Confused confused confused

[Binxy]

Just after a little advice. I feel so desperately sad at the state of my life at the moment an would love an outsiders opinion.

Dh an I have been having real problems for a long while now. We argue a lot and the cause for the arguing seems to constantly change. As soon as we address one issue something else seems to be the problem.

Things came to a head a couple of days ago and I decided I just couldn't carry on anymore. There is no affection at all on our relationship and all the vile things he says to me have sort of built a wall between us I feel I can't forgive. I told him I wanted to separate and he agreed then became absolutely furious later on. He won't leave because he says he has nowhere to go but I have no income until I get a job so can't just leave straight away myself. I took dcs out to the supermarker so he could calm down and when I came back started mking dinner. He started shouting on front of dcs that j wa ruining his life and making them hate him and what a vile bitch I am them stormed off to have a bath. My eldest ds ran upstairs so I went to make sure he was ok. Came downstairs on my own and he started shouting at me from the bathroom. That I'm a lazy bitch and that I am just waiting for my dad to die so I never have to work (have been sahm for 2 yrs looking for jon now). That he can't bear for ds to grow up to be like me (shy) . I just ignored him. I thought it was the best thing to do anything else would have just been fuel to the fire.
Dh(only2) walked into the kitchen to put his bowl away and dh grabbed and and threw it across the kitchen smashing it and making ds scream uncontrollably. Older dh was terrified. Then he came right up in my face and started screaming " can you fucking hear me now?" the burst out crying them toldme to Leave because he couldn't control himself.

Fled to my parents and almost instantly he called me on phone. Oh sorry about that. Calmed down as soon as you left. How about relate ?

Then he was on Facebook making funny comments. Popped round to his friends house like all normal?

My parents thin I should give relate a go so now we have come back and he says we should just put all behind us and not dwell.

This is so long already and I haven't covered everything so hope it makes sense.

Do you think it's ok to let it slide? Was he just crying out of hurt. Have I gone about it all wrong? I feel like such a hateful person and just son confused.

I have nothing useful to say really but am thinking of you and hoping someone wise will be along in a minute.

That's 'acting out of hurt not crying'

I would definitely not let it slide. Irrespective of what the issues are between the two of you, that kind of behaviour in front of kids is unacceptable. Never underestimate how much they absorb and at what age they're capable of remembering stuff. I ended a very difficult marriage when my son was 3.5 (now 10) and he still remembers certain things that happened.
Sure, give Relate a try if you want to save your marriage, but I would set some ground rules about how you conduct yourselves in front of children.

Thanks rose! I'm not sure there really is much to say...it feels a bit better just to write things down sometimes though:)

YOu haven't gone about it all wrong, but don't let this very frightening incident deter you from what you wanted all along, which is to separate. It sounds like it would be for the best, and perhaps if your parents knew the things he said and did, they would also think so too.

From a place of separation, you can then think about whether you want him in your life. I suspect that once you do get on your own, you will feel a big sigh of relief that you don't have to listen to the nastiness and outbursts.

Oh my God

I'm sorry. I think this would be something I could not come back from. Hard as it is to leave this is domestic violence and you must not let it go.

Do your best to working towards leaving, or him leaving. He sounds really untroubled by what he did. Your poor babies and poor you.

Oh Op! How awful. I suppose he did at least recognise he was loosing control albeit a bit late.
Personally i couldnt let it slide and would insist on relate at the very least, he is obviously resentful you dont work (sahm is work but you know what I mean) My exh was like that and it was always a bone of contention.
You say there have been many issues you have worked through - well done - you need help to work through though it cant be just brushed under the carpet.

If you still really want to seperate relate sessions will help you both come to terms and deal with it better so imho thats the way I would go

He sounds awful. Relate relies upon there being two people in the relationship willing to make an effort to change. 'Put it all behind us' usually means 'I'm not planning to change so let's ignore my problem'. 'Not dwell' means 'don't look too closely at my behaviour'... because he knows he's in the wrong. People like that are wasting their time in counselling. You could go along yourself, of course. Help you think more clearly about what to do next. If you're in the habit of letting it slide or making excuses for him he'll interpret that as weakness and think he can get away with the same and worse in the future. (That story this week of the poor woman that had her eyes gouged out is still fresh in my mind... bet he started by throwing plates and swearing.)

In your shoes I'd get some information and money around you. Information from solicitors, CAB and similar about what the procedure would be and what his responsibilities are in the event of a split. Information from your local Housing Association if you think accommodation is an issue. Money in the form of personal savings (tax credits? CB?) and having a look at sites like the Turn2Us Benefits Checker which can tell you what state help is available.

Good luck

Thanks to everyone for replying. I agree about ground rules in front of the children. I think what's upsetting me the most is how quickly it seemed ok for him. I really find it odd he wasn't horribly upset with himself after behaving that way. I think he should be. But is that horribly argumentative when we are trying to make things better between us for the children's sake. I feel guilty and like I am letting my eldest down by bringing him back and somehow condoning Dhs behaviour and saying it is on some level ok. But then I do wind hIm up and and maybe he wouldn't have behaved that way if it wasn't for the way I bahave.

He has called relate and we should be seeing someone in a couple o weeks in the meantime we are just trying to get along. I am willing to try Nd resolve things. at the beginning We had such a great relationship at first (3 years ago) and the current situation is so upsetting for everyone. I have no money of my own and no job (although I genuinely am trying) so can't afford ( and neither can my husband) a place to stay other than here. My parents have offered to buy a house if things don't work for me and dcs to live in which is so unbelievably kind but I feel it would be wrong fore to let them make such a gesture.

I am also worried dh will use the things I say in relate sessions as ammo. I think it may be helpful if we were to separate or stay together to be able to talk better. What a mess. Will relate help us work out of t can work?

"maybe he wouldn't have behaved that way if it wasn't for the way I bahave."

You may be surprised to hear that many victims of domestic violence express exactly the same thought. He is entitled to be annoyed or even angry, same as anyone. But what you describe was unacceptable and extreme. His behaviour is always his responsibility and if you find yourself making excuses for him or wondering if it was your fault.... then that is simply because he has already conditioned you that it is OK for him to be that way.

And therefore, because he seems to be already very good at the 'good cop, bad cop' routine... putting you on the back foot... acting like nothing bad has happened.... making you feel like you're at fault for not being more - what - obedient? tolerant? a doormat?.... then joint counselling sessions are potentially an arena where he can manipulate things to his advantage.

Separation will help you. Three years is a very short time for things to have deteriorated so much. When you have time away from this man you'll understand that what he's doing is far from normal.