Problems with my boyfriends mother

[hugsandbutterflies]

Me and dp have been together for four years and his mum has never liked me. She just never made an effort to get to know me. I've been finding it very difficult to get over. She makes everything into a drama and about herself. I'll start from the begining .
Me and dp met when we were 18, we hit it off and started going out after working together for two months. He lived quite far from me so he spent alot of time at my dads, we couldnt go to his because his mum didnt want us to be alone together incase we got up to anything. I found this quite weird but never said anything as i know my parents gave me a lot more freedom than most.
I moved into my own flat 6 months later and dp moved in with me. We went over to his parents every second or third sunday for lunch. It was awful. They didnt really speak to me, just basic like weather or work. His mum would argue with him over anything and everything. He doesnt like his mum (i think he hates her tbh) but wants to see his dad and brother so puts up with her.
I got pregnant after we had been together almost a year, she seemed ok with it but soon started saying stuff about me behind my back, dp never really told me what was said but i cant imagine it was nice. dp had some money in a savings account that he needed her to access so we could buy stuff for the baby. This time i heard her on the phone telling him its not for the baby its for him to spend on himself. he got angry and they fell out because he wanted to buy stuff for the baby as i had bought lots and my family had got alot of stuff too. They made up and she made him buy a huge tv with the money.
Shortly after that my mum managed to get dp an interview for a really good job that he was very excited about, he told his mum and she said, "i dont think you are smart enough for that, you should stay in your min wage job". dp was upset as he just wanted them to be proud of him and happy for us. he took the job and has got on really well.
Shes done lots of horrible things to dp, like leaving him stranded with no phone or money because he wouldnt do what she wants. She puts him down all the time, says his stupid and nasty to her. She turns everything into a drama. Shes always asking why we dont come over, why i dont like her.
Fast forward and i gave birth to our second child two weeks before xmas. We had left everything last minute as we were a bit strapped for cash after getting a big bill. We went present shopping the week before xmas and i picked stuff for my family and dp picked for his, it was very stressful as i was still very sore after the birth, looking after a newborn and toddler and we dont drive. Dp went round with the kids on boxing day to give presents and when she opened hers she threw a fit. It wasnt the slippers she wanted, not good enough and all my fault. She cryed and screamed and stormed round the house saying awful things about me infront of the kids. when dp got back we descided we want nothing to do with her and informed his dad that she was not to call or come to the house. Shes very angry about this, doesnt know what shes done and his dad keeps asking us to talk to her as she crys all the time and is very upset about the whole thing. They still see the kids every week and i have never been rude or nasty to them but our lives are better now we dont have to deal with her.
They are coming over tomorrow as they want to sort things, but i tried to be her friend for over 3 years and im done. I dont know what they are going to say or what i should say as i really dont want a fight. I just feel ambushed and i dont want to try anymore.
All i can think about is them coming over tomorrow and im dreading it.

Made everything worse? What, be refusing to be bullied and abused?

There is no need for this to be discussed any further, and I think you should say that to your DP. Remind him that:

• his parents were asked not to come round. Instead they did and his dad barged into your home to abuse you. That made things worse, and it was something HE did.

• that you are DONE, DONE with this and he knows why, and has said so, and has been treated badly himself too. You have NO NEED to discuss/jusitfy anything. Your PIL have acted despicably for YEARS, and you are DONE.

• you could have easily decided at any point that actually, it might be better for your children NOT to be exposed to a pair of bullying nasties. But you haven't. You still could change your mind on that and one thing guaranteed to make you think about it would be realising that they had in fact passed on some of their nasty attitude to their son.

Don't even think of stooping to spend time justifying, arguing, explaining. If your DP is going to be silly and overwrought about this to the extent of blaming you AT ALL for this afternoon's antics, give him an icy stare and walk away. He knows as well as you who is to blame for all this, so it's probably shock talking. But if not, he needs telling that if he wants to jump ship, he'll soon find himself sailing in a different direction to his partner and children.

I just feel like crap. I don't like being spoken to like that, I couldn't get my point across because he just shot down everything I said. Hes made things a million times worse and I never want to see them again. I don't know how he thought being aggressive and offensive was going to make things better. I really have no clue what to do now. I don't want to stop the kids seeing them because my mum used to use us as weapons when she fell out with people and I have no relationship with my grandparents now. Everything is such a mess because of all of them but I can assure you I'm the only one feeling like shit.

STOP YOUR DC FROM SEEING THEM TOO!

If these people are not good enough for YOU to see, why would you send your innocent little lambs to the slaughter like that.

Your mum may have been wrong to use you as weapons against her parents, but YOU are not wrong, these people are VILE, and dangerous to your children to know tbh.

You don't want to stop your children seeing people who think it is acceptable to bully, shout, scream, force their way into your home, demand that you obey them?

Really?

Because that is exactly the sort of person I would move heaven and earth to keep my children away from.

I am sorry, but I do not understand the reasoning behind well they treat me like shit, but I want to make sure the children still have a relationship with them.

[boggle]

WHY? So they can turn on them in the end too? (As such people ALWAYS. ALWAYS will) so they can drop in snide comments to them about you? So the kids can be piggy in the middle?

Oh, been there done that. I've been the child, sitting baffled in the living room while granny sulks outside at the bottom of the garden. I've been the child who knew granny hated mummy. I've been the child who wondered why they had to go to people who were mean.

I promise you, it's not the right great good and generous act you're fooling yourself it is.

I want to stop them seeing the kids and I will, your right they will just bad mouth us to them and treat them badly when they grow up and have their own opinions. I've already heard her refer to herself as mum to them and fil as dad, so I need to remember its not like dealing with good normal people. There's no reasoning with these people as they only hear what they want to and it doesn't even matter what the truth is (as I learned today) because they will just say its a lie. I've never met anyone like them.

For Gods sake they have no right to see their grandchildren until they can behave in a decent way

Your DP is not speaking to you?

Who is his family: you and DC, or his abusive toxic parents who shout at and insult his wife and frighten her under her own roof?

The fact that he has unresolved issues with his parents (still trying to please unpleasable people...) does not mean that you should have to endure any more contact with people who treat you like that.

You both need to cut them off. Their behaviour is appalling and inexcusable.

I've never met anyone like them.

I would just be straight and tell them this. Refuse to get into any more arguments with them or DH-just tell them that you don't conduct your life like that and you have had enough. If they are prepared to treat you in a polite, adult manner then you will be happy to see them-but not until then.

I did tell him I've never known anyone the behave this way and he just kept going on. I'm actually glad this has happened as I thought he was a good man but he has shown his true colours. I can't believe a 50 year old man found it acceptable to be so aggressive and front of children. I'm not changing my mind about this now, I'm cutting them out. I will never make dp pick between us, he can make up with them if he wants but we will be having nothing to do with them, that's non negotiable.

I was not totally surprised to read the outcome; knew they were going to be aggressive.

You have not come across people like this before becuase your own birth family unit are normal emotionally healthy adults. Your man's parents are dysfunctional.

What HotDamn wrote earlier.

These people actively chose to act as they did; you did not make them this way. It is not you, its them.

They will not also bring anything at all positive into your childrens lives; your job as parents is to protect them from harmful grandparents. Concentrate primarily on your own family unit and give your children positive role models.

I wish we spent more time with my own family but they are busy. My mum runs her own business as works 70+ hours a week and my dad has a new girlfriend so spends a lot of time with her, and he totally deserves to be happy so I'm just leaving him to it at the moment. I spoke to my mum, and she's really upset she wasn't here to defend me, I think she just hates the situation I'm in but she's going to try see us more so that's good. I just wish I could forget about the way his dad spoke to me.

Has your DP apologised to you yet? I hope he realises how awful his parents are before it's too late. You, and he, have to protect your children from this horrible bullies. You are adults, whether they like it or not.

hugs, could you move?, to be closer to your parents and further away don't even tell them you are moving from the bonkers inlaws?

take time to decompress over this, support one another. you are in shock, your DP is in shock and more will come out as he realises he only has one option and that is to end his contact with them.

Have you read the books Toxic Inlaws/Parents? It may help.

My mum actually suggested we put the flat up for an exchange although that seemed a bit over the top. I will look into it though as they are probably going to get worse when they realise they have been cut out.

Lock your doors, close your blinds and dont answer the door when they turn up and divert their calls that is what i did for 3 weeks-hopefully they should get the message loud and clear!
Be prepared for them guiltripping your dp if HE stays in contact as this will be their only way of getting at you.
Ignore, ignore, ignore but dont move just because of them why should you its your home?
Your mil will probably put on the water works for everyone and make you out to be the bad guys but let her as if you contact it wont matter anymore.
Im one step away from doing this to if my ILs are to carry on with their insane behaviour, its going to be hard and i will probably get stick of my H but so be it as they are all vile loons just like your iLs.
Defo going to read them books Mnettrs are talking about

I meant to say cut contact

Has your DP apologised to you yet?

Dp has apologised to me now, he just got a bit stressed and he hates how they don't listen to him. He's being lovely now, feels guilty for taking it out on me. We'll be fine, I think things will be better now as they cause about 90% of our arguments.

glad to hear he has apologized and admitted he was taking his frustrations out on you. good self-awareness there!

Glad your dp has apologised , this is a postitive step in him realising how awful they are

So glad he apologised. You have to feel a bit sorry for your DP having such awful people as parents.
Remember you your DH and DC's are a family and do not need their approval or consent for anything.

Cut contact, they were given (or took) another chance to sort things out and they blew it big tome.

No more. You don't need or want them in your life.

Glad he apologised. I would get him to read this thread.