Too much too young???

[LalasMama]

I'm 21. Been with DP 5 years. He is 27. We have 2 DCs (2 and 10m).
On paper, we have a good life. DP earns a good wage and works so hard. He is a builder and despite the recession, he is always chocoblock with work. I work in a school working with children with special needs. I live my job and the hours are brilliant for child are etc.
We have a lovely house. We have a joint mortgage. DP bought the house before i knew him and extended it to add value. I was only put on the mortgage for life insurance purposes.
Trouble is, I'm not happy. 5 years ago, DP was everything to me. Now, I find him irritating and I know my life would be much less stressful without him. I love him. But I don't feel the same way as I did. It's only the last few months that my feelings have started to change.
I don't know what's caused it. I can't see a way out. I don't want to hurt him or my children. I want to enjoy being young again. I don't regret my DC at all and I know I'll never get my freedom back.

Sorry for the rambling. But I don't know what to do

I know the feeling you mean, IME it's caused by one of two things, and age is a factor (I had DS when I was 20).

These years are ones where you go through massive changes, mentally, growing up etc. It's also the time when a lot of your peers etc are having loads of fun, discovering who they are, travelling, getting their first place alone or with partners, maybe still living at home, having loads of disposable income, just generally not being tied down with kids and a serious job or partner.

I think what you need to separate/work out in your own mind, is whether you're actually growing away from him as you get a little older and grow up a bit, which is perfectly natural - just makes it extremely complicated when you have children :( Or whether you're just feeling trapped in your current situation and pushing him away seems like the only thing you can do to gain a little breathing room.

Hey LalasMama
Im sorry your feeling unhappy at the moment.
You are very very young and its seems very settled in your little family unit.
What is it you are not happy with? I think everyone gets a little irritated my their other halves sometimes?
Less stressful in what way?
You can still enjoy being young? Maybe you need a little you time?

Oh OP, your children are so so little. i think you might be experiencing the normal strains of 2 under 3. it's not easy, esp when you are younger, and on top of that you're both working.

can you talk to a counsellor before doing anything else? a neutral third party i mean.

i wonder if you and your P need to chat about getting a bit of a balance, where you get one night off a month to go out with your friends, and maybe one or two weekends a year to have a girly trip somewhere? would that help?

or perhaps to build some scheduled "alone time" into your week? even just two hours or something.

i do think that irritation and a sense of being a bit suffocated is fairly normal at your stage of family life... don't make any rash moves, but do talk about it with someone.

How often do you go out with friends? Perhaps if you went out more often and made more time for yourself you would also feel better in your relationship?

Maybe set aside a day every couple of weeks or once a month where you see friends or go out somewhere without DP and the DCs.

At 16 when you met your partner you were still almost a child.

You will have changed hugely in 5 years and will change again before you are 30, or 40, or 50.

You have a huge amount on your plate at a time when many women are still at university or training in a career.

I wonder if your parents tried to dissuade you from settling down so young- or if the baby was unplanned so you went ahead anyway?

All that is by the by but I am asking if you chose to have this life- or was it somehow unplanned, or even rebelliousness against your parents' advice?

For the sake of your children you have got to try and make this relationship work. 5 years is a very short time to give up on something that should be forever. All relationships hit rough patches and people talk, and try to pull through. Have you told your partner how you feel?

Have you told your family?

My DD is older than you and nowhere near for the responsibilities you have! Can you talk to your mum and tell her how you feel?

Sorry, Bluepetticoat, I agree with most of your post but I really don't agree that anybody has to try and make any relationship work.

If OP wants to give it a try, then she owes it to herself to give it a good one, but if she wants out, that's okay too. We all make mistakes.

I go out with friends on a night out once a fortnight. This has only started recently though. DP and I did split up in January for a few weeks and in myself, I was much happier. I just felt I had to try again for the sake of the DC.

In my heart, I know the relationship is on borrowed time. I just don't want to break his heart.

My parents split up when I was 3 and my mum has been with my stepdad since I was 5. She has been desperately unhappy but has stayed with my stepdad for the sake of my half brother. I don't want to go through that.

My first DC wasn't planned. Family told me to have abortion etc. they weren't particularly keen on DP but they love him now.

I worry about how I would cope financially as a lone parent. I wouldn't want anything from him from the house.

What a mess.

No Bertie, no one has to try, but if she was my D,D, and she is younger than her, I'd advise her and in fact anyone with 2 children to try. It's selfish not to. Relationships go up and down so who's to say if this one might not find its feet again?

I've been trying since I was pregnant with DC1. DP had/has a bit of an alcohol problem which is why we split earlier in the year. He has had no slip ups since but I think I'm exhausted from all the trying.

have you tried an Al-Anon meeting OP?

even if your P isn't drinking, they can still be helpful because you most likely learned some unhealthy dynamics while he was drinking.

i've been to a few and found them very useful. hearing from other people can help you clarify things in your own life.

We haven't tried that. Although I don't think it's the drinking that's the problem. I can't put my finger on it but I know I don't want to be here anymore. It's heart breaking.

Al-Anon is only for the partners and friends of those with a drinking problem, not for the drinker themselves. you would go on your own or with a friend. not with P i mean. (just to make that clear)

and Al-Anon is more about relationships than it is about drinking. when someone has a drink problem, they usually have other very specific relationship problems too, and often it's those relationship/communication problems that cause issues in the lives of their families (moreso than the drinking itself).

also, the relationship/communication issues don't go away when drinking ceases. that's the issue you see. they carry on.

also, women who partner with men with these sorts of problems, usually have a very specific type of family background, which Al-Anon can also help you sort out in your mind. stops you from repeating things etc.

if you're interested, google Al-Anon and the name of your town and see if you can't catch a meeting.

worth a try. you don't have to go back if it seems silly/unhelpful.