not the fact that he was a cock I was deformed (after having the DCs he told me no one would ever look at me again as I was disgusting down there) -and that I would never cope without him

sorry rambling now but.....

I'm 2 years free of him, yet still have contact with him due to the DCs and everytime my phone flashes with a text from him I get this feeling of dread
I haven't had any new relationships as I have no confidence that someone might actually like me and if I do go on a date I am so suspicious of their motives, can't accept a compliment etc, and as for even thinking about getting intimate with someone -forget it!

so back to my original question -is it worth speaking to the GP? will they be able to help me?
I don't want to be branded depressed because I don't think I am -I'm generally happy, enjoy my time with my DCs and am doing well at work etc, but also because if I am diagnosed with depression, it proves him right! and yes I know that makes no sense it's just new relationships -I do want one but I have so many emotional walls it's not going to happen

arrrggghhhhh

thanks for reading if you made it this far

So sorry to read about your abusive relationship, how terrible for you

I think it'd be worth while seeing your GP. And as for being branded depressed that won't necessarily happen? He/she will no doubt be very understanding. Anyone would be affected by this. Also maybe you could get the nurse to check your vagina to put your mind at rest. I'm pretty sure he was talking crap, anything to stop you from leaving the dickhead. But having someone verify you are normal may help you on the road to recovery? Just a thought.

It's one step at a time. You've already started recovery by sharing with us. Now make an appointment with the GP and that's another one. Good luck

i dont about the gp but i do think doing the 'freedom programme' at your local WA centre would be a good idea. i know several women who have been in your position do this course and they say it has helped greatly, it has helped them move forward with a more postive outlook, more self confidence etc, in fact, i do know that my local WA centre recommend that all women do the programme, even if they have not suffered and abusive relationship.

Oh and there's nothing wrong with being depressed (not saying you are) Some people get reactive depression. My family has a lot of biological depression. No real cause?

If you get down it'd most likely be because of the abuse and will go with help. IMO.

When I left my EA relationship I spent the following year in a sort of state of shock. I think I was having some kind of PTSD reaction.

But like you, I also experienced great happiness with my job and friends, etc, and I didn't feel depressed.

I had quite a lot of counselling (at my own expense, I was fortunate enough to be able to afford it) and I found it massively helped me come to terms with what I'd been through.

Maybe see if your GP can arrange some sessions for you.

Sorry to hear what you have been through. Your GP should know what is available in terms of counselling/therapy in your area, although NHS services are stretched and mostly short term. Don't let him win by keeping you away from services. You may not be depressed, you may have battered self-esteem and some sort of post traumatic stress going on. If you don't want anything on your records you could search for community counselling or women's centres in your areas or the freedom programme to be able to start somewhere.

I had a look on the WA website but it seemed geared up for DV and they are different aren't they?

curiousmama I know there is nothing wrong with having depression, it's more about him than the lable if that makes sense?

Hey

Your new life is just starting!

Well done. WELL DONE on being strong enough and resourceful enough to kick this horror into touch after so long.

Are you depressed? Well, you might be. It wouldn't be at all a surprise after what you've been through. So yes, I would think about visiting the GP. But let me tell you something. If you are 'depressed', it won't be because you are that rubbish person he tried to convince you that you were, it will be because you are a normal person whose brain is working far too hard at the moment to try and process the crap you went through, at the same time as striking out alone as a parent and an individual. As said above - this 'reactive' kind of depression would be a normal healthy reaction to what you've been through. Don't be afraid of being "labelled" in that way, not at all. I would say you need some support, definitely.

However, I would possibly suggest that before you go to the GP that you maybe ask about counselling rather than medication. Reading your post, I see a clever, resourceful, caring person who is simply struggling to come to terms with things right now and I think that you might find that what you really need is help and support just to process it all, in a way that will give you some peace, and of course strategies for dealing with the tosser :)

Yes definitely the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid. A course in every town in a neutral place (not a refuge). Otherwise personal counselling to help you come to terms with what he did to you. Can you change your mobile number so he can't text you anymore? Congratulations on getting away from him - that shows what a strong wonderful person you are already - you just need to believe it.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

PS Workshy - the words violence and abuse are used in the same situations. Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Grabbing your wrists to make you wash up his way IS domestic violence. Making you pay in kind for having a lower income IS domestic violence.

just had a look at the Mr Good/Mr Bad link that they have and of the 19 traits, 16 are him!!!

I have no hope of attending a 12 week programme unfortunately but I will have a look at some of the literature, thank you ladies

Hi Workshy well done for saving yourself from that hell.
Just want to reiterate what others have said about help from WA.
I got out 15 years ago, met my DH 11 years ago, he is the worlds most lovely, generous and kind man......yet still 3 years ago finally did some counselling around the previous relationship- thought it would all just fade in time, particularly with the love and support of DH, but in reality it did need to be properly addressed & now i wish i'd done it a decade earlier

Hello Workshy, I left an EA relationship and it took a while for me to process what had happened. In my case I had something like flashbacks and was as anxious as hell.

I'd definitely suggest seeing your GP - they might be able to suggest some counselling or support?

Good luck - it does get better :)

Have you thought about changing your mobile number? Then he can't call you any more.

we have DCs so can't really avoid being in contact with him

Whoops, sorry workshy.

Good luck hope posting has helped? Some great advice on here.

Freedom programme can be done as distance learning (haven't done it so can'5t say how well it works) maybe doing this alongside some individual counselling would help you to exorcise your demons.

I am still working through mine.

It does seem to me that you may be minimising the hell that you went through and that you might need a safe place to explore exactly what went on in your relationship and enable you to move on and stop internalising his "assessment" of you.

His assessment by the way will have been entirely about keeping control of you and nothing to do with your attractiveness/lovableness. In fact the mere fact that he had to break you down in this way in order to keep you for himself suggests to me that he recognised you as a desirable and lovable person. he had to dig his claws in deep.

Well done for escaping him as far as you can.
maybe he could email you rather than text. then it's up to you when you look rather than feeling stalked by him. Just a thought.