lack of libido

[dalsani]

I am 26 years old and have 2 young daughters (3 & 2) and am 3.5 months pregnant with my 3rd. I don't remember ever having a good sex drive but my dh said that it did exist once.... The probem is that now I NEVER want sex or any other intimate contact with dh-even a hug or kiss on the lips (sometimes it even repulses me). This is causing LOADS of problems as he feels hurt and rejected (totally see why) but everytime he makes a move to be intimate with me I just stiffen and try to move away.

We have sex on average once a week (not because I want it but just to "shut him up") but he likes to "fool around with me" a bit on other nights and I hate it. I just lie there praying it to be over with as soon as possible. I have never orgasmed during sex and when I masturbate by myself I also don't get much if any pleasure out of it.
I know that physical intimacy is important to a relationship and I did try that whole "the more sex you have the more you'll want it" approach but it didn't help.
I have tried countless times to talk to him and try to explain how I feel but he just doesn't understand and still constantly pesters me for sex or a kiss and it really turns me off him and the idea of intimacy with him even more. I have been to sex counseling but that didn't help either :( Any suggestions?

What happened during sex counselling? I mean, did you discover anything about yourself? Did you ever really enjoy sex before you met him? It's a really tough situation, but a relatively common one I think. Having 2 small children and being pregnant must be exhausting so from that point of view, I think it's pretty understandable that your libido is lower than it was - although you're saying you don't ever recall it being good. Your DH seems to think differently though - what do you think accounts for him and you remembering different things?

You are being treated like a sex toy so no wonder you don't feel like it!

"he likes to fool around with me" on other nights. What does that mean?

He feels rejected yet then tries it on again to be rejected again. He is hardly helping his own feelings of rejection is he?

I think if you didn't know what was inevitable every night you may feel differently and he needs to know clearly that you don't want him "fooling around" with you every night. Do people really have sexual needs this often especially when you have 2 kids and one on the way!

elusive: Ablsolutely nothing happened during the counselling! Either the counselor wasn't any good or there was nothing she could help me with. I've only ever had sex with my husband and another guyand althought both of them tried/try many a time to give me some enjoyment I just don't get any pleasure from sex at all. I do fake getting excited sometimes with my dh because it makes him finish quicker and hence leave me alone sooner-that's probably what he means when he says that he remembers differently...

maleview: he likes rubbing up against me and doing everything else but penetration etc. To clarify, it's not every night but the majority and if I don't give in to him then he's in a huff until the next evening when he makes a play for it again....

Poor you! He sounds a nightmare to be honest. He is really not helping the situation with this behaviour is he?

You poor thing- this is just ^awful".

Were all your babies wanted? That's a lot of DCs to handle!!! 3 under 5.

Your DH is being a selfish arse.

But- you are also to blame a little because you have not said how you feel.

Tell him to stop rubbing up against you. Tell him you don't enjoy sex right now.

Tell him to grow up and start treating you like a human being instead of a rubber doll.

If he won't then you need to really think if you want to be with him.

I was the same in my previous marriage. I hated having sex, I too used to feel repulsed by it. I used to lay there hoping for it all to be over asap. We went to counselling. The counsellor spoke about the PAC (parent, adult, child) relationships that occur in relationships. She said that due to my background, I saw my ex as being a father figure (he was in the parent role) and I was the child. She said that as this relationship between us existed, it was no wonder that I didnt want to have sex, as we dont want to have sex with our fathers. He couldnt accept this at all. in the end, he used to bribe me for sex, with gifts and money. I thought that as long as I had to have sex, I might as well get paid for it.
I hated the way that my sex life was. It made me feel like a total sex object, he made me feel frigid and like a bad wife. I divorced him, and I am in a new relationship now.
I hope that you can sort this horrible situation out. Forever is a very long time.

Hi - We are in the same situation as you, which may be some comfort to you, but not much help. However DW does not want me to discuss this in public.

so saddad- you are saying that you force yourself on your wife in every sense except penetration, but she doesn't want to discuss this in public.
I wonder why?

I've only ever had sex with my husband and another guyand althought both of them tried/try many a time to give me some enjoyment I just don't get any pleasure from sex at all.
That is really sad and rubbish for you. Given the fact you've not been with a number of people, it could simply be that what they have tried hasn't been right for you and as you've not really enjoyed things on your own, it must be difficult to know what you're aiming for. Personal question you don't need to answer, but for you have you ever considered getting a vibrator and trying to learn to get pleasure for yourself. Just for that, not so you can want to do it for your DH's sake.

Our 1st daughter was wanted and the 2nd was a surprise-I got pregnant whilst using the diaphram when my oldest was 6 months old. It was hard but thank goodness my oldest is really good. We wanted our children close together so we can run around with them and stuff before we get too "old" and tired to do so. Also less chance of abnormalities etc when younger etc. We want 4 or 5 kids.
I always tell him that I'm not in the mood and that beds are made to be slept in and nothing else but he just doesn't listen to my excuses any more, just gets annoyed :(

he likes rubbing up against me and doing everything else but penetration etc.

So basically he's using you as an aid to masturbation. No wonder you've gone off sex. That's enough to turn anyone off. But your beds are made to be slept in and nothing else comment indicates a deeper issue than just a temporary lack of sex drive.

I think you need to tell him very firmly that sex and any 'rubbing against you' is off the menu for the short term, and then get yourself to see a half decent sex counsellor.

This is tantamount to rape. Ok there is no penetration but a) he won't listen and b) gets annoyed.

How are you managing to stay so calm? I would have left by now and certainly not even be thinking of more children.

Get angry with him and start asserting yourself a bit. can't you see how truly wrong his behaviour is? Lack of love and respect for you doesn't even touch it.

I'm in the opposite boat as a woman. My male Dp's libido has severely dropped off for no appatent reason and he won't talk about it. This leaves me feeling unwanted and rejected and thinking he doesn't want me anymore... but I can understand your tiredness. Hope all improves. Let me know if sex counselling works for you. x

All sorts of things wrong with what he's doing - and I don't want to trivialise his behaviour, but it's been fairly well covered by posts above. I'm also not having a go at you, just suggesting that maybe you need to have a think about your own attitude to this - apologies if this comes across in the wrong way, it's intended as being constructive.

I speak as the man in a relationship where my wife isn't interested in sex. Given Bluepetticoat's response to saddadgladdad above, I feel the need to point out that I've never forced myself on DW, "messed around" with her, or even pestered her for sex (sometimes I wonder whether things might have been better if I had pestered - maybe I'd at least have got the once a week to "shut me up"). We never had sex whilst DW was pregnant - TBH we've barely had sex since DW first became pregnant. I've always considered that if DW didn't want sex when pregnant that wasn't totally unreasonable of her (though seeing comments from others on here since I joined, it seems most women do quite happily have sex occasionally - and it makes me a little bit sad that it's something I'll never experience).

Anyway, the comment I was picking up on (in combination with everything else) was "We want 4 or 5 kids." - for a start is that definitely a "we", not an "I"? So the big question is if you're not actually ever interested in having sex with your husband, do you just see him as a sperm donor, and then a father to your children? What is the point of your relationship as far as you're concerned? Apologies again if that comes across the wrong way - just that it's a thought I've had about my own situation given that we have 2 children despite only having sex once since the first was conceived until the smallest was almost 3.

I don't know - your relationship seems totally different to mine, as your DH can hardly complain he isn't getting any, and I'm probably just busy hijacking because I'm nervous about starting my own new thread (though I suspect your attitude to sex is pretty similar to that of my DW - just that your husband pesters more than I do and you have an attitude of duty to it). But I wonder where you'll get if as suggested you do own up to your true feelings to him and suggest that you never want to have sex. Oh and I agree with TooEasilyTempted's concern about your "beds to be slept in" comment.